Posts tagged ‘McDonalds’

June 19, 2013

News Briefs: ‘traffic’ food labels get the go-ahead

by philapilus
English: A pair of white briefs.

We are going to have to replace our ‘News Briefs’ with ‘News Grannypants’, if you lardasses don’t stop eating


The UK government has announced the introduction of an improved and consistent method for labelling food packaging, based on the ‘traffic’ system, of green, amber and red colour-coding.

The new guidelines will also give more specific traffic symbol-based warnings on certain products. Fast foods like chocolate, crisps and chips will now have to emblazon their packaging with  ‘STOP’, ‘Wide Load Ahead’ and ‘Avoid Weak Bridges (You Fat Fuck)’.

Anything made by McDonalds, Nestle or Coca-Cola will additionally

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January 16, 2013

Outrage as wrong sort of testicles found in burgers

by philapilus

This would be much less appealing if it came from a horse

Shoppers expressed their fury today at announcements that the bits of intestine, testicles, nostrils and fat-cysts which they have been enjoying in their burgers, may have come from the wrong sort of quadruped.

Meat products from supermarket giants Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and Iceland have been withdrawn after tests indicated some products contained reclaimed processed mashed-up bodyparts that came from horses and not cows.

David Cameron issued a warning to food suppliers in a statement today; “This is totally unacceptable. Your big mashing machines, those ones that can grind up a tree and turn it into Weetabix, appear to have been used on horses instead of cows. Frankly all the poor people

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January 10, 2013

“Half the world’s food is absolutely yuck” says new report

by philapilus
bull ball

It’s not all bad; fast food burgers sometimes have actual bits from animals in them, like this.

The Institution of Mechanical Engineers has released a report which claims that around 50% of the world’s four billion tonnes of food is thrown away annually, because it is “Unbelievably disgusting and wholly indisgetible.”

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Institution’s Slough Roundabout branch, said “At first we thought that this waste was largely just down to edible foodstuffs being squandered through human error, inefficiency, and greed.

“But as we collected more data we found that almost all the food being thrown away tasted like  it was made of boiled baboon-anuses and raw bird-vomit. Maybe it was. We were too afraid to find out.”

The report states

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November 2, 2012

Government spends a fortune stuffing massive reptile

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles MP, Conservative Party C...

Photographs of his entire body are only possible from space

Following the shock news that the Foreign Office spent £10,000 restuffing an anaconda, an FOI request has this morning revealed this was not the only time public money has been poured into stuffing frightening, gargantuan reptiles.

Albert the anaconda was presented to the Foreign Office in the 19th century, and having deteriorated significantly, was conserved at considerable cost by scientists at the Natural History Museum.

But a Freedom of Information request by TMB has uncovered an expenditure of hundreds of thousands of pounds since the Conservatives came to power, on making sure Eric Pickles is also adequately stuffed.

A civil service source, who asked to remain anoymous, said “The problem with the thin-lipped, cold-blooded beast, is that when he dislocates his jaw, he is capable of swallowing a small community – in one sitting.

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June 8, 2012

Clothing store New Look enlists feminists to increase numbers of male customers

by philapilus
Polly Toynbee speaks at the October 2005 Labou...

Some women earn a fortune working for advertising companies, using their obnoxious personalities to convince you to do the opposite of what they say

It emerged this morning that fashion giant New Look is calling for strong-minded women to help raise market awareness amongst men, who are under-represented in its demographic.

The brand undertook market research last year, which revealed that the only men who ever entered a New Look store were the ones who sat looking bored and embarrassed outside the changing rooms, until their girlfriend came out.

At which point they would invariably offer a “It looks fine, can we just go now?”

“The problem New Look has,” said Mike Ock, head of research at FU Marketing, “is that men see it as a quintessentially woman’s shop. They don’t want to buy clothes there, even if they are amongst the 2% of our interviewees who actually know New Look now sells male clothing.”

The solution, said Ock, was straightforward.

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