Posts tagged ‘Mel Gibson’

July 12, 2017

Vatican: Glutenous bread “more fleshy”

by unpseudable

An artist’s representation of Jesus

The Roman Catholic Church this week ruled that gluten-free bread can no longer be used in Mass.

In a letter to bishops, Cardinal Robert Sarah stated that gluten-free bread “just isn’t Jesusy enough, you know? The texture is all different – not like flesh at all, in my experience.”

Sarah (who is obviously a man – this is the Roman Catholic Church), went on to add, “I mean, what’s the point of a metaphor if people don’t stick to it rigidly?

“N-not that it’s a metaphor of course, oh no: Jesus was literally – literally, mind you – made of bread and wine.

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November 26, 2013

3 Minute Visions: My Scotland, by Alex Salmond

by philapilus
World cup England

“Furthermair I will pers’nally headbutt aw’ tha English till their heids burrst. Yon Bastards that ye are!”

For this edition of ‘3 Minute Vision’ — our weekly slot dedicated to reducing hard, complex issues to the cerebral equivalent of a small piece of fluffy lint with cotton-wool-like consistency — TMB has asked Alex Salmond to give a brief precis of why an independent Scotland is such a good idea:

Westminster scumbags bin doin us doon’ frae cent’ries past, so after a wee dram fir breakfast, I wrote yon white paper.

Some o ye bin sayin Scotland’s only got yon North sea oil, which is utter shite: oor thrivin’ economy’s got industry ranging frae shortbread, bagpeep recordings, an’ festive sporrans, tae rood postcards an’ tin brooches shaped like thistles; ye name it… and folks gang frae all roond the worl’ to buy oor tartan blankies.

Once we’ve o’erthrown tha

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April 17, 2012

Mel Gibson in just possibly non-anti-Semitic shock

by unpseudable

*Please see the caption in the previous article

It emerged this week that Mel Gibson may have actually made a decision based on fair-minded rationality rather than raving anti-Semitic idiocy.

A film based on the life of Judah Maccabee, revered as a great warrior of Jewish history, was put on hold by Gibson, as he claimed the screenplay by one Joe Eszterhas “lacked a sense of triumph”.

Despite claims to the contrary in an expletive-filled letter from buffoon screenwriter Eszterhas, Gibson claimed that he didn’t want to make the film based on Eszterhas’ script due to it being “substandard”. Ezsterhas in his thoughtful missive asserted that it was due to Gibson’s alleged rabid disdain for the Jewish people.

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