Posts tagged ‘Nick Clegg’

June 1, 2015

Nick Clegg ‘over the moon’ Russia has heard of him

by philapilus

We didn’t have a picture of him in the photo library, and no one can remember what he looks like

Nick Clegg is said to be ‘incredibly excited’ and ‘over the moon’ after Russia announced he was banned from entering the country – thus proving that they actually knew who he was.

The former deputy prime minister has spent the weeks since the election sitting mournfully on a park bench in Victoria Tower Gardens, crying into his fists.

But sources close to Nick said his misery turned to jubilation when he

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May 8, 2015

Ousted Clegg, Balls and Miliband announce musical career

by philapilus

‘I’ll be the handsome moody one’

The ousted leader of the opposition, deputy prime minister and shadow chancellor have revealed plans for future careers in the music industry.

Ed Balls, Nick Clegg and Ed Miliband announced the launch of their new band ‘All Directions’ this afternoon from a pub on the Old Kent Road.

A visibly inebriated Ed Balls said “I come…I came in ‘ere, and there’s this fella! Nick Whassisname, and he was crooning and crying into a pint of bittetter, and I thought…thass lovely! Thass bloody…hic…lovely!”

Balls revealed that he began an impromptu duet with the weeping Clegg, which the

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April 17, 2015

Miliband disappointed after lesbian threesome fails to happen

by philapilus
Group hug

“Can I join in?”

Ed Miliband said he was devastated this morning, after the televised group hug between Nicola Sturgeon, Nathalie Bennett, and the Welsh one, failed to turn into something more erotic.

The all-female cuddle, which took place at the end of the broadcast election debate, was, said Miliband “One of the most exciting moments of my life since becoming an MP, and also one of the most disappointing.”

The Labour leader confessed “I really hoped there might be some kissing, and then maybe one of them would get out the body lotion, and

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March 5, 2015

Miliband going round saying he ‘could totally have’ Cameron

by philapilus

“I could basically be in UFC”

Ed Miliband has been walking round like a puffed-up pigeon and asking girls if they want to feel his biceps, after David Cameron today ruled out taking him on in a one-on-one.

The Labour leader said “Dave is well-scared. I was all like ‘Come on then; let’s have it!’, and he was all like ‘Um…oh…I’m not free that day, um…I’ve got a note from my mum… please don’t hurt me!’

“It’s cos he knows how well hard I am. Do you want to

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February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

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October 6, 2014

Lib Dems hold farewell conference

by philapilus

“I’m going to tell everyone I’ve done five years of bird, for attacking children in a playground. Which would actually have been preferable.”

The Liberal Democrats are holding the final conference of the season – and the last ever conference for their party.

MPs, delegates, and activists are gathered in Glasgow for one last work mini-break, which will feature valedictory speeches, a bittersweet farewell drinks party, and advice on jobseeking.

Going into the 2015 general election under the slogan ‘Bye Everyone; We’re Sorry’, the Lib Dems agreed a motion on

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September 11, 2014

Prime Minister arrives in Scotland with puppy and some kittens

by philapilus

The Scottish families visited by the politicians and their animal chums said “Wuv nae had such gud meeet since the Graet Glasgie rat plague o’ 2012.”

David Cameron, Ed Miliband, and poor little Nick Clegg, arrived in Scotland yesterday with a selection of small, cute animals, with which they hope to emotionally sway the country into staying within the UK.

The last ditch attempt by the two main party leaders and Cameron’s footstool, saw the three men travelling from town to town, holding up their little furry friends, and pleading with the Scots to “Have a heart.” Cameron, holding two

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August 5, 2014

Miliband, Clegg deface War memorial, urinate on Unknown Soldier’s grave

by philapilus

Ed took a dump right on top of it

Middle England was in uproar yesterday, after Ed Miliband and Nick Clegg attempted to ruin the centenary commemoration of the First World War.

After laying wreaths reading ‘Fuck Hisstry’ and ‘Them soljers was well gay’, the Leader of the Opposition and the Deputy Prime Minister tried to sabotage the service in Westminster abbey, heckling the speakers with shouts of “Wankers!” and “Bummers!”.

As angered veterans tried to eject them, the

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May 29, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Vince Cable

by philapilus

Once again Stefan Belle, resident cartoonist at the Guardian since 1792, lends us his razor-sharp pen! This time, skewered on his mighty nib are the Lib Dems, whose dilemma makes us chortle! Guffaw!! Very witty, Mr Belle, very witty!!!

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May 29, 2014

Lib Dems now unable to beat even themselves

by philapilus

Like trying to choose between diarrhoea and constipation

It was revealed yesterday that the increasing range of things the Liberal Democrats are incapable of doing has finally been extended to absolutely everything, after a coup failed to depose one of the most universally despised men in British political history.

Lord Oakeshott’s unsuccessful attempt to replace Nick Clegg with Vince Cable has been described by pundits as “the single most pathetic, all-encompassing and embarrassing fuck-up since Eric Pickles’ publically declared New Year’s resolution to lose 10 stone.”

BBC political editor, Bernard Cheese, said “Clegg looks like a total loser because his own party has joined with the rest of the population in thinking he is an incompetent idiot. However, Cable also looks like a loser because he acted all shocked, but it now transpires he

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