Posts tagged ‘Newsnight’

April 22, 2013

“Move to UK? Um…thanks, but no thanks” say migrants

by philapilus


Hours of Delay

Actually there are huge queues of foreign nationals massing in British airports. But only because they’re trying to get out of the bloody country before it becomes even more of a shithole

Patriotic sentiment up and down the country has been wounded and incensed this morning, by news that the mass wave of immigrants expected to come and take everyone’s jobs now seems unlikely to materialise.

BBC Newsnight polls showed that, contrary to the warnings printed in big capital letters in every issue of the Daily Mail for the last few years, hordes of Romanians and Bulgarians “Are not about to descend on the country like a swarm of locusts.”

The polls suggest that people in Romania and Bulgaria would rather go to Italy, Germany, or even North Korea and Papua New Guinea, rather than work in the UK.

Newsnight researchers say

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April 2, 2013

Tony Hall steps down as BBC director general

by philapilus
BBC TV Centre

Does anyone remember this place?

The new director general of the BBC has announced he will be leaving his new post shortly after it begins this morning, over “Yet more Savile-sex-scandal fallout”.

Hall said that it was his long-held ambition to helm the BBC ship “For about twenty minutes or so, perhaps a bit less” in accordance with the pattern for increasingly brief periods in office laid down by last year’s run of director generals.

“What the BBC sorely needs is

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November 19, 2012

John Lewis ad proves UK is ready for apocalypse

by philapilus
English: Snowman

It doesn’t need your money, you stupid bastards; it just wants to live in your freezer

The nation’s tearful response to the John Lewis Christmas advert has proved conclusively that levels of emotional intelligence in Britain have plummeted below the ‘safe’ mark, and the only way forward is to destroy the country, according to a new study.

The Slough Recycling Centre’s Institute for Apocalypse Predictions, today presented its findings in a 300 page report, heavily recommending the unleashing of biologically engineered plague to wipe the slate clean.

Author of the Report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “This advert is essentially a very short programme in which one inanimate pile of frozen water is depicted in a series of tableaux, supposedly going to a shop to buy unnecessary garments for another inanimate pile of

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October 2, 2012

“Jimmy who?” asks BBC

by philapilus
Jimmy Savile

Dangerously wielding his pole well into old age

The BBC has today claimed it has no idea who this ‘Jimmy Savile’ person was, according to spokesperson, Adrian Spoke. 

Savile, who prided himself on being thought of as “Kind of like a Scooby-Doo villain, but with a more hands-on, touchy-feely-kiddy-fiddly side”, is alleged to have molested teenagers during a period in the 1970s when he was inexplicably famous and successful.

Reporters in the BBC had made a short film for Newsnight, documenting claims of sexual abuse made against Savile, which was unexpectedly squashed by the programme’s editor Peter Rippon.

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