Posts tagged ‘Nelson Mandela’

December 12, 2013

Mandela memorial event signer had acid flashback

by philapilus
English: Nelson Mandela Statue Nelson Mandela ...

“In my mind’s eye Madiba turned into this enormous beast and started attacking the symbols of Western Imperialism. That’s when I knew it had ‘gone bad’.”

The interpreter responsible for translating speeches into sign language during the memorial service for Nelson Mandela has blamed his completely nonsensical interpretation on “a crazy acid flashback”.

In an interview posted on the Grateful Dead’s website, www.dead.net, Mr Dyantyi said “It was, like, craaaaazy daddio! Lights and stars and rainbows everywhere, bursting into fireworks of spiritual evanescence. And beautiful pink badgers started appearing all over the stadium.

“Then, quite suddenly, a cohort of zebras marched past, telling me to wave my hands to the groovy

read more »

Advertisements
December 12, 2013

Breaking News: Mandela “still dead”

by philapilus
English: Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg, Gaute...

Pretty much still like this, only more horizontal, and less smiley

Last updated 43 seconds ago

The world’s media have again confirmed that Nelson Mandela is still dead, and shows little to no sign of improvement.

After the news broke three minutes ago that Mandela remained a corpse, mourners continued to file past the open casket in their thousands, to pay their final respects, say goodbye to a beloved leader, and continuously check his pulse.

Mandela – or ‘Madiba’ as everyone is now pretending they knew he was also called – is linked to

read more »

December 10, 2013

Obama: “Mandela was a twat”

by articulatedsheep

US President Barack Obama has used his address to the memorial service for Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg to launch a blistering attack on the former South African President.

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he'd have wanted to be sent off

A turgid, four-hour memorial rally in a football stadium attended by dozens of corrupt world leaders is exactly how he’d have wanted to be sent off

Appearing in front of a capacity crowd at the FNB Stadium, Obama started his address by saying, “I expect you want me to stand in front of you and say a load of fawning guff about Madiba, about how I was humbled in his presence, all that crap.”

“Well, no. He was a dick and I don’t mind saying so.”

Obama spent more than three hours listing Mandela’s defects, including a long, rambling anecdote relating an incident when the two men were sitting next to each other at an official dinner and Mandela stole Obama’s bread roll.

“Then, cool as you like,” Obama concluded, his voice rising to an incredulous yell, “he turns to me and says, ‘Oh look! They’ve given me two rolls, I’ve got one this side of me as well!’ And, get this, he casually picks it up and pops it into his mouth. Grade A wanker.”

read more »

December 10, 2013

MPs ‘brilliant again’ says everyone

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

‘This is my caring face’

After several years of residing in the metaphorical doghouse (largely for buying solid gold actual doghouses), MPs were today welcomed back into the bosom of the British public.

Yesterday’s confirmation of the 11%  payrise MPs are receiving as part of the government’s austerity measures, coincided with an afternoon’s Parliament of talking at length about how great Nelson Mandela was – reminding voters of the bloody good job their

read more »

December 6, 2013

Obituary: Nelson Mandela, by George Galloway

by philapilus
George Galloway

‘It’s not all about me, you know’

English: Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg, Gaute...

RIP

Like everyone else I was shocked and saddened this morning to learn of the death of Nelson Mandela, a man whom I can honestly say I admired almost as much as he admired me.

The passing of a titan from the world’s stage leaves us all the poorer, especially those of us titans remaining, and I want to take a moment to reflect on Mandela’s amazing life and incredible achievements.

“A man whose entire being was devoted to struggling for fairness and equality, a man who suffered for others, and bore his suffering in silence, a man who has fought and lived – whilst being willing to die – for an ideal” was how Nelson described me, in what

read more »

January 7, 2013

Public sadness as Stephen Lennon is jailed

by philapilus
English Defence League march in Newcastle

If only they would…

Tributes and commiserations have poured in from well-wishers and public dignitaries today, after it was announced that the leader of the far-right English Defence League has been jailed for ten months.

Stephen Lennon, whose only crime was to attempt illegally to enter the United States, using a false passport – after being previously banned from visiting because of several other convictions including assault and drugs offences – has received countless messages of support.

“This is obviously just a political imprisonment,” said Nelson Mandela, “Stephen Lennon has always stood up for the rights of others, has always been uncompromising in his search for peace and equality. You couldn’t wish to meet a better person, with

read more »

February 29, 2012

More experts enter Falklands fray

by philapilus

Following the intervention of actor-turned International Relations expert Sean Penn, celebrity and self-styled ‘Better-than-Beethoven’ musician, Roger Waters, has also weighed in with his fantastically well-informed views on the Falklands debate.

The ex-bassist for Pink Floyd, a band famously typified by drug-use, insanity and self-absorption, Roger Waters is clearly extremely well-qualified to comment on issues of sovereignty and post-colonial relations and peace-keeping.

Not only did he write ‘The Wall’ (you know, Floyd’s fourteen hour long whinge, the lyrics of which make ‘Ummagumma’ sound like fucking Shakespeare), but reportedly  he also nearly managed to destroy the band with his acrimonious and egomaniacal power-mongering.

read more »