Posts tagged ‘michael gove twat’

October 3, 2014

A-level syllabus to include Daily Sport and Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown

by philapilus

Much more important than learning

The new English literature A-level will feature unconventional  set-texts, including Sophie Kinsella’s Confessions of a Shopaholic, the rantings of Roy ‘Chubby’ Brown, and a crumpled page of the Daily Sport that Michael Gove found in a hedge.

A Department for Education spokesman said that “The decision to update the syllabus to reflect contemporary culture is a timely one.

“There is so little in the works of Orwell, Conrad, or Austen that is relevant anymore. Today’s students need

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July 15, 2014

Gove’s new role as blackboard monitor “not a demotion” says PM

by philapilus

Michael was escorted off the premises today, and delivered to his new office, in a broom cupboard in Watford

David Cameron’s office insisted today that the reassigment of Michael Gove, from Education Secretary to ‘chief whip, blackboard monitor and photocopier paper fetcher’, is “not even slightly a demotion. Not even a teeny-weenie bit.”

A spokesperson said that “Michael has been doing some really brilliant work over at Education. He managed the unprecedented feat of uniting opinion amongst all the various education stakeholders in the UK. Teachers, heads, Ofsted, PTAs, pupil focus groups – have all joined in universal agreement for the first time ever.

“And that is, I think, an astonishing achievement, even if they are only, in fact, united by a common loathing of Michael.”

Gove, who was affectionately

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May 27, 2014

Gove axes all ‘dangerously modern or foreign’ literature

by philapilus
File:Of Mice And Men Poster.jpg

Like giving your children actual poison

In a move critics are describing as “a bit unorthodox”, Education Secretary Michael Gove has announced the eradication of all works of ‘degenerate literary art’ from school libraries.

The public burning of English-language books published after 1900, and of any book whatsoever that was originally “written in foreign”, will take place in every school across the country later this week.

Mr Gove said “Last week’s statement that we were going to do away with so-called ‘classics’ like Of Mice and Men, and To Kill a Mockingbird was actually

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February 2, 2014

Gove to be placed in trash compactor to refresh DfE

by philapilus
File:Michael Gove at Chantry High School.jpg

“Honestly, how do you little oiks expect to get anywhere in the modern business world if you don’t even know when the Battle of Thermopylae was?”

Michael Gove denied this morning that he was getting rid of Ofsted head, Baronness Morgan, for political reasons, and insisted he merely wanted to “refresh the department”.

His announcement was immediately followed by a unanimous petition from the entire Department for Education and the National Union of Teachers, asking the Prime Minister to refresh the country’s educational establishment by crushing the Education Secretary in an industrial-size compactor.

Civil service spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “Apparently Baroness Morgan, who happens to be a Labour supporter, is not being replaced with a Tory for partisan

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January 4, 2014

Department for Education are ‘lions led by donkeys’

by philapilus
Sources inside the Department for Education have revealed today that Michael Gove is modelling his entire political strategy on “the fuckwitted tactics of WWI British generals”.

The claim comes after Gove made a scathing attack yesterday on 25-year old sitcom Blackadder Goes Forth, for “trying to suggest that the (admittedly quite large) losses of British troops was  somehow the fault of their great leaders, rather than obvious cowardice on the part of the working class soldiery”.

Gove went on to say that

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