Posts tagged ‘Miliband’

October 29, 2013

“Exploitation by the Big 60, not the Big 6” promises Cameron

by philapilus
English: Ed Miliband, British politician and S...

Ed has said he will ‘Strangle the corporations with the big red hand of socialism’

With less than eighteen months to go until the next election, David Cameron yesterday took the fight to Ed Miliband on energy policy, as he unveiled his answer to Labour’s promised price freeze; “increase the number of total-bastard suppliers”.

‘Bunch of arseholes’

A government energy expert said that Cameron was “Drawing a new political line in the sand. A really good line, straight and true, on a nice big fresh bit of unmarked sand.

“Just down there, near where the tide’s coming in, see?”

After the six main suppliers of

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September 24, 2013

Miliband unveils ambitious plan for massive energy price hike in 2017

by philapilus
Ed Milliband MP speaking at the Labour Party c...

“If I go to my Special Imagination Place I can see it all now; people thronging the streets, cheering, and shouting my name. Wouldn’t it be wonderful?”

Ed Miliband today wowed the audience at the Labour conference in Brighton, when he outlined a policy that he would implement, were he living in an alternate reality where he stood even a remote chance of winning the 2015 election.

Miliband said that under a new Labour government, “Energy firms would be told not to increase prices for two whole years, which they would obviously pay for by cutting jobs and reducing investment in infrastructure.

“Then, in 2017 when the price freeze ends, they can go absolutely mental and charge a stupendous amount, which consumers will have to pay to avoid blackouts and freezing to death come wintertime.”

The Labour leader kept his audience enthused and appreciative for an hour, describing several other plans for his magical dream universe, ranging from the totally impossible to the wholly

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February 27, 2013

Simon Piggout: Views on PMQs

by philapilus

 

Crop of Image:Hoggart LD Conf Brighton 06 2.jpg

We have no idea who this guy is though

We are proud to welcome parliamentary commentator and sketchwriter, Simon Piggout, to our mighty organ. Simon has graciously allowed us access to his notes before he writes them up into a sketch for the Grauniad.

1200: Ed Miliband has asked

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October 1, 2012

Tory poll shows country is crying out for Miliband family brawl

by philapilus
English: Foreign Secretaries David Miliband wi...

“You want justice, you want me to do murder for money, but you don’t call me Godfather, you don’t come to me with love and respect. But if you respect me, David, then your enemy Ed – he will become my enemy also. And he will fear you, David…”

Accoring to a recent survey commissioned by the Tory party, what the people of Britain really want is some sort of gladiatorial combat between the Miliband brothers.

The poll, which was obviously completely representative, unbiased, and as accurate a gauge of British opinion as can be taken without literally sticking a finger up England’s jacksie, indicates that 89.7% of people want to establish an everlasting Tory Imperium.

The vast majority of people also want David Miliband to fight Ed to the death, in a cagefight reminiscent of the Tom Hardy/Joel Edgerton film, ‘The Warrior’.

Two-thirds of those surveyed said they would settle for a televised argument over Christmas dinner, followed by the two brothers trying to strangle one another on the carpet whilst their parents move to the drawing room and turn up Bing Crosby.

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June 11, 2012

Romney raises slightly more money than Obama in one month

by unpseudable

To be fair, the rent for this place is pretty high

Last month Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, proved himself empirically better than President Obama by taking more in campaign funding. In May Romney took in an overwhelming $76.8 million, compared to the incumbent’s paltry $60 million.

“Well, this just proves it doesn’t it?” Said Romney’s PR guru, Gary Uru. “Romney’s better than Obama. $16.8 million better. Oh yes. Suck on that Democrats!”

However, Obama’s team were quick to issue a statement. “Well, that’s great for them, isn’t it? Well done. However, it would be remiss of us not to point out that Obama still exceeds Romney in total campaign funding by, oooh, I don’t know how much. About 70 million, say. Oh, and you know what? We’ve got George Clooney onside – that’s right, George Clooney! Have you seen Ocean’s Eleven? How cool is he?”

Romney’s team were quick to respond, stating, “Well, that’s one way of putting it. Another way is to say, at least we don’t have someone who was in Ocean’s Twelve backing us.

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May 16, 2012

“Front Bench; Assemble!” cries Miliband

by philapilus
British politician Ed Miliband, Leader of the ...

Secret Agent and L.A.B.O.U.R Director, Ed Miliband

Ed Miliband, commander-in-chief of the left (who is nearly black and wearing an eye-patch, except that he is white and isn’t), has today unveiled a new assault team, in the battle against the galactic-hungry Tories.

As David Cameron’s Faustian pact with Thanos gives him ever more power to wreak serious spending cuts across the UK economy, Miliband has determined to gather together Earth’s Mightiest Labour Heroes, in a shadow cabinet reshuffle to end all shadow cabinet reshuffles.

Speaking from his Helicarrier Command Centre (actually his office), Miliband said to Cameron “You want to know how desperate I am? You have slashed public finance, reduced benefits, failed to extricate us from economic malaise, and are even now destroying the very fabric of the NHS with your Cosmic Cuts Cube; You Have Made Me Very Desperate.”

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