Posts tagged ‘Kenneth Clarke’

May 2, 2013

Wanker of the Week: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
Nick Farage Interviev

“I would like to see your fanny, but failing that, please will you vote for me?”

Nominated by:

Everyone.

Nominated for:

Being Nigel Farage.

TMB would like to state that in all fairness we feel we should not reflect political biases. Therefore despite the fact that, due to voting-patterns of our readers which are beyond our control, Farage is named our ‘Wanker of the Week’, we will also provide some

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May 2, 2013

Severe Weather Warning: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at Lord's cricket ground...

God help us all

The Met office has released a nation-wide alert today, as it emerged that Britain is facing severe amounts of Nigel Farage.

As polls opened this morning for county council elections across England, news channels warned that high levels of Nigel Farage are to be expected, which could affect voting.

Schools and businesses will remain open, but the Met Office forecasts that “Britain will be inundated with Nigel Farage by midday, with Farage continuing well into

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September 4, 2012

Nation supremely grateful as Osborne remains chancellor

by philapilus
George Osborne at Conservative Spring Forum 20...

It’s like being in a plane flying towards a fuck-off gigantic mountain, and opening the cockpit door only to discover that the pilot is a crash-test dummy

Euphoria and irrepressible gratitude have swept Britain today, as David Cameron’s cabinet reshuffle leaves the nation’s favourite politician, George Osborne, in his role as chancellor of the exchequer.

Whilst obviously every member of the Tory-led coalition has been just brilliant, and no-one has done anything remotely bad at all, Cameron’s new broom has swept up some surprising casualties.

Perhaps the biggest upsets so far have been Jeremy Cunt the Hulture Secretary, and Andrew Lansley the Health Secretary, both losing their positions despite truly outstanding work that has delighted the electorate.

But Osborne has clung on.

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April 10, 2012

Pirate-terrorist Abu Hamza “Might not like” neverending incarceration

by philapilus
Captain Hook

Imagine; “Aaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhhhh me shipmates…”, but in a trying-to-blow-the-shit-out-of-people-who-aren’t-religious-maniacs sort of way.

One-eyed, one-handed terrorist suspect Abu Hamza – who is, to be fair, a bastard so apparently it’s ok to laugh – will find out later whether or not he is going to be extradited to the US, where he may face lifelong incarceration under incredibly harsh conditions.

Hamza and five other men are fighting extradition on the grounds that, actually, they’d prefer not to live in so-called ‘Supermax’ prisons, which, despite their upbeat moniker, are not places of joy and high-octane excitement.

“The issue,” said Human Rights lawyer Penelope Pitstopovic, “is that whilst extradition is totally fine for potentially innocent people, (provided of course that no one is ever, ever extradited from the USA, obviously), convicted hate-criminals and massive arseholes like Hamza might have a bit of a shit time in big nasty prisons. And that would be bad. Sad face. See?”

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April 4, 2012

Cameron in quoting scripture gaffe

by philapilus

 

Wizard Hat

His only salvation may be that he forgot to wear his hat whilst reciting the words...

The government was in disarray today after David Cameron threw in an off-the-cuff Biblical quotation into a speech he made at an Easter reception.

The Prime Minister spoke in overtly religious tones, identifying himself with Christians and welcoming a Christian “fightback”, all of which was appropriately platitudinous.

But then, to the horror of senior Conservatives, Cameron went on to say “I mean, Jesus – who was actually literally magic – said some right-on stuff, you know? Personally I really do think we should “do to others what we want them to do to us” and…”

His mouth crystallized into a perfect ‘O’ of horror as he realised the words he had just spoken.

“No, no please, wait; wait!” he begged, but already reporters were tweeting, blogging and texting, and Cameron’s Incantation from Magus Luke’s Tome of Spells began to take hold on reality.

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