Posts tagged ‘Member of Parliament’

December 13, 2013

EU migrants to face 100 ‘most dastardly questions’ IDS can devise

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith-Nightingale House-M...

Shown here retaking O-level Maths for the 47th time, it is believed that Duncan Smith (who lied about having studied at the University of Perugia) thinks exams are the worst fate anyone can suffer

From today all EU migrants wanting to come to the UK will have to answer 100 questions written by Iain Duncan Smith, and then allow him to spit in their mouths, before they can claim benefits.

A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said “Immigration is a huge worry for us. We’ve all been basically running around the office, waving our hands in the air and screaming constantly, for about ten months now.

“Most mornings when I’ve taken the Minister his coffee, I’ve found him sitting under his desk, gently rocking backwards and forwards, muttering ‘Bulgarians, Romanians, millions of them…millions of

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December 10, 2013

MPs ‘brilliant again’ says everyone

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

‘This is my caring face’

After several years of residing in the metaphorical doghouse (largely for buying solid gold actual doghouses), MPs were today welcomed back into the bosom of the British public.

Yesterday’s confirmation of the 11%  payrise MPs are receiving as part of the government’s austerity measures, coincided with an afternoon’s Parliament of talking at length about how great Nelson Mandela was – reminding voters of the bloody good job their

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December 2, 2013

People still not riding to work on unicorns, says report

by philapilus
English: Tank!

How many KFC staff do you see rocking up in one of these?

The RAC Foundation has produced a report showing that most people are continuing to use traditional modes of transport, such as cars or buses, rather than riding on griffins, unicorns, or pegasi.

A spokesperson said “To our complete surprise, commuting in England and Wales is still generally done by car, train, bus… you know, things like that.

“Fewer than 1% of all commuters ride mythical creatures, less than 250 people within the M25 area arrive at the office on a combine harvester, and almost no one within urban conurbations sails to work in 19th century paddle steamers.

“This goes to show that when it comes to commuting, this

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October 2, 2013

Why Cameron’s cronies get the loaf, and the poor have crusts, by Polly Toynbee

by philapilus
David Cameron

‘I am guessing this uniformed man is the head of his fascist secret service, who go round supermarkets secretly re-pricing food until the poor can no longer afford it’

If ever we needed evidence that the Conservatives were out of touch, it came this week, when the Prime Minister admitted he didn’t know the price of a loaf of bread.

Unlike ordinary decent folk – like me – who do know the price (it’s 47p, and I didn’t just read that on the BBC website, I definitely already knew it), Cameron is living in Lala land.

Once again he seems to be inviting heavyweight, brilliant intellectuals – like me – to vent our spleens and make laboured, hamfisted, alliterative puns about how the crumbs and crusts the poor are living on are nothing compared to Cameron’s Cotswold Crunch.

In other words to make complete pretentious twats of ourselves.

Well, I’m not falling for it. I’m going to

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September 4, 2013

“Porn? Never heard of it!” say MPs

by philapilus
English: Rt Hon David Cameron MP speaking at t...

“…and then I saw this clip where a dominatrix pushes this man’s head into her lap and makes him – well, you really have to see it!”

David Cameron has strenuously rejected data resulting from an FOI request, which revealed that there were more than 300,000 attempts to access pornography in the Houses of Parliament in the last 12 months.

Cameron said “I want to express outrage at the ridiculous notion that we, as your elected representatives, spend any of our time whatsoever looking at rude videos online.

“Most MPs don’t even know what porn is! I mean, I only know because, well, you have to if you’re

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July 1, 2013

Cameron ‘powerless’ to cancel deliveries of caviar

by philapilus


English: Gold bars created by Agnico-Eagle

“Would you like a cherry on top of that, sir?”

It has emerged today that the prime minister is unable to prevent the recommendations of the Independent Parliamentary Standards Authority that MPs “Should help themselves to basically anything they want.”

Ipsa, which was set up in the aftermath of the expenses scandal, says that the only way to stop MPs stealing public money, is to give them a whopping 15% pay-hike, taking a backbencher’s salary to nearly £75k.

David Cameron has strongly criticised the rise in salaries, on the grounds that he had been hoping the public might forget just what greedy shits MPs are.

He is expected to

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April 16, 2013

Big Ben to go on strike during Thatcher Funeral

by philapilus
English: The Big Ben, London, view from across...

“I’m actually now considering ringing as loud and hard as I can throughout the whole fucking thing.”

It has been announced this morning that Big Ben will remain silent throughout Margaret Thatcher’s funeral tomorrow – but not for the reasons which had been previously stated.

John Bercow had told MPs that the world-famous bell in the Palace of Westminster’s clocktower, and the Great Clock itself, would both be silenced as a mark of respect for the former prime minister.

But the clock and bell made a joint statement, shortly after reading Bercow’s comments, saying “We strongly oppose the attempts of pernicious forces in Westminster to silence the real motivations behind our aniticipated silence tomorrow. We can not remain silent over the silencing of our intended silence.

“We wish it to 

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April 2, 2013

Duncan Smith rushed to hospital after £53pw challenge backfires

by philapilus
English: Iain Duncan Smith, British politician...

If he doesn’t pull through, Iain will always be remembered for his kind heart and dashing good looks

The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, was taken to hospital in what was described as a ‘dangerously critical condition’ this morning, less than 2 hours into his attempt to survive for a week on £53.

Duncan Smith had gamely taken up the challenge to prove his claim that living on the minimum benefits allowance was “a piece of piss”, and agreed to a trial beginning at 7:30AM today.

But after spending almost all

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November 20, 2012

Oil company furious to discover Peter Lilley is an MP

by philapilus
Global warming ubx

“Global warming is sheer balls; the Earth has ALWAYS had this purplish glow”

The board of Tethys Petroleum was outraged today to discover that Peter Lilley, the company’s Vice Chairman and Senior Independent Non-Executive Director, moonlights as a Conservative MP.

Worse still, he has recently been appointed to sit on the House of Commons Select Committee on Climate Change, which Tethys have branded “An outright conflict of interests”.

A spokesperson said “Frankly Tethys believes that Lilley’s credentials as a sceptic of the climate change claptrap are seriously undermined by the fact that he is being paid a salary to be an MP. How can his judgement not be affected when he receives money to sit on a committee actively involved in investigating this

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October 24, 2012

Lord Patten to oversee handover of the BBC

by philapilus
Pictured here is former Chinese Chairman Mao Z...

The new leaders of what will become the PRC Broadcasting Corporation have promised a series of intensive measures to stimulate growth and promote modernisation. Repeats of Morecambe and Wise shows and the Good Life have been deemed ‘Unlikely’.

As the Savile scandal continues to undermine confidence in the BBC, Chris Patten, the corporation’s chairman, has stepped forward to perform his customary role.

Following yesterday’s grilling of the director general, George Entwistle, by the culture, media and sport select committee, Patten reportedly felt that zealous MPs were damaging the integrity and independence of the BBC beyond repair.

He told reporters today “For many years the relationship between the BBC and the British people has been one of sometimes difficult, but always rewarding, encounters.

“It is with sadness for the past, but hope and confidence for the future, that I, as the Last Govern- sorry, as the Last Chairman, formally cede the BBC to the People’s Republic of China.

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