Posts tagged ‘nadine dorries’

January 10, 2014

MP warns of influx of time-travelling immigrants

by unpseudable

Every Slav could have had one of these by 1988. We can’t know for sure.

Conservative Member of Parliament, and ‘I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here’ star, Nadine Dorries, used her appearance on Question Time this week to alert the public to the danger of mass immigration from the Eastern Europe of the mid-1990s. Or potentially chronologically even earlier.

Dorries’ stark warning came in response to an audience member asking if racist rhetoric might subside as the feared large-scale influx of immigrants from Romania and Bulgaria has failed to materialise. “There has been no tidal wave but there might be tomorrow, there might be next year – we don’t know – and that is the problem.” She asserted, continuing, “We could have a tidal wave from Yugoslavia.”

When it was pointed out to her that Yugoslavia broke up during the Yugoslav wars of the early 90s, Dorries continued, “Err, well, yes, of course.

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May 9, 2013

Tories to ‘Out-bonkers’ Ukip by bringing back Dorries

by philapilus

Nadine says the colourful voices that live in her teeth told her to rejoin

After losing ground to Ukip in last week’s county council elections, the conservative party has reinstated Nadine Dorries, in an attempt to reclaim the status of ‘party with the highest appeal to lunatics’.

Dorries was suspended from the Tory benches for taking a holiday whilst parliament was sitting, in order to appear on a reality TV show.

But as the conservatives realised they were being out-manoeuvered by the preternaturally unhinged Nigel Farage, chief whip Sir George Young said they had “No alternative but to roll out the biggest nutters we possibly can. And they don’t come more batshit-crazy than Nadine.”

Dorries has

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February 8, 2013

All Tory-Lib Dem communication now to take place via radio phone-ins

by philapilus
CFBX radio broadcasts something for everyone

“You want Pickles to do WHAT??? You can’t say that on radio!!!”

The conservatives and liberal democrats are hoping to quell divisions in the coalition by restricting all interaction to conversations broadcast on radio chat-shows.

After Boris Johnson’s pointed dig at Nick Clegg on the deputy prime minister’s question time on LBC radio, senior members of both parties agreed that this was the ideal format with which to engage one another.

A senior aide to David Cameron said

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January 21, 2013

CBeebies’ satire once again deemed too controversial

by philapilus
Camp Bestival 2009

Obviously completely inappropriate for kids

The CBeebies channel, home of vitriolic lampoonery, has again got into hot water over its In Yer Face content. The station broadcast a programme yesterday morning which ventured where no other satirical vehicle has yet dared to go.

In a specially commissioned episode of controversial show, the Tweenies, the character Max dressed up as Jimmy Savile, complete with godawful hairstyle, shell-suit and phallic, oversized cigar. He proceeded to feel up Milo and Fizz, then trapped Bella in a cupboard and made her fellate him, whilst he throttled Jake.

Max then assaulted the dogs Doodles and Izzles, before turning to the screen and rubbing his

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November 22, 2012

Day of National Mourning declared, as Dorries returns to UK

by philapilus
English: Wacky witch flying her broom.

Nadine will be flying back from Australia

Nadine Dorries is the first contestant to have been voted off the godawful jungle-based reality TV show, ‘I’m a Celebrity… Get Me out of Here’, resulting in reports of mass grief across the nation.

The coalition government has announced that a day of mourning will take place, with a dedicated hour of silence, before ‘Mad Bad Sad Nad’ returns and starts sqwawking again.

The controversial Tory MP said she wanted to go on the show to raise people’s awareness about important issues, claiming that politicians needed to be in the public eye, and since the public eye was on Z-list celebrity programmes, that was where she needed to be.

“It was not,” said a

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April 27, 2012

“Please please me like you used to” say Egyptian female corpses

by philapilus
Mummy of Queen Ahmose Inhapy

Phwooaarrrrr! Be honest; who wouldn't hit that?!

Egypt may be on the cusp of passing a revolutionary piece of legislation, dealing with a thorny area of morality no government has yet dared contemplate.

As the twentieth and twenty-first centuries have brought the world ever closer to full-scale zombie apocalypse, all kinds of new codes of ethics have had to be considered: when is it ok to shoot a toddler in the face? How many times do you have to repeat your father’s name with tears in your eyes before you decapitate him with your ornamental coal-shovel? When you flee the city, is it ever ok to leave behind your annoying son, the one you pretend to love as much as your daughter, (but who really just pisses you off, and drove you to have a vasectomy)?

But so far only Egypt has tried to develop a humane, enlightened policy to consider how Z-day will affect the issue of that strongest demonstration of love and affection; sex.

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April 1, 2012

Ed Miliband revealed as April Fool

by articulatedsheep

The Labour Party has revealed that Ed Miliband’s leadership has been a gigantic, highly complex April Fool joke.

Revealing the amusing subterfuge, a bashful Miliband appeared at a press conference flanked by his brother, who actually won the leadership contest in 2010 but who agreed to stand aside for a couple of years “for a bit of a laugh”.

“It’s been a riot,” said a relieved-looking Ed, “but I think the joke’s gone far enough now. April Fool!”

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