Posts tagged ‘Jeremy Corbyn’

June 1, 2017

Election: May misses leader debate to heal the sick and minister to the needy

by philapilus
File:Theresa May MP.JPG

“Scared? Don’t make me laugh!” said May from several hundred miles away

Theresa May announced this morning that her decision not to attend last night’s televised debate between party leaders was “absolutely not down to abject terror” and was purely because she was “busy ministering to the sick and needy”.

May said that she didn’t have time to waste on unimportant matters like being accountable to the country on live TV, or answering questions that people really want the answers to before they vote on who will run the country.

“That would have been

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April 19, 2017

I guess you could vote Labour? by Jeremy Corbyn

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn crop.jpg

About twenty per cent less up for this than he looks

Hi everyone, Jeremy here, with some advice for the very exciting upcoming general election – a snap election which is bound to cement my position as Labour leader!

My message is simple and sincere, and it’s this: you won’t necessarily be wasting your vote if you vote for Labour (although I should point out that

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September 26, 2016

Corbyn faces new leadership challenge

by philapilus
owen_smith_2013_cropped

Smith called for unity. Moments later his nose grew by more than 17 inches

Jeremy Corbyn has been told by a large majority of Labour mps that he has lost the confidence of his party and must face a leadership challenge. Again.

On Monday morning, and less than 48 hours after beating off challenger Owen Smith to win the leadership of the party democratically for a second time, Corbyn was informed by 75% of labour MPs that he must stand aside or fight a bitter election. Again.

Former challenger Angela Eagle, who is

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August 25, 2016

Jeremy Corbyn bulldozes own home to make point

by philapilus

“I’m thinking of cutting my nose off to teach my face a lesson. What do you think?”

Jeremy Corbyn has drawn attention to homelessness this morning, by driving a bulldozer straight through his own house.

The move followed his publicity coup in raising awareness of seat-shortage on trains, after he was filmed earlier in the week sitting on the floor of a partially empty train near some free seats.

Standing amidst the ruin and rubble of

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July 26, 2016

Judge falls asleep during Corbyn ballot hearing

by philapilus

The hat has really helped Jeremy’s appeal spread beyond the traditional Labour core 

The judge hearing the legal challenge against Jeremy Corbyn’s inclusion on the Labour leadership ballot paper has fallen asleep, it was revealed this afternoon.

Judge Fanshawe-Haines was hearing the case brought by Labour donor Michael Foster – who contends Corbyn should have to meet a prerequisite number of nominations, as does challenger Owen Smith – when he nodded off.

Bailiff Bill Laff said “We’d got past the excruciatingly dull opening statements, and were just starting to get into the arcana of Labour Party rules and the

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June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable
jeremy_corbyn_global_justice_now

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,

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June 28, 2016

Hodgson resigns from shadow cabinet

by philapilus

has had enough of Corbyn

Roy Hodgson has resigned from the shadow cabinet following the England football  team’s drubbing at the hands of a country with less people in it than Shropshire.

After England pulled out of Euro 2016 due to being comprehensively beaten, Hodgson said he “no longer had faith in Jeremy Corbyn, and I will no longer serve in

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March 19, 2016

Labour plans weeklong campaign on the abolition of the Agricultural Wages Board

by articulatedsheep

Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.

In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.

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March 14, 2016

Osborne: “£4bn is nothing; I spend more on Pringles”

by philapilus
File:GeorgeOsborne2015.jpg

“It’s quite simple: if I take your money away, then the country is richer, which means you are better off”

George Osborne has defended yet further planned cuts to public spending, insisting that “£4bn is a tiny amount. That’s less than I spend a year on crisps. Seriously, I could shit more than that.”

The extra cuts will be announced in the chancellor’s 8th budget this Wednesday, and will be, says the chancellor “so insignificant that anyone who complains is obviously just a moany bum-sniffer.”

Critics have

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January 11, 2016

Corbyn ‘pretended his Twitter was hacked’ after drunken tweets

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn No More War crop.jpg

Feeling and looking rough as f*ck

Jeremy Corbyn has admitted this morning that he lied about his Twitter account being hacked, after making a series of unwise drunken tweets last night.

The leader of the opposition addressed a press conference in a pained whisper. Holding a cold flannel to his forehead and shutting his eyes tightly, he said “Look, I’m really sorry. Both for the inappropriate tweets and for lying, but please just leave me alone with

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