Posts tagged ‘Maria Miller’

April 7, 2014

“She has my complete support” PM backs Maria Miller’s application to Dignitas

by philapilus

David Cameron today leaped to the defence of his embattled Culture Secretary, calling her critics “circling vultures”, and demanding that “we all just forget about the expenses thing now, stop searching for scapegoats, and let her get on with the important work of falling on her own sword.”

Might as well use up the stationery whilst you still can

Mr Cameron said “I have absolutely no intention to sack Maria, she is an excellent minister and MP, and I reject all calls for her to resign. Let me make myself clear; I will not bow to pressure, and she will remain in my cabinet right up until her plane leaves for Zurich.”

Maria Miller, who got into trouble claiming

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November 21, 2013

UK ‘City of Culture’ title only open to shitholes from now on

by philapilus
Español: Samuel Beckett

With such a plethora of UK cities qualifying as contenders, is it any wonder that Beckett spent most of his life in France?

As Hull revelled in the news that it would be the UK City of Culture in 2017, other cities previously tarred with the ‘complete shithole’ tag have stepped up their campaigns to win the coveted title.

A spokesman for Scunthorpe, who was too embarrassed to give his name, said “What’s Hull got that we haven’t? They’ve only won this on the basis that a poet had to take a library job there, because poetry pays fuck-all.

“Well Samuel Beckett once gobbed on the platform of Scunthorpe station when he was on a train passing through. We’ve made a blue plaque and everything. If that’s not culture I don’t know what is.”

Similarly Bradford is

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June 5, 2013

Gay marriage proposals dropped forever

by philapilus
Deutsch: Christoph Hopfengärtner, Meisterstück...

“I’m not knocking the bum-bandits and quim-sniffers, heavens no; it’s just that they’re more suited to liking furniture than getting married. That should be obvious to anyone.”

A resounding victory for the anti-gay marriage lobby was scored today, when Baronness Knight clinched the argument over equal marriage rights, on the BBC Radio 5 Live Breakfast Show.

The Baronness definitively destroyed the gay marriage bill with a single, philosophically irrefutable argument, when she explained that “You see, what gay people are for, is being great at things like knowing lots about antiques.

“Splendid people, lovely. I mean, some of my best friends, and

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June 3, 2013

Downing Street love affair triggers vomiting epidemic

by philapilus
English: Eric Pickles, British politician and ...

You’d need intestines of steel not to

A&E departments across the country are said to be completely overwhelmed this morning, after news of an affair between top government figures caused an outbreak of unstoppable vomiting.

The story broke yesterday in the Mail on Sunday. The paper, in the finest traditions of tirelessly impeccable Mail journalism, spread the unsubstantiated rumour and neglected to mention only such small details as the names of the people involved.

But this lack of a definitive ‘whodunnit’, meant that Britain was forced to spend the next 24-hours considering every potential horrible coupling from the large pool of incredibly unattractive senior

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