Posts tagged ‘national health service’

November 13, 2013

A&E units to tell 50% of people to ‘piss off’, in NHS revamp

by philapilus
English: NHS logo

Not Helping. Sorry.

It was announced today that radical changes in the NHS will see A&E departments divided into two tiers, one where they’ll help you – provided you are about to die – and one where they’ll tell you to ‘piss off and just run it under a cold tap, or something’.

After years of the service being routinely abused and fucked up by successive governments, NHS chiefs explained that they no longer had enough money to convince staff to care.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “From now on, A&E ‘major emergency centres’ will only accept you provided you’ve

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June 24, 2013

Satan “very excited” about meeting FGM perpetrators

by philapilus
Gustave Doré, Depiction of Satan, the antagoni...

“Jesus Christ; and people say I’M bad?!”


Lucifer, the Son of Perdition and Ruler of the Abyss, said this morning that he was thoroughly looking forward to receiving into Hell the people who subjected a 7 year old girl to female genital mutilation (FGM).

After reading that in the last 2 years alone the NHS has treated 1700 women who have suffered the ritual cutting, His Dark Satanic Majesty Beelzebub announced “I am going to have a whale of a time entertaining myself with these fuckers for the rest of eternity.

“Seriously, I mean I have some really horrible stuff going on down here 24/7, but I am going to find something new for

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March 20, 2012

Old people “smell of pee and talk too much” says Royal College of Nursing

by philapilus
The American student nurse Miss Lydia Monroe o...

"Some of our nurses aren't even white! If you'll take my advice hide your valuables in your nappy..." said elderly patient, Mr M Campbell

Research carried out by the Royal College of Nursing indicates that care for the elderly is constantly stymied by the fact that they “Poop, piss and prattle on with mind-numbing frequency.” 

If the findings of this research are a fair representation of the industry as a whole, about 107% of the union’s 400,000 nurses really can’t be arsed to deal with the constant streams of words and cabbage-based sewage.

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March 10, 2012

Cameron: “national inferno is right for Britain”

by articulatedsheep

The Prime Minister has today rounded on critics of his controversial plan to set fire to the entire country.

“Let me be frank,” he said, speaking to reporters on a special visit to Cardiff to urinate on a statue of Nye Bevin. “setting the country alight is the right thing to do. There is significant public support for this action, and I plan to see it through.”

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