Posts tagged ‘humour’

December 31, 2016

2016 to be extended

by philapilus

F*ck off, 2016

In a cruel turn of events officials have announced that the much-loathed 2016 is going to have extra time tacked on at the end.

An extra second will be added at midnight before the official change to 2017, meaning clocks will read 23:59:60. This has already led to general panic, because 2016 has been such an unmitigated shitstorm that it is widely felt even one extra second could cause maximum carnage.

Professor Hamish McEyebray of the Slough School of Seconds said “We’re

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January 15, 2013

Germany’s sense of humour finally found

by philapilus
Adolf Hitler in Yugoslavia.

He saw himself as Germany’s answer to Charlie Chaplin

After years of suffering the indignity of being internationally mocked for their inability to be funny, po-faced Germans have today discovered where their sense of humour has been hiding all this time.

Scientists claim that the 26-year old student who mooned a group of Hell’s Angels, threw a puppy at them, and then escaped incredibly slowly on a bulldozer, was clearly imbued with the entire condensed funniness of the last seven generations of the Germanic peoples.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Humour and Dog-hurling, said “Ordinarily, a nation’s funniness is spread more or less evenly across a population, and throughout the generations.

“What has happened here is that all

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March 6, 2012

Tory and Lib Dem relationship “going just fine, thanks” says Cable

by philapilus
Deutsch: Logo von Liberal Democrats

Cable found this in the bin this morning, and said "oh that old thing. No, we agreed we didn't need it anymore...". Then he ran from the room, sobbing.

Vince Cable answered the door to worried neighbours yesterday and said that everything was great, there were no problems, and that all the crashing and shouting they had heard was “probably just the TV”.

Cable had a black eye which he insisted was from walking into the coffee table, and he said there was no need for anyone to come in, that he had the Tories’ food on the hob and he had better go, thanks so much for calling and speak soon.

A worried neighbour told reporters “The Lib Dems and the Tories seem like a lovely couple on the outside, but, well, we’ve all wondered what’s really going on. The rows are very loud, and getting worse.”

Cable let it be known this morning that the fact that the Tories want to scrap the 50p tax rate for high earners was absolutely fine, and not something the Lib Dems minded about at all. He said he definitely felt he was being listened to, because when he meekly suggested that maybe people with massive houses might be able to pay a teensy bit more council tax or something, Cameron had looked very thoughtful.

“Unless he was just concentrating on the TV…”

Boris Johnson, who is inexplicably Mayor of London, said “Well…um, this is quite…you know. This is all a bit, well it’s a bit ‘silly buggers’-ish. A chap could end up paying a lot of dosh if we are…ah…going to start worrying about whether someone has a bit of a bigger house, and small-fry stuff like that.  So I want to….er, you know; I, I, what was I going to say? Ah yes, we should just stop – should jolly well stop bashing chaps, and just, you know, sort of get on with…with it.”

Johnson was just one of the many Tories who pointed out how unfair it would be if people were punished for amassing wealth by having to give some of it back, as if we were back in the practically medieval days of having to pay those – those whatdoyoucallits? Taxes, was it? Something old-fashioned like that.

When informed of the backlash, Cable’s lower lip trembled for a minute, but then he rallied and said “Oh, really? Well no problem there, no problem at all. Wasn’t a very good idea anyway. Certainly not something we’d even really had a chance to talk about. I mean, we mentioned it in bed the other night, but the Tories had had a tough day, and probably didn’t take it all in.”

Tears shone in the Business Secretary’s eyes as he added “They’re right really. Houses worth more than two million are very commonplace nowadays.

“We’ll definitely come up with something very soon though, to help people, and achieve our joint dreams of a…a better, fairer society.”

He stifled a sob, “And I will tell you what it is as soon as the Tories tell me what we’ve decided.