Posts tagged ‘Justin Welby’

October 24, 2013

Royal Christening chaos

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Still missing

The private christening yesterday of Prince George was mildly overshadowed by ‘supernatural oddities’, according to eye witnesses.

A close relative of the couple said “It all started when Kate carried him in to the Royal Chapel at St James Palace. The walls began trembling, and the pews bounced across the floor, which hadn’t happened in the chapel since Prince Philip ate that dodgy curry in 1987.

“Then, just as the Duchess was about to

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September 30, 2013

“You say Tom*TAY*to, I say tom*TAR*to, let’s call the whole thing an abomination,” say Tories

by philapilus
English: Green tomato on the plant before ripe...

Look at them rubbing against each other like a right bunch of gaylords

A new hybrid plant, called the TomTato, has just come onto the market, and has already been roundly deplored by senior Conservatives as “an unholy debasement of the concept of marriage, as laid down by God Almighty.”

The TomTato, created by grafting a potato stalk to a tomato stalk, was intended to be a solution for people with small gardens, as it produces both crops from a single plant in a single pot.

But Peter Bone, Tory MP, said “This plant clearly represents a departure from scripture. Need I remind today’s market gardeners of Leviticus 19, which says ‘thou shallt not sow thy field with

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June 12, 2013

C of E row over ‘breakdancing Jesus’s’ views on gay marriage

by philapilus
Stained glass at St John the Baptist's Anglica...

Just imagine how useful that halo could be for headspinning

The Anglican communion has once again come to the verge of schism, after the unveiling of a mural in Bristol depicting a breakdancing Jesus.

Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, said “This painting of Christ, doing that sort of ‘handstand-on-one-hand’ thing breakdancers do, is on the one hand (pardon the pun) a wonderful celebration of cultural and religious diversity.

“But, unfortunately, it has of course also raised the deeply controversial question of how a breakdancing Jesus might feel about the issue of gay marriage. Would a toprocking saviour feel that bumsex or muffdiving was something to be celebrated in sanctified matrimony? I think not.”

Liberal Christians, however, contend that

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April 23, 2013

George Osborne’s Diary

by philapilus
George Osborne 0437bm

If I hold this in front of me, no one will see the stain

April 23rd

Got up this morning urgently needing a tinkle. Barely made it to the loo in time. Bed was dry today though, so that was a good start. Washed hands thoroughly.

What a week it’s been! Dear Margaret’s funeral of course, what a sad day for Britain and the world. Bit of a problem though, desperately needed a wee halfway through. Of course, you can’t get out when you’re in the middle of a pew!  

Had to sit there squeezing the

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March 21, 2013

Archbishop spells out radical new message on homosexuality row

by philapilus
Justin Welby to be confirmed as Archbishop of ...

Hands up if you still can’t decide…

The newly enthroned Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, announced today that he would bring to the church a new way of thinking about the controversial issue of gay marriage.

Speaking to a 2000-strong congregation, which included Prince Charles and David Cameron, Welby said “I feel that the deep divisions over same-sex marriage within the Anglican community have brought us to  a point of crisis, and the time for a new direction has come.

“And so whereas my predecessor, Dr Rowan Williams, characterised his feelings on this issue as ‘Frustrated’, I think you will all agree my approach is both original and positive when I tell you that I, on the other hand, feel ‘Challenged’.”

He beamed and repeated “‘Challenged’, see? It’s a totally different word.”

After several moments of

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December 5, 2012

‘Now just hang on a frigging minute!’ say ordained women

by philapilus
Adam and Eve

The whole problem started with this dopey cooze; “Eat the apple, oh go on, eat the apple.” Idiot.

The recently unsuccessful campaign for women bishops reformed itself around a new purpose this morning, following the government’s announcement of changes to the rules of royal succession. 

The changes will allow Prince William’s first child to succeed automatically to the throne, even if he has a girl — a move which women liberals in the CofE have condemned as a violation of all that is natural and/or holy.

Large commedienne Dawn French, who has played a vicar and therefore knows what she is talking about, said “Women everywhere have struggled for the right to be the one in the funny hat and robes who tells all the ones in the funny robes but without hats what to do.

“I mean it’s pretty demeaning that

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November 22, 2012

“God prefers willies” says Church of England

by philapilus
English: Rowan D. Williams, Archbishop of Cant...

“I’m not saying its massive, but at least it dangles, and that’s all God cares about”

In the wake of the General Synod’s vote yesterday, which saw the CofE reject proposals to allow women bishops, a statement was released this morning claiming that, generally speaking, God Almighty is much more into dicks than fanny.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and Justin Welby who will succeed him at the end of his term, co-authored a letter to the Times in which they explained that “Before the vote the Church engaged in long and deep prayer sessions, asking that the will of God be revealed through the voting of his followers.

“Clearly therefore, it was His holy guidance which led us to decide that women aren’t as good at stuff like wearing dresses and talking loudly in public.”

The letter continues “On the whole, God is

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November 19, 2012

“Actually, we don’t want to be bishops anyway” say women

by philapilus
English: Henry Chichely, Archbishop of Canterbury

“We already get to wear much nicer dresses, anyway.”

As the Church of England’s General Synod prepares to vote tomorrow on whether to allow women to become bishops, the Anglican communion has been rocked by the revelation that women don’t care anymore.

Across the country, equality groups and feminist campaigners said this morning that the whole thing was just boring now.

“It’s taken twenty years to get to this vote,” said Reverend Dawn French, whose congregation at Dibley had been very keen to see her leave and stand for a bishopric “And frankly, I just think I want to work in a sector where wondering if women aren’t some dirty, inferior shadow to men isn’t cutting edge, radical thought.

“I was thinking of

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