Posts tagged ‘London Mayor’

April 20, 2016

“Sadiq Khan is muslim-coloured!” yells Cameron at PMQs

by philapilus
File:Sadiq Khan, September 2009.jpg


David Cameron caused considerable surprise today at Prime Minister’s Questions when he climbed up on the bench, pointed at Sadiq Khan MP, and shouted “Muuuussssslimmmmmm! Brrowwwwnn musssslim!”

As the prime minister continued to point and shriek, conservative MPs rose to their feet to get a better look at Khan, then joined the pm in horrified declamations.

“It was a terrifying spectacle,” said a Labour frontbencher, “just like in Invasion of the Bodysnatchers, when the

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May 31, 2015

Why I should be Mayor of London, by George Galloway

by philapilus

Smell that? Yep, that was from my arse. Aren’t you lucky?

To my friends, comrades, my legion of fans,

I address you in great humility, as a humble man, who, whilst not one to put himself forward, is nevertheless humbly putting himself forward in the London mayoral contest.

I’ve known that I should be Mayor ever since, as a prodigiously brilliant infant, I discovered how incredibly pleasant my faeces smelt.

And not just in comparison with other people’s poo, but also with such sweet scents as honeysuckle, cut-grass, and the

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November 29, 2013

Boris Johnson’s ‘Huzzah for Inequality!’ speech backfires

by philapilus

“Oh shit”

Boris Johnson uncharacteristically found his foot in his own mouth on Wednesday night, after an attempt to channel the spirit of Margaret Thatcher during a lecture backfired drastically.

Boris was giving the annual Margaret Thatcher Lecture at the Centre for Policy Studies, when he surprised the audience by going into a deep trance, and started a seance with the spirit of the former Prime Minister.

Extolling greed and envy as the generators of economic success, Boris interpreted Thatcher’s ghost in his own vernacular, saying “I really want to, uh, you know, big it up for the rich – come on chaps, round of applause for the rich, let’s hear it – jolly good, uh, you know, chaps with

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March 25, 2013

BoJo mauled by Eddie Mair

by philapilus
Boris Johnson

Surgeons say they may not be able to restore Johnson’s broken face to its former, rugged handsomeness

Mayor of London Boris Johnson is understood to be fighting for his life after being savagely assaulted by the BBC’s Eddie Mair yesterday.

Mair was drafted in to interview the charismatic politician, due to the continued absence of a recuperating Andrew Marr.

“He seemed a good choice,” said a BBC senior executive, “no one really knows much about him at the corporation, but he’s always been quiet, kept himself to himself, and, more importantly, his name is spelled very similarly to Marr’s. We thought he could do a spot of filling in, you know, no problems.”

But viewers were shocked as, instead of welcoming Johnson to the show, Mair hissed “I am going to eat your skin, fat boy!”, then

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November 3, 2012

Cartoon of the Day

by philapilus

Today’s cartoon comes from sister paper the Grauniad and is again a brilliant burst of satirical genius and blisteringly good art! Belle’s subtle humour perfectly captures the hilarity of Boris Johnson calling hecklers ‘Lefty Tossers’ this week…



October 11, 2012

Boris Johnson is 2012 Nobel Laureate

by philapilus
English: Mayor of London, Boris Johnson poses ...

The parasitic symbiote enveloping his head tells Boris what to do

The world’s most prestigious literary achievement, the Nobel Prize for Literature, has seen its fair share of surprise winners, but in a move that critics are calling “long overdue”, the 2012 laureate is none other than the Mayor of London.

The accolade, which has been awarded in the past to such varied luminaries as Gunther Grass, Gabriel Garcia Marquez and Winston Churchill, was expected to go to Haruki Murakami whose exquisite meditations upon life have made him a household name, at least in households which own his books.

Boris Johnson was not even considered to be a contender, and his writing has not often been taken seriously. Which is also true of his speaking, his presenting, and pretty much any instance in which he is ever considered in any way at all whatsoever.

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May 4, 2012

London Mayoral Election Results

by philapilus
Description: A Ku Klux Klan meeting in Gainesv...

Cortiglia has vowed to re-introduce impromptu outdoor parties across the capital, celebrating traditional values.

Although counting is still going on, and the final winner will not be declared until late tonight or early tomorrow morning, the overwhelming consensus is that Carlos Cortiglia has won a resounding victory, and will, in all probability, be the next Mayor for London.

Cortiglia is extremely well qualified to serve as the figurehead for one of the most financially significant, and multiculturally successful, cities in the world, as he is of course the British National Party candidate.

The BNP has a proven track record of excellence in matters of international integration. Only this year it was revealed that Nick Griffin had established important connections with American Third Position, a party who the Ku Klux Klan describe as “extremist nutters”.

A BNP statement in February said “We are glad to announce that Nick Griffin went to the States and touched willies with the leader of American Third Position, and they had a really good chat about how darkies are basically smelly, and look like they have been bathing in poo.”

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May 2, 2012

The main candidates – key facts

by articulatedsheep

On the eve of election day, we bring you a summary of key facts about the key main candidates for London Mayor.

TMB is grateful to Lynton Crosby for providing this information to us.

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May 1, 2012

Editorial: Mayoral Election

by philapilus
Extensive bomb and blast damage to Hallam Stre...

In all fairness though, not all of the Wetherspoon's bars are quite as smart as this one.

The Morning Babel’s complete inability to decide who would be the least totally fucking awful choice for Mayor of London leaves us in the position of not being able to dictate to you who you should unquestioningly vote for, which is of course the point of mighty news organs such as ours.

This failure on our part notwithstanding, we do want to take the opportunity to congratulate a sister newspaper, the Evening Standard, for its incredible ability both to come out in support of a candidate (Boris), whilst maintaining the objectivity to ridicule publicly the arguments for supporting him.

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April 30, 2012

London elections: your vote, your choice

by articulatedsheep

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

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