Posts tagged ‘Jeremy Clarkson twat’

December 31, 2015

2016 New Year’s Honours: Lynton Crosby knighted for services to Darkness

by philapilus

Crosby’s successful work on the Tory campaign has enabled Cameron and Osborne to continue their brilliant reign of plenty for another 5 years

Labour has complained vociferously at the news that Tory campaign manager Lynton Crosby is being knighted after orchestrating the resounding 2015 Conservative electoral victory.

Sir Crosby is receiving his honour for “Services to the Realm of Eternal Darkness”, in recognition of his essential work in establishing Cameron’s Second Reich.

But newly-minted Labour peer Baron Spencer Livermore argued that “peerages for those orchestrating political campaigns are an outrageous exercise in hypocritical cronyism.

“And you should listen to me because I’m a baron, even if my attempts to help Labour win the last election were unsuccessful…. um… is it just me, or

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March 12, 2015

Millions back Clarkson in campaign for ‘freedom of violence’

by philapilus

“I am saddened by this infringement of my human rights” said Jeremy

Across the world this week millions of people have signed a petition in support of Jeremy Clarkson’s crusade for the right to punch colleagues in the workplace.

Having been villified, censured and suspended by the BBC, simply for gently attacking a co-worker, Jeremy ‘Jesus’ Clarkson has become the spearhead of a movement which aims to protect core human rights.

This morning Mr Clarkson said “If we let them stop us from punching each other in the head today, then tomorrow they’ll be telling us not to use racial slurs, and

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April 15, 2014

Clarkson and Titchmarsh to fight to the death

by philapilus

In what promises to be the least interesting cagefight of all time, the smugly bland/blandly smug multi-platform merchandising whore and occasional gardener, Alan Titchmarsh, is to take on bloated masturbator and vroom-vroom fanatic Jeremy Clarkson.

Burying his last victim in front of cheering fans

Clarkson, who holds obnoxious opinions for money, called out the gardening fraternity for not attempting to sodomise cars up the exhaust pipe, saying “They think a hobby is something to spend time and effort on, whilst hugging plants like a big bunch of hippies.

“The only good use of your time is sitting back, switching on the TV, and watching me drive fast cars, with your hand stuck down the front of

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January 22, 2014

Homophobic Clarkson enlisted to tackle hydrophilic gays

by philapilus

“Quick everyone, on to the life-rafts; gayness floods are coming!”

Christians lucky enough to be unencumbered with high IQs have petitioned Jeremy Clarkson to visit Britain’s flooded areas, and “repel the waters like a modern day King Cnut”, after the presenter posted a homophobic image on twitter.

The photograph showed Clarkson sleeping in a plane, whilst a BBC employee held up a sign inscribed with the witty message ‘Gay Cunt’, next to the Top Gear presenter’s head.

“Jeremy is a true warrior for Christ.” said disgraced Ukip member David Silvester, (who thinks God sends floods to punish the UK for allowing gay marriage, and yet inexplicably thinks we should blame gays rather than, say, the deity who sends all the fucking water).

Silvester added “I believe Jeremy can

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