Posts tagged ‘NHS’

June 2, 2015

Jeremy Hunt launches attack on himself over NHS agency bills

by philapilus

“I am a total fuckwit, what am I?”

The Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt has launched a scathing attack on “the blithering idiot who in the last Parliament got rid of all those nurses and nurse training places, sending our agency staff bills shooting sky-high and making it harder for us to find staff.”

After the bill for agency staff rose from £1.8bn to £3.3bn over the last three years, Mr Hunt said that the Minister for Health who presided over such failure “must have been one of the most gigantic bell-ends the world has ever seen, and a total innumerate pillock to boot. ”

He added that “Bringing in doctors at £3,500-per-shift is a disgrace, and I can’t believe the taxpayers haven’t revolted against that useless stream of piss. Who

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July 3, 2014

Shock revelation:”NHS spends lots of money on sick people”

by philapilus

“If we get all the patients out, these mattresses will be excellent for stuffing cash in” said one MP

The Health Select Committee has made the remarkable discovery that people with long-term illnesses who require hospital treatment over extended periods of time, “tend to cost the NHS more than those who pop into casualty with a sprained wrist.”

The cross-party group has been investigating the impact of shifting patients requiring long-term care from hospitals to community services which haven’t yet been set up.

The Committee said that “70% of the NHS budget is spent on the 30% of people who keep coming back to hospital, because they haven’t got better from the thing that they aren’t going to get better from because it isn’t

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April 14, 2014

Government promises golf-playing doctors will check their email

by philapilus

The government has today announced that a hundred-squillionty-million people will have 25 hour a day access to GPs, through an initiative to pay doctors overtime for checking their Blackberries.

‘Just listen to it yourself, OK? I’m busy’

David Cameron announced that “Our new GP Access Fund, which is much less gay than any of Labour’s plans, will mean that after your local surgery has shut, you’ll be able to email your doctor.

“Then, whilst he’s teeing off for the 9th hole, he’ll helpfully respond with an email carefully addressing your symptoms point by point, or tell you to just take an aspirin and

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November 13, 2013

A&E units to tell 50% of people to ‘piss off’, in NHS revamp

by philapilus
English: NHS logo

Not Helping. Sorry.

It was announced today that radical changes in the NHS will see A&E departments divided into two tiers, one where they’ll help you – provided you are about to die – and one where they’ll tell you to ‘piss off and just run it under a cold tap, or something’.

After years of the service being routinely abused and fucked up by successive governments, NHS chiefs explained that they no longer had enough money to convince staff to care.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “From now on, A&E ‘major emergency centres’ will only accept you provided you’ve

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June 24, 2013

Satan “very excited” about meeting FGM perpetrators

by philapilus
Gustave Doré, Depiction of Satan, the antagoni...

“Jesus Christ; and people say I’M bad?!”


Lucifer, the Son of Perdition and Ruler of the Abyss, said this morning that he was thoroughly looking forward to receiving into Hell the people who subjected a 7 year old girl to female genital mutilation (FGM).

After reading that in the last 2 years alone the NHS has treated 1700 women who have suffered the ritual cutting, His Dark Satanic Majesty Beelzebub announced “I am going to have a whale of a time entertaining myself with these fuckers for the rest of eternity.

“Seriously, I mean I have some really horrible stuff going on down here 24/7, but I am going to find something new for

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