Posts tagged ‘House of Lords’

February 21, 2017

Theresa May visits Lords with baseball bat

by philapilus

Theresa ‘Negan’ May

Theresa May made the highly unusual move of sitting in the House of Lords yesterday to observe the debate over the Brexit bill.

According to one Lord, “The prime minister entered the room, cracked her knuckles and then ostentatiously unwrapped a long silk package containing a baseball bat.

“As the

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January 31, 2016

Lord Farmer leads campaign to save British peers

by philapilus

It wouldn’t be such a problem if the Lords and Ladies didn’t have such a restricted diet, but unfortunately the only way they can survive is if you stuff hundreds and hundreds of these into their mouths

Senior treasurer of the Conservative party, Baron Michael Farmer, has unveiled a new campaign to save  endangered British peers, after his research revealed that the breed is almost extinct.

Lord Farmer said “I want to draw the nation’s attention to an extremely urgent issue; the paucity of the habitat for lords and ladies, many of whom are going so hungry that they may migrate from London for good.

“If the public knew that the only sustenance available to these noble creatures is a measly £300 per day, I think you would see a real outcry. I mean, for one of the aristocracy £300 is nothing; barely the equivalent of half a Mars Bar to the average Jocelyn on the street. No wonder the

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June 5, 2013

Gay marriage proposals dropped forever

by philapilus
Deutsch: Christoph Hopfengärtner, Meisterstück...

“I’m not knocking the bum-bandits and quim-sniffers, heavens no; it’s just that they’re more suited to liking furniture than getting married. That should be obvious to anyone.”

A resounding victory for the anti-gay marriage lobby was scored today, when Baronness Knight clinched the argument over equal marriage rights, on the BBC Radio 5 Live Breakfast Show.

The Baronness definitively destroyed the gay marriage bill with a single, philosophically irrefutable argument, when she explained that “You see, what gay people are for, is being great at things like knowing lots about antiques.

“Splendid people, lovely. I mean, some of my best friends, and

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May 15, 2012

Queen to be replaced by waxwork

by philapilus
The wanker gesture - fingers and thumb in circ...

The Royal Wave broken down to its constituent parts in a double exposure photograph.

Following the Queen’s lacklustre performance in the House of Lords last week, it has emerged that her majesty is “Fucking sick of the whole monarchy thing”, and actively investigating a way “to avoid all future engagements. Unless they involve pie.”

According to sources at Buckingham Palace, HRH Elizabeth II has decided to requisition the waxwork that the Madame Tussauds team recently spent four months making, and whenever there is not any pie at an event, the waxwork will appear in her stead.

“Of course, when we heard about this, we were thrilled.” said Rick Head, who has specialised in doing wax bottoms, toenails and nostrils for Tussauds since 1983.

“The first thing we asked ourselves was how to achieve completely realistic movement and speech, to perfect the simulacra, so that it could perform the duties of her Royal Highness, without anyone knowing it was a model.

“Imagine our surprise when the Queen’s secretary informed us that none of that would be necessary. What she wanted, according to him, was just a plain waxwork, preferably with an incredibly bored look on its face, and maybe surreptitiously making a wanker sign with her right hand.”

Buckingham palace has not officially confirmed this aspect of the story, but a leaked memo in the queen’s own hand reads “We don’t even care if it doesn’t look much like us. The shoddier the better, really. We want everything about its very presence to show people that we couldn’t give a squirrel-sized shit about what they think.”

The sentence had an asterisk, and at the bottom of the page her Majesty had written “(a shit the size of a squirrel’s shit, that is; not a shit the size of a squirrel – which would actually be quite big, by our usual standards. We are not the Duke of Edinburgh you know.)”

The Queen’s plan to show utter disinterest for her people with the wax replacement has inspired other members of the royal family to avoid doing any work, with William and Kate proposing to send sex dolls to engagements in their stead.

These will be carted around on a sackbarrow, accompanied by a digital-recording of mooing cows.

Harry will continue to be replaced in his public appearances by the ginger twat who has been standing in for him since childhood.

Quentin Letts, an obnoxious and dangerously insane journalist, whose parents named him as an anagram of ‘Queen TNT slit’, said “I was profoundly affected by this gorgeous waxwork. My patriotic little fellow stood proudly to attention, and as I gazed at each lovingly recreated mole-hair and pimple, my emotions shifted from awe to passionate ardour, and I experienced profound jouissance.”

He sighed happily “I don’t mind admitting that I came all in my longjohns.”

The waxwork is expected to stand in for Her Majesty at all engagements after July 2012, and will also be placed in the royal bed next to Prince Philip at night.

According to the Queen’s memo “That old bugger can see to his own Johnson in bed from now on.

“Unless he brings us pie.”