Posts tagged ‘Michael Gove’

June 23, 2016

EU Referendum: the final deliberation

by unpseudable
vote remain today

Fair and balanced reporting guaranteed *

As voters go to the polls, TMB asks two average members of the public on opposite sides of the debate to give their considered opinions on the definitely entirely valuable referendum on the UK’s membership of the European Union.

 

On the side of Leave is ordinary guy, Guy Ordinary:

“Look, I’m not racist or anything, but every single problem that this country is facing is entirely down to bloody immigrants.

“But that’s not why I’m voting Leave – not the only reason anyway. The main reason – the other main reason – is, right, do you have any idea what we pay to the EU every year? No, neither do I,

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June 22, 2016

Wanker of the week: Michael Gove

by philapilus
Michael_Gove_at_Policy_Exchange_delivering_his_keynote_speech_'The_Importance_of_Teaching'

the pob-headed little prick might as well grow a long moustache to twirl whilst he laughs maniacally

This week’s serial wanker is Leave campaign co-ordinator Michael Gove! Congratulations Michael!

Nominated by: the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future

Nominated for: a divisive, mean-spirited, mendacious campaign to convince the British people to commit economic and political suicide

The Ghosts say: Michael has managed to

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June 22, 2016

Farage: have I got time for one more racist poster?

by philapilus
zombies

calm and measured message

Nigel Farage has asked today whether he has enough time to unveil just one more fascist poster before tomorrow’s referendum.

Holding a press conference in his local pub, the Negro’s Head, Farage said “I’m not racist, and UKIP isn’t racist, but i do just need to unveil one more poster which might look a bit racist. It’s just that I got them all printed up as a job lot, and it would be a terrible waste of money to scrap this last one.

“I’m definitely not a racist. How

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July 12, 2015

Gove overturns draconian legislation of previous government (whoever they were)

by philapilus

Don’t take the piss though

Michael Gove has cemented his reputation as a trailblazing social reformer, after reversing legislation restricting the number of books prisoners are allowed – a measure presumably put in place by an as yet unknown scheming malefactor.

The Justice Secretary said “This draconian law is precisely the sort of thing that the Conservative party has always been completely against. I literally cannot imagine what kind of government could have thought this was a good idea.

“Best if we don’t look into it though I reckon. It’s not important who introduced it or when. All that matters is

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May 11, 2015

The TMB guide to Cameron’s new cabinet

by philapilus

 

Eric Pickles will be the new moon

As David Cameron continues to form his new cabinet, we bring you the lowdown on the ministers already appointed:
Prime Minister: Boris Johnson

In a surprise move, David Cameron has decided to make Johnson the head of his new government, though the role will only apply during the night-time when no one is looking. Boris will also take over David’s marital obligations to Samantha

Home Secretary: Michael Gove/Theresa May

The new government’s first cabinet meeting will feature a bloody death-match between these two ministers, who have each demanded the opportunity to stick and disembowel the other like a squealing pig. The victor will

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June 11, 2014

Daily Cartoon: Gove vs May

by philapilus

stefanbellToday’s cartoon, syndicated from sister paper The Grauniad, is another absolute corker from Stefan Bell, a cartoonist once hailed as being ‘almost as subtle as Gillray’.

This brilliant piece satirises the ongoing struggle between a certain two members of Cameron’s cabinet, and is

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June 9, 2014

Faces evolved to encourage punching, says study

by philapilus

Didn’t send passive aggressive emails about the office windows being left open, and you don’t particularly want to punch him; coincidence?

New research, founded on careful analysis of the fossil record, claims that as humans became wilier, nastier, and more vindictive, so their faces evolved to be ever more inviting to fists.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Centre for Anthropolgy and Punching, said “Early hominids were hulking simpletons. They’d take your arm off if you had food they wanted, but it wasn’t really malicious.

“They had big faces that you wouldn’t want to hit because you would break every bone in your hand.”

But, Professor McEyebrau claims, as people evolved into mentally agile creatures, capable of spite, meanness, and the invention of call-centres, their face-structure

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May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

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February 2, 2014

Gove to be placed in trash compactor to refresh DfE

by philapilus
File:Michael Gove at Chantry High School.jpg

“Honestly, how do you little oiks expect to get anywhere in the modern business world if you don’t even know when the Battle of Thermopylae was?”

Michael Gove denied this morning that he was getting rid of Ofsted head, Baronness Morgan, for political reasons, and insisted he merely wanted to “refresh the department”.

His announcement was immediately followed by a unanimous petition from the entire Department for Education and the National Union of Teachers, asking the Prime Minister to refresh the country’s educational establishment by crushing the Education Secretary in an industrial-size compactor.

Civil service spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Apparently Baroness Morgan, who happens to be a Labour supporter, is not being replaced with a Tory for partisan

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January 4, 2014

Department for Education are ‘lions led by donkeys’

by philapilus
Sources inside the Department for Education have revealed today that Michael Gove is modelling his entire political strategy on “the fuckwitted tactics of WWI British generals”.

The claim comes after Gove made a scathing attack yesterday on 25-year old sitcom Blackadder Goes Forth, for “trying to suggest that the (admittedly quite large) losses of British troops was  somehow the fault of their great leaders, rather than obvious cowardice on the part of the working class soldiery”.

Gove went on to say that

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