Posts tagged ‘Liberal Democrat’

May 2, 2017

Farron: “I’ll offer real alternative or more of the same – whichever you prefer”

by philapilus
File:Tim Farron 02, July 2016.jpg

“Really? That’s what I think too!”

Tim Farron has continued to lay out a strong Liberal Democrat election platform today, offering to be as different or as similar to other parties as people want.

“Only we have a real message of a different Britain – or alternatively, the same Britain if you’d rather” pledged Farron.

“I’m offering real

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May 8, 2015

My favourite hat recipes, by Paddy Ashdown

by philapilus

“Of course, when I said I’d literally eat it I didn’t mean I’d literally eat it…”

Hi everyone! Paddy here again, with more of my favourite hat recipes!

As I said to Andrew Neil last night I don’t currently have any hats in the larder – but who does?! They’re so delicious you absolutely have to gobble them up straight away like a really fine chocolate truffle!

But after so many of you generously offered to

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June 6, 2014

Nigel Farage delighted with not winning Newark

by philapilus
2nd Place Ribbon by cross37 - A basic 2nd place award ribbon

“Yay! We won!”

Nigel Farage last night expressed his delight at UKIP’s coming second in the Newark by-election, and claimed “I think you’ll find we never wanted to win anyway.”

Mr Farage initially denied having ever indicated UKIP would win outright, then agreed he had said it but insisted he was talking about a different place called Newark, then denied it again, then finally said that whilst he had said it, if you listened carefully, it was clear he hadn’t meant it in the way it sounded.

He went on to explain that he was very tired.

“When I said we would win Newark, obviously what I meant was that the Conservatives would win the actual seat, but that we would

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October 22, 2013

May’s ‘go home’ van-drivers told ‘to go home’

by philapilus
Prime Minister David Cameron is met by Theresa...

“You’re not going to tell me to go home too, are you?” trembled May this afternoon

Home Secretary Theresa May was today forced to admit that a government plan to have vans driving round Britain shouting at illegal immigrants to ‘Fuck off back home’ with loudhailers, was “possibly not the very best idea ever in the history of the Home Office”.

Speaking to the Commons, Mrs May said “All drivers involved in the ‘go home’ pilot scheme, have been told to scrape the ‘Go Home!’ stickers off the sides of their vans, and then go home.

“The civil servants instructing them to go home then came to my office, whereupon I in turn instructed them to go home.”

But Theresa May insisted that

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March 1, 2013

Eastleigh put under quarantine

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at a conference in the G...

Sectioned since this morning

The town of Eastleigh has been blockaded and surrounded by the armed forces this morning, after the Ministry of Defence realised that its inhabitants were displaying total collective insanity.

MoD officials said the only possible conclusion after yesterday’s ‘sanity litmus-test’ was that the entire population of adult residents had been affected on a massive level by some devastatingly potent biological or chemical brain-warping agent.

Major Dick Haines-Fanshaw-Fanshaw said

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October 1, 2012

Tory poll shows country is crying out for Miliband family brawl

by philapilus
English: Foreign Secretaries David Miliband wi...

“You want justice, you want me to do murder for money, but you don’t call me Godfather, you don’t come to me with love and respect. But if you respect me, David, then your enemy Ed – he will become my enemy also. And he will fear you, David…”

Accoring to a recent survey commissioned by the Tory party, what the people of Britain really want is some sort of gladiatorial combat between the Miliband brothers.

The poll, which was obviously completely representative, unbiased, and as accurate a gauge of British opinion as can be taken without literally sticking a finger up England’s jacksie, indicates that 89.7% of people want to establish an everlasting Tory Imperium.

The vast majority of people also want David Miliband to fight Ed to the death, in a cagefight reminiscent of the Tom Hardy/Joel Edgerton film, ‘The Warrior’.

Two-thirds of those surveyed said they would settle for a televised argument over Christmas dinner, followed by the two brothers trying to strangle one another on the carpet whilst their parents move to the drawing room and turn up Bing Crosby.

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June 22, 2012

Gove’s education revolution “still not convincing people he isn’t a fuckwit”

by philapilus
Michael Gove at Chantry High School

“Why can’t you whiny little shits accept that your future is the backroom of Argos, and stop wasting my Department’s money?” said Gove, on a school visit this month

Michael Gove has today defended his plan to scrap GCSEs, reintroduce O-levels and replace the national curriculum with flexible education programmes, which he promises will be “The biggest sphincter-tearing sodomisation of the education system in decades”.

Speaking on the Today programme, Gove said “As a society we have made the mistake of institutionalised dumbing-down, and we have forced a conformity of standards onto disparate schools, resulting in an education system based on the lowest common denominators.

“What I want to do is roll back the monolithic uniformity that is holding so many of our children back, and return policy decision-making to the people who do it best, teachers. This will give each school the freedom to decide whether it wants to be an elite bastion of private education, with playing fields, stables, and beautiful Georgian buildings kitted out with state of the art equipment, or whether it would prefer to be a disease-ridden workhouse, preparing Britain’s vast numbers of unruly tykes for the careers they will enjoy in the shelf-stacking sector.

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June 13, 2012

Clegg “finally to show backbone” by standing up to Cameron in pointless, ineffectual way

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg, Leader of the Liberal Dem...

Receiving a bit of career advice; Clegg said this informal chat helped him immensely

The deputy prime minister, Nick Clegg, will today do everything he can to confirm speculations about how utterly impotent he is within the ironically named “coalition” government.

As the fate of  Jeremy Cunt completely fails to hang in the balance, Clegg has ordered the Liberal democrats to abstain from a pointless vote about whether or not the Hulture Secretary will be referred to the adviser on the ministerial code.

The ministerial code, a huge leather-bound manuscript, kept locked away and defended with terminal intensity by Keith Richards wearing a pirate hat, is a laughable list of things which ministers should try not to get caught doing.

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April 13, 2012

Mayoral election campaigns to show as little taste as is humanly possible

by philapilus
Beagle puppy

Ken's next video will show him beaming whilst this puppy licks his face in slow motion, with Karen Carpenter singing 'we've only just begun...'

Following Ken Livingstone’s incredibly sincere and emotionally raw breakdown into what the tabloids are calling “epic diluvian weeping”, at a screening of his own campaign video, other mayoral candidates have risen to the challenge of making their campaigns as nauseating as possible.

Ken’s tears were described by Ed Balls – whose name is actually seriously ‘Balls’ – as “Proof that beneath that fiercely intellectual crust, that veneer of charm and near-superhuman brilliance – politically and existentially – lies a beating heart of deep and rare compassion. Ken’s physical beauty is matched only by the profoundly  sumptuous integrity of his empathy.

“Look at this clip of him crying like a baby as crowds wave banners showing him hugging a kitten. See?”

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March 12, 2012

No articles about Nick Clegg today

by philapilus
English: Shirley Williams, Baroness Williams o...

Having a go at this poor old dear would be like running up to Simon Weston and saying "Hey, mate: You're REALLY handsome...NOT!!" You vicious bastards...

In a surprising move, the British press has today made a uniform decision not to bother printing anything about the sorry state in which the Lib Dems – well, to be honest you already know. Which is precisely the point.

After the combined might of Clegg and Shirley Williams failed to control the party at its Gateshead conference, the editors of every newspaper in the country issued a joint statement that “It’s really just not worth writing about Nick anymore. It’s like stapling a corpse to a wall in order to be able to execute it by firing squad.”

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