Posts tagged ‘Met Office’

October 28, 2014

Met Office gets supercomputer to access best adult sites

by philapilus

Like a big swirly nipple

Weather forecasters have hailed the announcement of a new Met supercomputer as “An end to the drudgery of the job, and of making do with the Sunday Sport during ‘toilet’ breaks”.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the Slough Institute of Meteorology said  “The £97m computer will allow minute fluctuations in weather to be predicted with an extraordinary degree of pinpoint accuracy, whilst simultaneously allowing you to ogle – and indeed Google – Needy Milfs.

“Cracking stuff.”

The Met Office decided

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February 12, 2014

Met Office issues revised flood information

by philapilus

The BBC Weather team

As it predicted yet more flooding today, the Met Office has said Britain’s only chance of survival against the righteous wrath of nature is to sacrifice key national figures, at various sacred coves, waterfalls, and ancient fords.

Weather forecasters were instructed this morning to lose the suits and designer dresses, put on their traditional druidic robes, and crown themselves with wreaths of hawthorn, before telling the cowed peasantry the most magical locations for ritually murdering a selection of politicians and celebrities.

BBC weatherman, Tomasz Schafernaker, said “Obviously you’ll want to keep an eye on regional television, to see which famous people should be dressed in white robes and then hacked up with a sickle, in your particular area.

“But the broad picture for the UK is that Prince Charles needs to be dismembered and thrown off Beachy Head, the Spice Girls must

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October 27, 2013

Terrifying megastorm “will destroy UK”

by articulatedsheep

The Met Office has warned that the colossal superstorm about to envelop the United Kingdom is “100% likely” to annihilate humanity.

The unprecedented warning came as the Government raised the weather advisory status to its highest red, or “FUUUUUUUCK!!!” category.

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June 3, 2013

UK weather warning: strange celestial shape spotted

by philapilus

It’s time to make peace with your Maker

The Met Office has issued a severe weather warning after a large burning, sphere was spotted in the sky this morning. The bright shining thing is thought to be the cause of a severe nationwide heatwave, which has seen temperatures everywhere rocket way above the safe level, and into double figures.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, from the Slough School of Sky Scrying, said “Across the country, our fluffy charcoal-grey sky appears to have been replaced with a blue so shockingly bright that it will quite probably destroy your retinas if you look right at it.

“As for the big white-hot thing slowly and inexorably climbing above us, we aren’t yet sure if it is a monster or an alien invasion, or even the Second Coming. All I can say is that everyone needs to hide in a basement with a thick blanket over their heads, until this terrible apocalyptic weather disappears.”

May 2, 2013

Severe Weather Warning: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at Lord's cricket ground...

God help us all

The Met office has released a nation-wide alert today, as it emerged that Britain is facing severe amounts of Nigel Farage.

As polls opened this morning for county council elections across England, news channels warned that high levels of Nigel Farage are to be expected, which could affect voting.

Schools and businesses will remain open, but the Met Office forecasts that “Britain will be inundated with Nigel Farage by midday, with Farage continuing well into

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