Posts tagged ‘Katie Hopkins’

December 31, 2015

2016 New Year’s Honours: Lynton Crosby knighted for services to Darkness

by philapilus

Crosby’s successful work on the Tory campaign has enabled Cameron and Osborne to continue their brilliant reign of plenty for another 5 years

Labour has complained vociferously at the news that Tory campaign manager Lynton Crosby is being knighted after orchestrating the resounding 2015 Conservative electoral victory.

Sir Crosby is receiving his honour for “Services to the Realm of Eternal Darkness”, in recognition of his essential work in establishing Cameron’s Second Reich.

But newly-minted Labour peer Baron Spencer Livermore argued that “peerages for those orchestrating political campaigns are an outrageous exercise in hypocritical cronyism.

“And you should listen to me because I’m a baron, even if my attempts to help Labour win the last election were unsuccessful…. um… is it just me, or

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December 11, 2015

Mugabe backs Hopkins on backing Trump

by philapilus

‘England’s Rose’: according to Peter Sutcliffe, 84% of people consider Katie Hopkins to be the epitome of beauty

Robert Mugabe has this morning weighed into the argument over Donald Trump’s call for a US Muslim ban, claiming that “65% of all Britons agree with Katie Hopkins that at least 25% of all Britons agree with Donald Trump. Britain First! America First! Rights for Whites!”

Mugabe’s words were immediately backed by Kim Jong Un, whose support for Mugabe was subsequently backed by ISIS, who claimed that 3.3bn people (including themselves) had signed a petition calling for Trump to be king of the world.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Fuckwit-Analysis said “This is not the first time this has happened; a bigoted twat comes up with some spurious bullshit, which is immediately backed by an even bigger moron who invents some statistics, which are

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March 30, 2015

Katie Hopkins joins Labour campaign with pledge to leave UK

by philapilus

Hopkins is the only female journalist whose existence was prophesied in the Book of Revelation: “Yea, and forth shall come a right bitch who will be unto you as a shard of broken glass through thine eyeballs, and a grating noise of horror in thine ears. And ye shall despair.”

Official Mouthpiece of Satan, Katie Hopkins, has unexpectedly joined forces with Ed Miliband, promising the UK that she will “fuck off forever and leave you all alone, if you promise to vote for Labour”.

Taking to Twitter, the professional harridan said “I guarantee that if Ed becomes PM I will leave this country and never come back. I might even get a surgeon to fuse my jaws together and cut off my typing finger, if you’re lucky.”

Labour spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “When Katie’s agent told us she

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February 5, 2014

Big Benefits Row voted best television programme of 2014

by philapilus

‘Phwooaarr!’ as John Major used to say. Not just a hottie, but she knows what she’s talking about, too.

Channel 5’s Big Benefits Row, and its presenter, Matthew Wright, have been given special one-off  awards by BAFTA, in recognition of the enormous and profound impact on the issue of welfare reform that the programme achieved.

A statement from BAFTA said that “Matthew Wright presided over a calm, measured, and insightful debate, which he masterfully arbitrated.

“The titular ‘row’ was more of an exercise in Socratic method, with Wright helping an audience of extremely well-qualified celebrities to reach such important and unarguably correct conclusions, that Iain Duncan Smith himself has

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