March 19, 2016
by articulatedsheep
Labour communications supremo Seumas Milne was reportedly “putting the finishing touches” to the party’s “week of action” on the abolition of the body that regulated wages for those in the agricultural sector, in the runup to Easter.
In a move likely to surprise commentators who might have expected the party to capitalise on the resignation of Iain Duncan Smith and open warfare in the Cabinet over Europe and cuts and disability benefits, Milne reportedly considers that there is “more long term traction” in a detailed dissection of the Government’s policies relating to the rural economy.
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Posted in Employment, Europe, Politics, Satire, Society, UK |
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August 19, 2015
by philapilus
Jesus wept, what a useless bag of smeg
After being caught out using made-up claimants for a benefits sanctions information leaflet, the Department for Work and Pensions has this morning admitted that the vast majority of the benefits bill is actually being sunk in to non-existent claimants invented by the marketing department.
The DWP secretary Iain Duncan Smith said “I do have to admit this does sort of seem to go against the narrative of ‘benefits cheats bankrupting the country’ that I have spent the last five years banging on about.
“I’m not going to make any
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Posted in Economy, Politics, Satire, Society |
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May 11, 2015
by philapilus
Eric Pickles will be the new moon
As David Cameron continues to form his new cabinet, we bring you the lowdown on the ministers already appointed:
Prime Minister: Boris Johnson
In a surprise move, David Cameron has decided to make Johnson the head of his new government, though the role will only apply during the night-time when no one is looking. Boris will also take over David’s marital obligations to Samantha
Home Secretary: Michael Gove/Theresa May
The new government’s first cabinet meeting will feature a bloody death-match between these two ministers, who have each demanded the opportunity to stick and disembowel the other like a squealing pig. The victor will
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May 11, 2015
by philapilus
New policies
David Cameron has announced that his new Conservative majority government will bring in a series of measures “designed to showcase the hideous bastard that lies within our collective soul”.
The prime minister said this morning “I had a great chat with the Queen on Friday, despite the fact we were both massively hungover from all the celebrating.
“I informed Her Majesty that I was going to be scrapping the Human Rights Act, bringing back fox hunting, ratcheting up austerity, clamping down on
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February 10, 2015
by philapilus
He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole
A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.
Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.
“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to
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October 31, 2014
by philapilus
A super-tax on pumpkins will fund extra police presence tonight, to keep the UK’s children cowed and under curfew.
The government has warned that any0ne on benefits caught giving out free sweets to trick-or-treaters tonight will face an immediate withdrawal of all state aid, and possible prosecution.
The Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, said “This is not about punishing generosity, or interfering with fun traditions.
“But in order to maintain an honest and just society where hard work is rewarded, we will be stripping all benefit from those who give away valuable commodities whilst simultaneously demanding that the state support their
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Posted in Economy, History, Religion, Satire, Society, UK |
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September 22, 2014
by philapilus
In 2012 one of the planes accidentally killed a standful of veterans at a memorial airshow, an action welcomed by Iain Duncan Smith’s DWP.
Tragedy struck during an RAF flypast yesterday, when the last two remaining World War Two Avro Lancasters accidentally bombed and obliterated Derwent Dam.
An excited crowd of enthusiasts and spectators had assembled at the dam – the practise site for the famous ‘Dambusters’ raid – all of whom were drowned when the planes unleashed a massive payload of bouncing bombs.
Wing Commander Sir Leslie Fanshawe Haines-Haines, the RAF liaison for all commemorative displays and historical re-enactmants, said “Bloody bad luck, what? No idea the bloody bombs were still on the bally planes!
“Shame about
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Posted in Defence, History, International, Satire, War |
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January 10, 2014
by philapilus
Nick Clegg has been sent on a tour of the country to apologise for everything to every single member of the population individually
The government has announced that all legislation and policy decisions will now automatically be accompanied by a formal statement accepting that they are completely wrong, and apologising in advance for all the damage they will cause.
The news came after it emerged today that Royal Mail shares are still worth way more than the government sold them for 3 months ago, and that simultaneously Iain Duncan Smith’s universally loathed ‘spare bedroom tax’ has already been a complete farce.
A government spokesperson said “Potentially around 40,000 people seem to have lost benefits who shouldn’t have, and Royal Mail shares are worth closer to six quid than the three and a bit quid we sold them for.
“We’ve been trying to make out it’s ok, but it isn’t, it’s all a complete
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December 13, 2013
by philapilus
Shown here retaking O-level Maths for the 47th time, it is believed that Duncan Smith (who lied about having studied at the University of Perugia) thinks exams are the worst fate anyone can suffer
From today all EU migrants wanting to come to the UK will have to answer 100 questions written by Iain Duncan Smith, and then allow him to spit in their mouths, before they can claim benefits.
A spokesperson for the Department of Work and Pensions said “Immigration is a huge worry for us. We’ve all been basically running around the office, waving our hands in the air and screaming constantly, for about ten months now.
“Most mornings when I’ve taken the Minister his coffee, I’ve found him sitting under his desk, gently rocking backwards and forwards, muttering ‘Bulgarians, Romanians, millions of them…millions of
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Posted in Economy, Europe, Immigration, International, Politics, Satire, Society |
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July 15, 2013
by philapilus
It should have been obvious to anyone this was just a clown in a grotesque mask having a laugh
This morning David Cameron’s credibility suffered another blow, after it transpired that his Work and Pensions Secretary is not real.
Commenting on the benefits cap being unrolled today, the Prime Minister tweeted Duncan Smith’s on Twitter, only to discover that it was in fact a parody account he had tweeted.
But worse was to follow, as Cameron’s staff tried to find the DWP minister to see what was going on, and discovered that not only was he not in his office, but, technically speaking, he does not exist.
Percy Spoke, spokesperson for
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