Posts tagged ‘Ken Livingstone’

June 17, 2012

Danny Boyle revamps Olympics ceremony plan

by philapilus - Comic-Con 2009 - Stargat...

Unlike everybody else involved, this man would still be able to find work next year…

Since the unveiling last week of Danny Boyle’s bucolic vision for the 2012 opening ceremony, the public’s initial surprise and befuddled confusion has turned to nausea and increasingly irate revulsion, with the result that Boyle has been asked to drastically revise his ideas.

The director’s original plan for a sickeningly quirky stage-set of pastoral Britain showcased a green and pleasant microcosm of the four nations.

The sights of a county cricket match, children doing maypole dances, and buxom lasses pulling warm pints of bitter in thatched-roof pubs, were carefully balanced with scenes of casual racial violence, failed tennis players sobbing into their clenched fists, and large queues of grumbling misanthropic bastards standing indefinitely at bus stops, waiting for buses that never come.

The finale was to be a vast, waddling parade of overweight pregnant teens, wearing jewellery stolen from Argos in the riots.

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May 4, 2012

London Mayoral Election Results

by philapilus
Description: A Ku Klux Klan meeting in Gainesv...

Cortiglia has vowed to re-introduce impromptu outdoor parties across the capital, celebrating traditional values.

Although counting is still going on, and the final winner will not be declared until late tonight or early tomorrow morning, the overwhelming consensus is that Carlos Cortiglia has won a resounding victory, and will, in all probability, be the next Mayor for London.

Cortiglia is extremely well qualified to serve as the figurehead for one of the most financially significant, and multiculturally successful, cities in the world, as he is of course the British National Party candidate.

The BNP has a proven track record of excellence in matters of international integration. Only this year it was revealed that Nick Griffin had established important connections with American Third Position, a party who the Ku Klux Klan describe as “extremist nutters”.

A BNP statement in February said “We are glad to announce that Nick Griffin went to the States and touched willies with the leader of American Third Position, and they had a really good chat about how darkies are basically smelly, and look like they have been bathing in poo.”

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May 2, 2012

The main candidates – key facts

by articulatedsheep

On the eve of election day, we bring you a summary of key facts about the key main candidates for London Mayor.

TMB is grateful to Lynton Crosby for providing this information to us.

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May 1, 2012

Editorial: Mayoral Election

by philapilus
Extensive bomb and blast damage to Hallam Stre...

In all fairness though, not all of the Wetherspoon's bars are quite as smart as this one.

The Morning Babel’s complete inability to decide who would be the least totally fucking awful choice for Mayor of London leaves us in the position of not being able to dictate to you who you should unquestioningly vote for, which is of course the point of mighty news organs such as ours.

This failure on our part notwithstanding, we do want to take the opportunity to congratulate a sister newspaper, the Evening Standard, for its incredible ability both to come out in support of a candidate (Boris), whilst maintaining the objectivity to ridicule publicly the arguments for supporting him.

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April 30, 2012

London elections: your vote, your choice

by articulatedsheep

This Thursday will see the fourth set of elections for a London Mayor. Because everyone and everything in the world that is important either is in, or relates to, London, we are going to ignore the fact that 109 councils in the rest of England are also having elections (along with the Welsh Assembly) to provide you with a quick and easy guide to decide who to cast your ballot for on Thursday, on the assumption that you live in the capital.

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April 20, 2012

Sugar lifts Livingstone campaign

by unpseudable

If that's not the face of someone having a really serious shit, I don't know what is

As the London Mayoral election race hots up to temperatures just in excess of zero degrees Kelvin, Lord Sugar is seeking to help guide floating voters.

Reality TV star, Alan Sugar, has urged people not to vote for Ken Livingstone in the upcoming election – an action described as “a boon” by the election team behind Livingstone himself.

“Thank the Lord!  Quite literally,” says Ken’s publicity Guru, Gary Uru. “I mean things were looking pretty shitty there for a while, what with Ken’s unerring shittiness and all, but this has really given the campaign the boost it needed.  I mean, who do you trust less: Sugar or Livingstone?  Eh? Eh?  Or Johnson, for that matter?  See, it really evens out the odds.”

Boris Johnson is reported to be “upset” at this recent turn of events.  Sources suggest that he has approached the likes of Simon Cowell and someone else of whom TMB researchers simply can’t be arsed to find out the name, to ask them to publicly write off the posh tosser, hoping to tip the balance back in his favour.

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April 13, 2012

Mayoral election campaigns to show as little taste as is humanly possible

by philapilus
Beagle puppy

Ken's next video will show him beaming whilst this puppy licks his face in slow motion, with Karen Carpenter singing 'we've only just begun...'

Following Ken Livingstone’s incredibly sincere and emotionally raw breakdown into what the tabloids are calling “epic diluvian weeping”, at a screening of his own campaign video, other mayoral candidates have risen to the challenge of making their campaigns as nauseating as possible.

Ken’s tears were described by Ed Balls – whose name is actually seriously ‘Balls’ – as “Proof that beneath that fiercely intellectual crust, that veneer of charm and near-superhuman brilliance – politically and existentially – lies a beating heart of deep and rare compassion. Ken’s physical beauty is matched only by the profoundly  sumptuous integrity of his empathy.

“Look at this clip of him crying like a baby as crowds wave banners showing him hugging a kitten. See?”

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March 23, 2012

TMB Film: Reviews from the the leading Mayoral candidates

by philapilus
Silent Single 8 Movie Camera

"The talkies" are becoming almost as popular as books or chamber music recitals

Ken: “I’ve just seen Passport to Pimlico – and it’s great!”

First we caught up with ex-Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone to ask him what film has most impressed him recently…

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February 22, 2012

Livingstone in “bridge to the moon” promise

by articulatedsheep

The race for London mayor is hotting up, as Ken Livingstone has announced

A pint for the person who gets this joke

his transport priorities for the next four years.

If elected as Mayor, Mr. Livingstone has pledged to step up investment in London’s transport infrastructure by:

–        Making the Underground, and London buses, free to use on a permanent basis;

–        Building eighteen new Tube lines, including direct connections to the Paris Metro system and the New York Subway;

–        Building tram lines down every single street and pathway in Greater London.

“No longer will we see Londoners’ money being wasted on expensive vanity projects,” said Livingstone, apparently without any sense of irony. “I make these absolute pledges on which the capital can judge me in 2016. Remember that when I stood for re-elected in 2004 I gave a promise that I would reduce Tube fares? True to my word, I only put them up by 9%. I think that demonstrates that I am a man to be trusted.”

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February 9, 2012

Livingstone in ‘Our gays are better than your gays’ row

by philapilus
English: Margaret Thatcher, former UK PM. Fran...

Tories have tended to be secretive about their homosexuality. Oh, and on an unrelated note, here's a photo of Maggie...

The ex-Mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, has once again managed to cause something of a media-storm with some brilliantly ill-chosen words.

No stranger to controversy, Livingstone has accused the Tory party of being riddled with people who are gay – but, he says, they are the wrong sort of gays.

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