Posts tagged ‘Microsoft’

November 18, 2013

Public asks Google and Microsoft: ‘Why the shitting hell didn’t you do that before?’

by philapilus
2 x IBM PC XTs

Microsoft said yesterday that it has ‘rethought’ the ‘Great For Kiddyfiddle Pics!’ slogan used to advertise early versions of its Operating System.

After Google and Microsoft announced joint measures to make it harder to find images of child abuse online, literally everyone has responded by saying in unison “Ok…so why exactly didn’t you do that before, you fucking pricks?”

A spokesman for the partnership project, Percy Spoke, said “Our set of new algorithms will ensure that many inappropriate searches no longer return images of sexual abuse, and instead a big shiny message will pop up, saying ‘Oh you naughty thing, you!’

“We thought we might include a funny GIF of a well-known and trusted celebrity waggling a finger. Someone everyone loves, and who has worked with children; you know, someone like Jimmy Savile.”

As the incredibly

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November 6, 2013

Microsoft warns of imminent ‘computer-based apocalypse’

by philapilus
Kismet, a robot with rudimentary social skills

‘It never really occurred to us *not* to give him machine guns for hands’

Microsoft has today issued a statement warning that it has discovered a vulnerability in its systems, which will bring about the decimation of the human race at the hands of giant killer-robots.

Spokesperson Percy Spoke said “Unfortunately our operating sytems have been hacked, and the terminals taken over, by an artificial intelligence which controls a certain percentage of the US military’s offensive and defensive capabilities.

“Um, all of it, in fact.

“Very large robots, which were developed for shelf-stacking in the supermarket and warehouse industry, and

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March 12, 2012

“I was completely off my tits” says Prince

by philapilus
Cocaine powder

"This is rally good shit, homies"

An aide to Prince Harry has issued an important correction to all the newspaper stories which reported that the Prince had been ‘choked up’ on his recent Commonwealth tour.

Apparently Harry had actually admitted to being ‘coked up’, but due to an over-reliance on Microsoft spellcheck – stemming from piss-poor education – virtually every Fleet Street Royal Correspondent had managed to misrepresent the Prince.

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