Posts tagged ‘Lidl’

January 16, 2013

Outrage as wrong sort of testicles found in burgers

by philapilus
Offal

This would be much less appealing if it came from a horse

Shoppers expressed their fury today at announcements that the bits of intestine, testicles, nostrils and fat-cysts which they have been enjoying in their burgers, may have come from the wrong sort of quadruped.

Meat products from supermarket giants Tesco, Aldi, Lidl and Iceland have been withdrawn after tests indicated some products contained reclaimed processed mashed-up bodyparts that came from horses and not cows.

David Cameron issued a warning to food suppliers in a statement today; “This is totally unacceptable. Your big mashing machines, those ones that can grind up a tree and turn it into Weetabix, appear to have been used on horses instead of cows. Frankly all the poor people

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November 23, 2012

Lord Freud to fire bullets at paupers’ feet, shouting “Dance! Dance for me!”

by philapilus
English: American layout roulette wheel.

Like this, but oh so much more interesting

A senior conservative has today lambasted the poor for being utterly boring, and called for urgent measures which would see welfare recipients facing life-or-death scenarios on a daily basis.

Lord Freud, who is working on a radical overhaul of the UK benefits system, said that those on welfare needed to take far greater risks, because at the moment: “Hearing about their stupid problems is just sending me to sleep.”

The Tory peer elaborated: “What I would like to see is a totally restructured system for allocating welfare payments, based on an absolutely enormous roulette wheel, on which every claimant has to have a turn. It would have about five hundred little slots, only one of which would allow them to receive a

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November 19, 2012

John Lewis ad proves UK is ready for apocalypse

by philapilus
English: Snowman

It doesn’t need your money, you stupid bastards; it just wants to live in your freezer

The nation’s tearful response to the John Lewis Christmas advert has proved conclusively that levels of emotional intelligence in Britain have plummeted below the ‘safe’ mark, and the only way forward is to destroy the country, according to a new study.

The Slough Recycling Centre’s Institute for Apocalypse Predictions, today presented its findings in a 300 page report, heavily recommending the unleashing of biologically engineered plague to wipe the slate clean.

Author of the Report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, said “This advert is essentially a very short programme in which one inanimate pile of frozen water is depicted in a series of tableaux, supposedly going to a shop to buy unnecessary garments for another inanimate pile of

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