Posts tagged ‘New York Times’

September 12, 2013

Putin steps down as president of Russia

by philapilus
putin on horse no shirt

“I’m very much like Ernest Hemingway, except more masculine”

Vladimir Putin has today announced his resignation as Russian president, citing his increasing boredom with the job, and “desire to follow my long-held ambition to be a journalist for the New York Times.”

In an open letter – his first piece for the paper – Mr Putin said “This Syrian thing is about as sinfully dull as waiting for Litvinenko to finally expire, except it isn’t even going to end as happily.

“Anyway, I have always loved words. I like to think of myself as possessing a powerful journalistic voice for freedom, like George Orwell or Hunter S Thompson, only not a tool of fascist Western decadence, obviously. Penning articles on riding shirtless across the great Russian plains

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May 14, 2013

Men in moral/horny quandary over Jolie’s mastectomy

by philapilus
Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Alexander in...

“What are we meant to fantasise about now?!” said men everywhere “Do we just focus on her big, pouting, luscious lips and… actually, don’t worry, that’ll do fine.”

The news that Hollywood star Angelina Jolie has had a double mastectomy to reduce her very high risk of breast cancer, has caused men across Britain to feel very confused.

John Thomas, a self-described ‘Jolie-fanatic and then some’, said “I got up, switched on the news, and there was Angelina talking about boobs. Naturally, I grabbed the box of tissues and Assumed The Position on the couch.

“But then it turns out she was talking about the likelihood of getting breast cancer, and it

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December 21, 2012

BBC Chiefs knew about Savile’s Portal to evil dimension

by philapilus
Gordon Brown and Sir Jimmy Savile

Later on, of course, this photo showing him publically associating with the most reviled man in the country was to cause him acute embarrassment – but then he was a paedophile, so who cares how he felt?

It has been revealed that top BBC executives had known for some years about Jimmy Savile’s secret doorway to the Realm of Mephistopheles, one of the five known dimensions of hell.

Former Director-General, George Entwhistle, admitted yesterday that Savile had a small hole in one of his elbows, through which he could communicate with the demon lord, K’rrgkwkwizzlfg.

Operation Yewtree officers announced this morning “A key witness has confirmed that within the higher echelons of the BBC, Savile’s calling forth of unholy demons was considered ‘an embarrassing pecadillo which we were advised to ignore, and to cover up wherever possible’.”

It is now understood that

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