Posts tagged ‘Hollywood’

July 17, 2017

Martin Landau surprisingly reanimated

by unpseudable

After being saddened by his death, the world of Hollywood was this week stunned by renowned actor Martin Landau apparently coming back to life.

Landau

Landau earlier today

“It obviously wasn’t the uncommon reanimation that shocked me,” said recently deceased film critic Barry Norman. “I mean, I’ve seen that in literally thousands of films. No, it was more the irony that it was Landau who rose from the grave rather than legendary zombie movie director George Romero.”

Romero, who also sadly passed away this week, stubbornly refused to come back to life. “I just don’t see the point,” he is reported to have said,

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June 15, 2016

Complete Arts on film

by unpseudable

In this new feature, TMB’s Complete Arts sheds light on some of cinema’s most vexing vagaries

 

If only all films could be as clearly marketed as Scary Movie – indeed, a truly chilling film.

Surely Rain Man was going to be a superhero movie, for example; Ring a romantic comedy. Apparently not.

When a film fails to deliver on the promise of its title, the viewer is left floundering in confusion and unfulfilled anticipation.

And so, as a sober warning to our reader, TMB offers a top five of the most disappointingly perplexing films…

 

  1. American History X

A powerhouse performance by Edward Norton

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June 6, 2013

Seagal to be large, puffy face of Russian arms manufacturer

by philapilus
Steven Seagal

Steven performing with his band, ‘Who Ate All The Pies?’

The Hollywood actor Steven Seagal has agreed to become the business envoy of a Russian arms firm, it was confirmed this morning.

Seagal, the star of a large number of low-budget martial arts films, which have been watched by dozens – if not scores – of erudite and discerning fans, was apparently delighted to be approached by Kovrov weapons.

Seagal has gradually become more associated with firearms, and less with athletic karate moves, as his career developed, due to a slight weight-gain problem. His scenes now tend to

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May 14, 2013

Men in moral/horny quandary over Jolie’s mastectomy

by philapilus
Angelina Jolie at the premiere of Alexander in...

“What are we meant to fantasise about now?!” said men everywhere “Do we just focus on her big, pouting, luscious lips and… actually, don’t worry, that’ll do fine.”

The news that Hollywood star Angelina Jolie has had a double mastectomy to reduce her very high risk of breast cancer, has caused men across Britain to feel very confused.

John Thomas, a self-described ‘Jolie-fanatic and then some’, said “I got up, switched on the news, and there was Angelina talking about boobs. Naturally, I grabbed the box of tissues and Assumed The Position on the couch.

“But then it turns out she was talking about the likelihood of getting breast cancer, and it

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March 11, 2013

Agony Auntie’s Knee: with Chris Brown

by philapilus
Chris Brown

This is his ‘thinking face’. It is usually followed by him falling over.

TMB offers you the opportunity to sit down on the knee of our regular agony aunt, the wonderful Chris Brown, and share your problems.

This week, Tony from Balham says:

Dear Chris

When my wife of 44 years

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January 14, 2013

Julie Burchill: Diary

by philapilus
Flat cap

From this January onwards only Julie will be allowed to wear a flat cap or own a whippet

Monday 14th Jan

Out drinking champagne last night, obviously. Eating caviar too. I deserve it; it’s me. All that stick fom the trannies got me randy for some indulgence, but I looked at myself in the mirror and thought “Do I deserve this? Of course I bloody do!”

So, I see Jodie Foster has come out. Big moviestar lesbian. Big deal. Fucking dyke Hollywood-whore. Has no idea what it’s like to be a working class woman who’s made it, a mother brave enough to walk out on her kids, struggling to live within society’s norms, but obviously being normal enough not to be some bonkers chick-with-a-dick, or a

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July 13, 2012

Joke religion to broadcast bollocks

by unpseudable

The man without whom there would be no Battlefield Earth. Just think about that.

As if existing and having famous members wasn’t enough, the Church of Scientology now plans to launch a TV station.

Scientology spokeswoman, Karen Pouw, said, “The Church (that’s right, I said “Church”) plans to establish a central media hub for our growing world network of churches, and to move into religious television and radio broadcasting in our continued scheme to take over the world.  Err… I mean, spread the important message about Thetans and all that shit.”

Experts suggest that it could be similar to the Christian Broadcasting Network run by Pat Robertson.  Only scarier.  “Imagine really good looking people talking for hours about unremitting bollocks, interspersed with the film Battlefield Earth, then you’ve pretty much got it,” said Rick Ross, cult expert.  “Hollywood’s the obvious place for them to be.  I mean, it is the home of entertainment.  Besides which, there are more blithering idiots per square mile there than anywhere else in the world.  But of course, by broadcasting such irredeemable balls they can reach all the other blithering idiots everywhere.  It’s terrifying.

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April 17, 2012

Mel Gibson in just possibly non-anti-Semitic shock

by unpseudable

*Please see the caption in the previous article

It emerged this week that Mel Gibson may have actually made a decision based on fair-minded rationality rather than raving anti-Semitic idiocy.

A film based on the life of Judah Maccabee, revered as a great warrior of Jewish history, was put on hold by Gibson, as he claimed the screenplay by one Joe Eszterhas “lacked a sense of triumph”.

Despite claims to the contrary in an expletive-filled letter from buffoon screenwriter Eszterhas, Gibson claimed that he didn’t want to make the film based on Eszterhas’ script due to it being “substandard”. Ezsterhas in his thoughtful missive asserted that it was due to Gibson’s alleged rabid disdain for the Jewish people.

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