Posts tagged ‘Louise Mensch’

February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

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August 23, 2013

Daily Telegraph wins top toadying award

by philapilus

 

Steven Seagal at the Pollstar Awards in Februa...

Cameron is nearly this cool

The Daily Telegraph newspaper has this morning thrashed all the competition to take the prestigious ‘Arselicker of the Year’ press award.

The Torygraph, despite numerous entries from papers across the political spectrum, clinched the award at the last minute with today’s article showcasing beach-based snaps of David Cameron.

The article suggests readers listen to ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ whilst ogling the photos of a barechested Cameron striding manfully across England’s fair sands, enjoying a

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April 29, 2013

Conservative ‘Holy Relics’ to go on sale

by philapilus
Andrew Mitchell meets Michelle Bachelet, head ...

If he shakes your hand, don’t wash it, because the holiness that rubs off on you protects from scrofula and herpes.

Chairman of the Conservative Party, Grant Shapps, has unveiled a new Tory plan to auction off sacred obects associated with senior party figures.

Beginning with the bike belonging to Andrew Mitchell, which was at the centre of the ‘Plebgate’ row, key items are to be sold via Ebay, to spread the holy power of Conservatism throughout Britain.

Shapps said yesterday “Buying these miraculous objects is

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July 13, 2012

Syrian massacre provokes outcry

by philapilus
"The first British Hydrogen bomb is dropp...

“Not a single fucking goat in sight! What the hell is wrong with these people?”

The emerging story about the massacre in the Syrian village of Tremseh, that may have left up to two hundred people dead, has caused outrage today.

Whilst responsibility for the atrocity is unclear, with activists blaming the government, and the government in turn blaming rebels, an article outlining the sketchy facts led to thousands of furious responses when it was posted on the BBC website this morning.

“We have received almost five hundred complaints an hour,” said Mike Ock, of the Press Complaints Commission, “and we are upholding the universal content of these complaints in an official letter to the BBC. Because this rather unpleasant and distressing story has almost totally detracted attention from the fact that two goats have been surfing in California.”

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July 10, 2012

Diamond to forgo ginormous bonus: ‘That makes it all ok then’, says everyone

by philapilus
Ed Balls

Seriously, that’s his name. We aren’t even joking.

The news that Bob Diamond, the former CEO of Barclays who resigned last week, is not going to get his £20m bonus, has turned away the wrath of everyone in the country, according to an important study.

Diamond, who is at the centre of the rate-fixing scandal that has brought the otherwise unsullied, golden reputation of bankers down into the dirt, left his job having done unbelievably unethical things with interest rates.

“If interest rates were little children, Diamond would be guilty of paedophilia,” commented Tim Twanks, an unemployed commentator, “and the rest of Barclays would at least be guilty of being in some sort of child-porn ring. And the public would have been unknowingly deflowering minors, thinking they were of age…actually hang on, can I start this again? I think I picked the wrong metaphor.”

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May 8, 2012

Cameron and Clegg: “We can work it out”

by philapilus
Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne

Sometimes Cameron didn’t even bother turning up to the Couples Counselling sessions…

David Cameron and Nick Clegg will publically renew their vows today, in an outdoor ceremony presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Prime Minister and his squeeze have had a rocky couple of years, and want to reaffirm their relationship in front of the press, who have so closely followed the stormy rows.

According to a leaked memo, Clegg will begin the scripted exchange, saying “David, I promise to stay by your side (or more properly, beneath you), to nurture you, to cherish you, and to honour you, with my body, and I renew my vows by re-offering my ring – somewhat red and raw though it curently is.”

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January 30, 2012

Theresa May’s neighbourly hate-campaign strategy

by philapilus
Quinten Massys - An Old Woman ('The Ugly Duche...

Women are better at things like looking beautiful, not real stuff like politics

Female Home Secretary Theresa May – who is a woman – has proposed a new scheme whereby vindictive curtain-twitchers can band together to target minorities in the community.

The feminine Mrs May’s plan will allow neighbourhoods to gang up on any undesirables, like darkies, benders or Welsh people, without having to go through the whole process of sticking fiery crosses on their lawns or pelting their windows with stones.

“What I think we need,” said Mrs May, probably acting out of raw emotion, rather than rational judgement, “is a situation whereby if you don’t like someone who lives near you, you can find four friends who feel the same and then the five of you can go to the police who will be legally forced to go and terrorise the person or family you dislike. Isn’t that great?”

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