Posts tagged ‘migrants’

August 4, 2015

Calais migrants “have not yet unleashed armageddon” say experts

by philapilus

“fucking immigrants”

Analysts confirmed this morning that the South East of England has not yet descended into apocalyptic destruction and horror, despite the fact that a few thousand poor bastards are still trying to get across from Calais.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Reading Stuff, said “Even though the newspapers are saying that the Calais hopefuls have instigated the end times by climbing over a fence, we went and checked and Kent has completely failed to subside into the broiling maw of the sea, contra all expectations. In fact the

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June 30, 2015

UK sends bit of fence to France

by philapilus

“Fortunately fences are impossible to break, or indeed to scale” said Brokenshire

The UK government has announced it will send the National Barrier Asset to Calais, to help desperate authorities there cope with the scale of migrants trying to enter Britain illegally.

The National Barrier Asset was developed in the aftermath of terrorist attacks and has been described with glowing reverence by the Ministry of Defence as ‘a really quite long bit of fence’.

Immigration minister, James Brokenshire, said “A shorter bit of the long bit of fence will be sent to France and deployed at their end of the Eurotunnel, to show just

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February 20, 2013

“If I told you the truth you’d crap yourself” warns Clegg

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg, Deputy Prime Minister of ...

He’s fine, right up to the point when he opens his mouth

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg caused concern this morning, when he refused to give exact figures for how many Romanians and Bulgarians are expected to immigrate when restrictions are lifted next year.

Speaking on his LBC Radio slot, Clegg struck terror into the heart of middle England when he declined to reveal the government’s estimate, saying “Firstly it’s more of a ‘guesstimate’ anyway (which admittedly makes a mockery of the whole thing), but to be honest, I’m worried that if I told you the figure you would probably just have a massive seizure.

“I imagine that

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