Posts tagged ‘London’

March 17, 2014

We’re all going to die

by unpseudable

Well, it was nice while it lasted

It has been confirmed this week that pretty much the whole of humanity should expect horrific and violent death in the almost immediate future.

A scientific study funded by NASA has hypothesised the various ways in which civilisation will almost certainly collapse in the coming decades.  Climate change, societal instability and war – not to mention unparalleled human fuckwittery – are pinpointed as major problems likely to destroy us all.

In the report, applied mathematician Safa Motesharri concludes that, “throughout history, civilisation appears to be on a sustainable path for quite a long time, but the Elites start consuming too much, resulting in famine among the Masses.  Things go a little haywire, and Bob’s your uncle,

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December 18, 2013

Biggs will be remembered as ‘lovable cheeky rogue’, say morons

by philapilus


In the flesh: The nasty Kray twins, dressed to...

Like Laurel and Hardy, only with more chelsea grins and fewer pratfalls

The death of Great Train Robber, Ronnie Biggs, has reignited the debate over whether crooks from the good old days should be reclassified by historians as ‘diamond geezers’ rather than ‘criminals’.

Ronnie Biggs who participated in Britain’s most famous heist, then escaped prison and spent nearly four decades on the run, was hailed as “One of the greatest Britons of the 20th century” by the prime minister, who will be delivering the eulogy at his funeral.

A police spokesman, PC McGarry No. 452, said “Ronnie was one of that generation of classic crooks, cheeky chappies, whose mottos in life were as big-hearted and joyful as they were themselves; ‘be lucky’, ‘you’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off’ and ‘you hold him down while I cut his eyelids off’.  Classic

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December 2, 2013

People still not riding to work on unicorns, says report

by philapilus
English: Tank!

How many KFC staff do you see rocking up in one of these?

The RAC Foundation has produced a report showing that most people are continuing to use traditional modes of transport, such as cars or buses, rather than riding on griffins, unicorns, or pegasi.

A spokesperson said “To our complete surprise, commuting in England and Wales is still generally done by car, train, bus… you know, things like that.

“Fewer than 1% of all commuters ride mythical creatures, less than 250 people within the M25 area arrive at the office on a combine harvester, and almost no one within urban conurbations sails to work in 19th century paddle steamers.

“This goes to show that when it comes to commuting, this

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November 29, 2013

Boris Johnson’s ‘Huzzah for Inequality!’ speech backfires

by philapilus

“Oh shit”

Boris Johnson uncharacteristically found his foot in his own mouth on Wednesday night, after an attempt to channel the spirit of Margaret Thatcher during a lecture backfired drastically.

Boris was giving the annual Margaret Thatcher Lecture at the Centre for Policy Studies, when he surprised the audience by going into a deep trance, and started a seance with the spirit of the former Prime Minister.

Extolling greed and envy as the generators of economic success, Boris interpreted Thatcher’s ghost in his own vernacular, saying “I really want to, uh, you know, big it up for the rich – come on chaps, round of applause for the rich, let’s hear it – jolly good, uh, you know, chaps with

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November 21, 2013

London Underground workers to be redesignated as gladiators

by philapilus
A deserted Temple Station platform - rush hour...

On the Tube no one can hear you scream

TfL has unveiled exciting new cuts to London Underground, which will involve closing every single ticket office, bringing staff out from the relative safety of their glass-fronted booths, and then pitting them against the aggressive, murderous hordes of London commuters.

At a press conference this morning, Mayor of London Boris Johnson said “Actually I… I… I think that this is going to be hugely popular, and um, you know very… very um, entertaining.

“It’s going to, you know, save us several million quid, and make for some great Youtube footage of our chaps and chapesses being, well, set upon I suppose.”

The revamp will also see lines run 24 hours a day at

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September 30, 2013

Fearful and Terrified people in Duck Tours ‘Fear and Terror’ ordeal

by philapilus
A DUKW on a tour of London, in the Thames just...

This one isn’t on fire, but if it was there would be FEAR and TERROR

The London amphibious bus tour operator, Duck Tours, has suspended the river component of its tours after one of its craft caught fire whilst in the Thames yesterday.

‘Fear and Terror’

Newspapers were quick to explain to people reading them that the people on board the vehicle had experienced ‘Fear and Terror’, rather than other emotions, such as enjoyment, hunger, enthusiasm or ennui.

‘Fear and terror gripped the passengers as the flames rose around them’ reported the newspaper that

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August 6, 2013

McDonalds and Burger King in bidding war for lab-burger

by philapilus
Petri Dish

McDonald’s have already had their marketing team design a mock-up poster showing how they will package and advertise the burger.

As the world’s first lab-grown burger was yesterday declared by food-critics to be “Partially edible”, “Not at all pleasant” and “A bland, unreal-tasting piece of detritus”, fast food chains McDonalds and Burger King entered a bidding war for the rights to sell the burger, once it reaches the mass-market stage.

The meat, produced in a lab from stem cells at a cost of £215,000, has been hailed by scientists as a breakthrough in the struggle to solve world hunger.

Head of the project, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough School of Catering and Origami, said “Currently the demand for meat is completely unsustainable, with 97% of the world’s cow supply used up in feeding the lardasses of the United States alone.

“Although we are only 

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July 23, 2013

Royal baby declines to comment on ‘immigrants go home’ campaign

by philapilus
Royal baby cam Lindo Wing London

The police stand by to begin evicting immigrants the second the baby gives the nod. Unless it’s one of those nods babies do because they can’t hold their heads up properly.

The infant son of Prince William and Princess Catherine declined to comment this morning over the announcement that several London councils are introducing measures to persuade illegal immigrants to leave the UK.

The crowd of journalists encamped outside St Mary’s hospital in Paddington clamoured for a statement from the baby, as plans for a targeted ‘Fuck Off Back Home’ advertising campaign were unveiled.

Barnet, Hounslow, Barking and Dagenham, Ealing, Brent and Redbridge will be using leaflets, posters and newspaper ads to make it perfectly clear to illegal immigrants that they are not at all welcome, and need to leave. Now.

Percy Spoke, spokesperson for

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July 22, 2013

Woman in labour to give birth

by philapilus
Newborn child, seconds after birth. The umbili...

Experts say that this is very much the sort of thing we can expect.

A woman in the early stages of labour has travelled to St Mary’s Hospital in Paddington, where it is expected she will later give birth to an infant, which will almost certainly be either a boy or a girl.

The birth will consist of an actual human person coming out of the woman, although for reasons of comfort, biology, and aerodynamics, the person will be several sizes smaller than the woman from whom it comes.

It is expected that the infant will be given a name or names, and will gradually

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June 18, 2013

Saatchi ‘attacker’: “I was only cuddling him”

by philapilus
English: blood, human, splatter, drops

Charles must have spilt some wine on the tablecloth. Actually it’s really quite beauiful, maybe it could go in his collection.

A man who was arrested last night for allegedly assaulting art collector Charles Saatchi has been released today, after explaining that he was only, in fact, giving him a cuddle.

The reclusive multi-millionaire was sitting at a restaurant enjoying a late dinner, said witnesses, when a man in a dark suit ran across the road and appeared to grab him by the throat.

He then seemed to repeatedly punch Saatchi’s face whilst throttling him, before kicking him in

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