Posts tagged ‘hell in a handcart’

September 19, 2013

Assad “will dispose of chemical weapons”

by articulatedsheep

President Bashar al-Assad of Syria has announced his plans to dispose of his country’s arsenal of chemical weapons by releasing them over a variety of densely-populated urban areas.

Hang on a second... how can he be a baddie, if he's clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Hang on a second… how can he be a baddie, if he’s clean shaven and wearing a tie?

Speaking to reporters yesterday, a Syrian Government spokesman said, “It is the will of the international community that we safely put beyond use our chemical weapons stockpiles.”

“And what better way to put them beyond use than actually using them to exterminate our opponents? Really, it’s killing two birds with one stone. Well, when I say “one stone” what I actually mean is “deadly cloud of noxious gas””.

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March 28, 2012

Government issues entirely proportionate advice on fuel shortages

by articulatedsheep

Draw close, dear friends, and hear tell of the bygone age when petrol was but £1.10 a litre

The Government has defended itself against charges that advice it has given to motorists in advance of expected fuel shortages is “scaremongering”.

The Unite union has announced, following a successful strike ballot, 90% of Britain’s oil tanker drivers will shortly be going on strike. No date for the stoppage has been announced, and there is no indication of how long it might last.

Government guidance, which will be wrapped around bricks and personally thrown through the front window of every home in the country, is titled, “This shit is going to make ‘The Road’ look like a fucking picnic”.

The guidance suggests that concerned drivers should immediately “kill everyone they love” because the post-fuel shortage world will be “viciously brutal – a landscape more depraved and horrendous than a Japanese prisoner of war camp in the ninth circle of Hell. On fire.”,  and that “the sweet release of death will be a kindness compared to the inferno of savagery that will soon sweep over the carbonised corpse of what we once knew as Britain”.

The guidance further suggests that people form themselves into baying mobs to grab what foodstuffs still remain on shop shelves, “before it’s all too late”.

The guidance concludes with the words, “And may God have mercy on our miserable souls.”

Shoving a blonde, blue-eyed toddler to the ground in a frantic dash to get to the one petrol station in London where prices are still lower than 144.9ppl, the Prime Minister said, “This is it. The balloon’s gone up.”

“Make no mistake – as the direct result of a couple of thousand people going on strike for a few days, our civilisation will quickly descend into outright, inhumane barbarism.”

“Anthropophagy, the sacrifice of innocents to the all-powerful ‘oil god’, desperate bargains being done with the Great Humungous in return for safe passage through the wasteland. All these things – currently, in modern Britain, confined to small areas of Humberside – will be par for the course across the nation.”

The National Association of Petrol Retailers said, “We are currently retrofitting all forecourts in the country with machine gun nests to protect our members from the hordes. We did ask for the army to man them, but they said something about being all tied up in the next couple of weeks driving tankers.”

At the time of going to press, Ed Miliband, apparently Leader of the Opposition, had come out either angrily against the strike action, or guardedly in favour. Or both. Or neither. It’s difficult to say.

Meanwhile, George Osborne, chairing a meeting of the shadowy Bilberberg Group in the depths of the secret Nazi moonbase, said, “Gentlemen, the final piece is in place. Operation ‘Endgame’ is ready to be implemented.”

March 10, 2012

Cameron: “national inferno is right for Britain”

by articulatedsheep

The Prime Minister has today rounded on critics of his controversial plan to set fire to the entire country.

“Let me be frank,” he said, speaking to reporters on a special visit to Cardiff to urinate on a statue of Nye Bevin. “setting the country alight is the right thing to do. There is significant public support for this action, and I plan to see it through.”

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March 1, 2012

Shapps: “I am an egregious twat”

by articulatedsheep

Grant Shapps used an appearance on this morning’s Today programme to remind the nation that he is an odious, egregious wanker with no concept of even the most basic principles of morality.

Announcing that the Government’s localism policy was in fact the exact feeble tissue of dissembling falsehood that everyone thought, Shapps used his appearance to explain a number of other ways in which every local authority in the country was now his bitch.

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February 22, 2012

1950s midwives more interesting than benefit reform

by articulatedsheep

A survey conducted for TMB has revealed that more people are interested in the fictionalised lives of midwives 60 years ago than in imminent reforms that will see the reintroduction of workhouses, the forced sterilization of anyone earning less than £21,000 per year and the forced removal of crusties and ne’er-do-wells to large prison camps located well away from main centres of population.

