Posts tagged ‘Jeremy Clarkson’

December 31, 2015

2016 New Year’s Honours: Lynton Crosby knighted for services to Darkness

by philapilus

Crosby’s successful work on the Tory campaign has enabled Cameron and Osborne to continue their brilliant reign of plenty for another 5 years

Labour has complained vociferously at the news that Tory campaign manager Lynton Crosby is being knighted after orchestrating the resounding 2015 Conservative electoral victory.

Sir Crosby is receiving his honour for “Services to the Realm of Eternal Darkness”, in recognition of his essential work in establishing Cameron’s Second Reich.

But newly-minted Labour peer Baron Spencer Livermore argued that “peerages for those orchestrating political campaigns are an outrageous exercise in hypocritical cronyism.

“And you should listen to me because I’m a baron, even if my attempts to help Labour win the last election were unsuccessful…. um… is it just me, or

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September 2, 2015

Britain’s 9 sperm donors named

by philapilus

“There’s still time to get Bellamy’s” said Packham, rubbing his hands together

After yesterday’s shocking news that the national sperm bank has only nine registered donors, assiduous reporting (and blackmail) have today allowed TMB to bring you the names and motives of the people whose babies will soon be infiltrating the population

Boris Johnson: the Mayor of London and popular comedian donated in order to create a future army of trike-riding Johnsons, who at some unspecified point in time will be activated synchronously to bring about bloody revolution and death to all car-users

Chris Packham: Packham’s extreme racialism has convinced him that only a species composed of supremacist wildlife-enthusiasts deserves to triumph in the war of the survival of the fittest

Bill Oddie: was turned to the cause by Chris Packham

David Attenborough: Sir David’s

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April 10, 2015

Clarkson frontrunner for new British Museum director

by philapilus

It’s thought that Clarkson will turn the famous round reading room into a motorcycle ‘globe of death’

It has emerged that disgraced Top Gear presenter, Jeremy Clarkson, has become the bookies’ favourite for the soon-to-be vacated top job at the British Museum.

Speculation grew after Clarkson pulled out of a scheduled Have I Got News For You appearance, and simultaneously took out some books about pyramids from the children’s section of his local library.

Jeremy’s friend admitted yesterday that “JC just wants a bit of time to brush up on his knowledge of world cultural history. Which is dire.”

Sajid Javid, Minister for

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March 27, 2015

Clarkson: ‘Leave my friend Ois alone, or I’ll punch him in the face again’

by philapilus

“Why can’t you take a leaf out of my book and just be nice to him?”

Jeremy Clarkson has railed at journalists for pestering Oisin Tymon, the producer he punched, leading to his own dismissal from the BBC.

The former Top Gear presenter said he was irate about seeing “Poor little Oisin being hassled by all of you journos, just because I punched him. Oisin has the right to be punched in privacy!

“In this age of

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March 12, 2015

Millions back Clarkson in campaign for ‘freedom of violence’

by philapilus

“I am saddened by this infringement of my human rights” said Jeremy

Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.

Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.

This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and

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May 2, 2014

Clarkson: “Top Gear should be more like Pimp My Ride”

by philapilus

But he always seemed like such a fair-minded, thoughtful sort of chap

Jeremy Clarkson has defended his use of the N-word in un-aired Top Gear footage as “Part of my strategy to appeal to the more ‘streetwise’ youth demographic.”

Clarkson had initially denied using the word, but later admitted it and apologised, whilst insisting he had “done everything a human being could possibly do to avoid using it, short of ripping off my head and shitting down my own neck-hole.

“Seriously, it was physically and mentally impossible for me not to use the word, and I should not be judged for it now.”

But this morning, Clarkson again

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April 15, 2014

Clarkson and Titchmarsh to fight to the death

by philapilus

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of

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January 22, 2014

Homophobic Clarkson enlisted to tackle hydrophilic gays

by philapilus

“Quick everyone, on to the life-rafts; gayness floods are coming!”

Christians lucky enough to be unencumbered with high IQs have petitioned Jeremy Clarkson to visit Britain’s flooded areas, and “repel the waters like a modern day King Cnut”, after the presenter posted a homophobic image on twitter.

The photograph showed Clarkson sleeping in a plane, whilst a BBC employee held up a sign inscribed with the witty message ‘Gay Cunt’, next to the Top Gear presenter’s head.

“Jeremy is a true warrior for Christ.” said disgraced Ukip member David Silvester, (who thinks God sends floods to punish the UK for allowing gay marriage, and yet inexplicably thinks we should blame gays rather than, say, the deity who sends all the fucking water).

Silvester added “I believe Jeremy can

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January 7, 2014

New 60 mph speed limit ‘threat to humanity’

by unpseudable

Blah, blah, blah, fast cars, blah, blah, blah, cute little bunny, blah, blah, blah, finished it off with a tyre iron

Proposals for a 32 mile section of the M1 to be restricted to 60 mph have been hailed by drivers as a potential precursor to the coming apocalypse.  Whilst the move is ostensibly being put forward to tackle air pollution, some see it as the ushering in of a new satanic totalitarian state.

Nick Dobend, spokesperson for Driving Is Cool, Keep Speediness, said, “This is the thin end of the wedge, opening up the way for the government to take our homes and children, and – God forbid – our cars.  It’s yet another example of the nanny state meddling in people’s God-given right to drive as they wish.  We predict the collapse of western civilization by Thursday morning. 

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May 10, 2012

Controversial talk show host controversially causes controversy

by unpseudable

Due to the unpleasant subject of the article, here’s a picture of something far more appealing

Controversial television presenter Matthew Wright has once again courted controversy on his controversial talk show, The Wright Stuff. If you are unaware of this particular gem in British broadcast programming, this may be because it’s shown on Channel 5. And if you are unaware of Matthew Wright, well done.

Known for his thoughtful and sensitive handling of controversial issues, Wright controversially asked his viewers, just for fun, what they thought was the most offensive term to describe someone with learning difficulties. The options on offer being, “mong”, “spaz” and “retard”. This most recent controversy occurred during a debate about Rupert Murdoch’s controversial use of the word “retarded” in reference to David Cameron’s son.

Intellectual heavyweight and driver of shiny fast cars, Jeremy Clarkson responded: “What is the big deal? Oh, it’s just those PC Nazis stepping in, saying it’s ‘offensive’, and spoiling it for everyone, when it was all just a bit fun. I know someone in a wheelchair – God, no, he’s not disabled, it’s just a broken leg, he’ll be fine in a few weeks – he thought it was hilarious. See? And the fact that only 10 people complained is clear evidence that it’s not offensive at all. It’s certainly not down to the viewers of the show being total fucking idiots.  And there only being 8 of them.”

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