Posts tagged ‘History’

December 6, 2013

Obituary: Nelson Mandela, by George Galloway

by philapilus
George Galloway

‘It’s not all about me, you know’

English: Nelson Mandela in Johannesburg, Gaute...

RIP

Like everyone else I was shocked and saddened this morning to learn of the death of Nelson Mandela, a man whom I can honestly say I admired almost as much as he admired me.

The passing of a titan from the world’s stage leaves us all the poorer, especially those of us titans remaining, and I want to take a moment to reflect on Mandela’s amazing life and incredible achievements.

“A man whose entire being was devoted to struggling for fairness and equality, a man who suffered for others, and bore his suffering in silence, a man who has fought and lived – whilst being willing to die – for an ideal” was how Nelson described me, in what

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October 21, 2013

Everything now brilliant in Syria

by philapilus
A basic gel fragrance air freshener.

It still smells a bit chemical-weapony in places, so the Foreign Office is advising British holidaymakers to take their own air fresheners. Otherwise it’s basically fine.

Everything in Syria has calmed right down, and everyone is very much going about their daily business with a contented smile, according to a new report published today.

The United Nations-commissioned report confirms that, by a bizarre coincidence, as soon as the world’s media stopped paying attention to things in Syria, the country’s civil war petered out, and hostilities gave way to ‘a general atmosphere of peace and love, sort of a bit like Woodstock, except nationwide, and without all the embarrassingly trite hippy sentiment’.

Author of the report, Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Stuff That Doesn’t Stop When You Switch Off The Telly, said “It’s odd, but ever since

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August 23, 2013

Daily Telegraph wins top toadying award

by philapilus

 

Steven Seagal at the Pollstar Awards in Februa...

Cameron is nearly this cool

The Daily Telegraph newspaper has this morning thrashed all the competition to take the prestigious ‘Arselicker of the Year’ press award.

The Torygraph, despite numerous entries from papers across the political spectrum, clinched the award at the last minute with today’s article showcasing beach-based snaps of David Cameron.

The article suggests readers listen to ‘Land of Hope and Glory’ whilst ogling the photos of a barechested Cameron striding manfully across England’s fair sands, enjoying a

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March 7, 2013

Fun-loving Italians are still laughing

by philapilus
Italiano: Silvio Berlusconi in Giappone.

To be fair, it is fucking hilarious

Italy has reasserted its image as the happy-go-lucky, carefree man of Europe this morning, showing that despite its massive economic and political bankruptcy, it can still lark about with the best of them.

The judiciary (which in any other country would just be a bunch of stuffy old killjoys), made a fantastic joke that had people rolling in the piazzas all over the country, when they announced they were sentencing Berlusconi to one year in jail.

Minister for Humour, Mario Fratelli, said “Mamma mia! What a

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June 25, 2012

English men are inexplicably down in the dumps

by philapilus
English: Plastic pizza saver - used to keep th...

If your job involves the use of these, then for God’s sake don’t go in today; barricade your doors, and stay under the covers till at least mid-week.

This morning women all over the country reported noticing that men seemed really quite miserable, and that most had a misanthropic, murderous scowl on their faces that was worse than the usual one.

Despite the fact that the sun was shining over most of the country, the male mood was a worrying seventy per cent lower than usual, according to figures which are impossible to check.

An astonishingly large proportion of the bit of the country’s population whose genitals dangle, turned up for work this morning wearing badges that read ‘If you talk to me, I will kill you’.

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April 27, 2012

“Please please me like you used to” say Egyptian female corpses

by philapilus
Mummy of Queen Ahmose Inhapy

Phwooaarrrrr! Be honest; who wouldn't hit that?!

Egypt may be on the cusp of passing a revolutionary piece of legislation, dealing with a thorny area of morality no government has yet dared contemplate.

As the twentieth and twenty-first centuries have brought the world ever closer to full-scale zombie apocalypse, all kinds of new codes of ethics have had to be considered: when is it ok to shoot a toddler in the face? How many times do you have to repeat your father’s name with tears in your eyes before you decapitate him with your ornamental coal-shovel? When you flee the city, is it ever ok to leave behind your annoying son, the one you pretend to love as much as your daughter, (but who really just pisses you off, and drove you to have a vasectomy)?

But so far only Egypt has tried to develop a humane, enlightened policy to consider how Z-day will affect the issue of that strongest demonstration of love and affection; sex.

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