The report also shows that people are more interested in following the progress of a tentative love affair between Miranda Hart and a shy policeman than they are in the spiraling cycle of poverty and misery besetting the people who live two doors down from them.

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February 4, 2012

Bashful Russia and China: “We’re not really in a position to judge”

by articulatedsheep

The shamefaced leaders of Russia and China have admitted that, when it comes to political repression and gunning down your own unarmed civilians, they “can’t really lecture anyone about it without looking a bit hypocritical”.

The two nations have taken the unprecedented step of explaining the thought processes behind their decisions to veto an UN security council motion decrying the machine-gunning of defenceless people and the bombing of their homes into oblivion – the kind of motion that most normal people would probably have no real problem with.

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January 31, 2012

Meaningless gesture solves problem

by articulatedsheep

Experts have declared that the annulment of Fred Goodwin’s knighthood means that the global economy has been put back on the path to certain, permanent recovery.

The move – widely praised by the markets – has resulted in united praise for tough, no-nonsense David Cameron, further confirming his reputation as the kind of man who takes the political road less travelled rather than the easy, populist option.

Apparently it is extremely satirical, clever and amusing to call him "Gideon"

Reacting to the news, the FTSE index of 100 leading shares rose by almost 57%, with the Dow rising a more modest, but still impressive, 34%.

Major financial institutions took the opportunity to announce that they had now seen the error of their ways, and were prepared to pay back every penny of the billions of pounds they have borrowed from our government by next Friday “at the very latest”.

“I think that we can all agree,” said an extremely moist Ed Miliband, “that this tough action was exactly what was required. Let’s not forget – this whole mess was caused by Fred “The Shred” and his cabal of evil, greedy bankers. It certainly wasn’t anything to do with successive Governments, starting in the 80s, rolling over onto their backs for the City and creating regulatory regimes that were woefully unfit for purpose.”

“And it certainly wasn’t anything to do with the idiotic and essentially unworkable ‘tripartite’ system of financial regulation set up by Gordon Brown in 1997 which – lest we forget – was co-designed and implemented by none other than my good friend the shadow chancellor, Ed Balls.”

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January 31, 2012

Six month old news about bread is “most read” article on BBC News website

by articulatedsheep

In what is understood to be news harbouring the breaking of the sixth seal, an article about bread nomenclature on the BBC News website – which relates to an incident that occurred more than six months ago – is perceived as the most important, relevant and interesting thing to British users of that website, who presumably number in their tens of millions.

The article received significantly more page views than news about a UN

That's neat, that's neat, that's neat, that's neat, I love your tiger feet

debate on the response to a vicious Government crackdown on rebel-controlled areas of Damascus, the death of dozens of people in central and eastern Europe as temperatures plunged below freezing, the sinking of a ship in Turkey with the suspected loss of ten lives and a weird story about a “self-steering bullet”.

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January 27, 2012

“Rights, schmights”, says Cameron

by articulatedsheep

David Cameron yesterday suggested that the concept of human rights is being distorted and denigrated by the European body whose exclusive raison d’etre is not to distort and denigrate human rights.

 

Judges

"For one thing, there aren't nearly enough judges"

“I’ve had about enough of this ‘human rights’ business,” said the Prime Minister, speaking to a roomful of nakedly hostile Eurocrats. “Time was when you could take a Mick around the back of a high wall and pop a couple of bullets in his head with his own Armalite rifle. Bish bosh, no problem at all.”

 

“Now, apparently there’s this thing called Article 6, which guarantees everyone – even darkie terrorists who are patently guilty – a fair trial. In front of an actual jury! The whole thing is an outrage.”

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January 22, 2012

Pickles: councillors under “moral duty” to top themselves

by articulatedsheep

Communities and Local Government Secretary Eric Pickles has lambasted councillors who have refused to put themselves out of their misery, in a round of interviews on TV and radio.

What, really?

Bizarrely, this is what comes up when you type "councillor photo" in Google

Speaking to Huey Morgan on BBC 6 Music, Pickles said, “I have made a very generous offer to every councillor in the country of a length of rope and an instruction leaflet on how to tie a noose.”

“I am surprised and disappointed that a handful of elected members are choosing not to take advantage of this.”

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