Posts tagged ‘Grant Shapps’

November 30, 2015

Grant Shapps “definitely not fed into woodchipper”, says PM

by philapilus
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b1/Europe_Chippers_1.jpg/640px-Europe_Chippers_1.jpg

What, this old thing? No we just keep that for…um…in case a large tree blocks the road.

Number 10 have robustly denied allegations that senior tories were seen pushing the body of former government minister Grant Shapps through a woodchipper.

A statement this morning said that “No one would dream of pulping his bloodied remains onto a large tarpaulin which could then be emptied over a fast-flowing section of the Thames.

“All allegations to the contrary are completely unfounded, and Shapps is definitely alive and well. Look, here’s a note he wrote, it says ‘Hi everyone, I’m totally fine, best

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April 1, 2015

Tories say ‘votes of 100 bosses are the only ones that matter’

by philapilus

British money has not been given the vote yet

The Conservative party expressed its delight this morning, after a supposedly unsolicited letter signed by 100 business leaders backed Cameron for a second term.

Grant Shapps, party chairman, said “The rest of the electorate can fuck off now. These people are richer, cleverer and more important than all of you. With their votes, it’s in the bag.

“Fuck off Britain. Your leaders have spoken.”

Businessman Mike Ock said

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March 30, 2015

Katie Hopkins joins Labour campaign with pledge to leave UK

by philapilus

Hopkins is the only female journalist whose existence was prophesied in the Book of Revelation: “Yea, and forth shall come a right bitch who will be unto you as a shard of broken glass through thine eyeballs, and a grating noise of horror in thine ears. And ye shall despair.”

Official Mouthpiece of Satan, Katie Hopkins, has unexpectedly joined forces with Ed Miliband, promising the UK that she will “fuck off forever and leave you all alone, if you promise to vote for Labour”.

Taking to Twitter, the professional harridan said “I guarantee that if Ed becomes PM I will leave this country and never come back. I might even get a surgeon to fuse my jaws together and cut off my typing finger, if you’re lucky.”

Labour spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “When Katie’s agent told us she

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February 10, 2015

Conservative auction offers fox-hunting, polo and peasant-throttling

by philapilus

He just opens his articulated jaw like a snake and then swallows the cow whole

A Conservative party fundraiser has helped swell the election campaign coffers, with a range of auction lots offering bidders the opportunity to spend time with senior tory figures, engaging in their everyday activities.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “It really was a brilliant and very worthwhile event, with bidders going up against each other for the chance to chillax with some of our brightest stars.

“Whether it was fox-hunting with William Hague, strangling commoners with Theresa May, or setting fire to

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November 7, 2014

Absolutely no one challenging Miliband for ‘unwanted’ leadership

by philapilus

Gold-plated job security: when literally everyone else would rather die than take over from you

Labour rebels denied attempts to overthrow Ed Miliband today, adding that no matter how dissatisfied they were with him, they couldn’t find a single person willing to take over and lead the Labour party into catastrophic general election defeat next year.

Rebel Wedge Antilles, MP for Little Chittface in Hampshire, said “Well, there has been a fair bit of sniping about Ed behind his back. There’s been clandestine meetings where everyone is trying to make out that they’re planning leadership challenges, and so forth, mostly out of bravado.

“But actually we haven’t found a single person who will go through with it and usurp Ed’s place. It’s a shit job, and

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September 29, 2014

Boris lambastes “Tory nutters for joining Ukip nutters”

by philapilus

The very Reckless Mr Mark Stupid MP

In the run-up to his headline performance at this year’s Conservative Party conference, Boris Johnson has attacked Tory defectors for being “Nuts. But, er…not in, you know, the good way.”

The rockstar-politician and occasional Mayor of London said that traitors Douglas Carswell and Mark Reckless “Should be, well, should probably

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September 23, 2014

Miliband: “I can fix Britain by 2025, if you all just go away and count to a billion”

by philapilus

“Keep your eyes shut… no peeking, or you’ll spoil it!”

Ed Miliband wowed the Labour conference today, with a closing speech ambitiously pledging to fix absolutely everything in the UK in 10 years – provided everyone just goes away until he’s finished.

The leader of the opposition told party members “This is NOT another slogan. ‘Britain 2025’ is a real, tangible thing.

“I PROMISE you, hand on heart, that if elected I will definitely fix this broken country in a decade. Only thing is, it’s sort of like a magic trick; I have to do it secretly. If you’re all watching and scrutinising me, it won’t work. Kind of like

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April 7, 2014

“She has my complete support” PM backs Maria Miller’s application to Dignitas

by philapilus

David Cameron today leaped to the defence of his embattled Culture Secretary, calling her critics “circling vultures”, and demanding that “we all just forget about the expenses thing now, stop searching for scapegoats, and let her get on with the important work of falling on her own sword.”

Might as well use up the stationery whilst you still can

Mr Cameron said “I have absolutely no intention to sack Maria, she is an excellent minister and MP, and I reject all calls for her to resign. Let me make myself clear; I will not bow to pressure, and she will remain in my cabinet right up until her plane leaves for Zurich.”

Maria Miller, who got into trouble claiming

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December 23, 2013

Cameron: ‘If I’m like Enoch, then Vince Cable is Mussolini’

by philapilus
English: Nick Clegg and Vince Cable

Vince and Nick “or Benito and Adolf, as I like to call ’em!” sneered Shapps

Senior tories have rounded on Vince Cable, after the Business Secretary suggested current immigration concerns are slightly reminiscent of earlier panics, such as the one which precipitated Enoch Powell’s infamous ‘Rivers of Blood’ speech.

Conservative chairman Grant Shapps said Cable was “Like an uppity house negro who’s powdered his face and thinks he can ‘strut wid’ de masser'”, while Nigel Mills, MP for Amber Valley, called Cable “a demented hellspawn, who should be hung from the gallows after such base treachery on a TV programme.”

The prime minister, who was told by the chairman that Cable had definitively called him “The dog-sodomising offspring of Thatcher and Enoch Powell” reportedly told Shapps to

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November 14, 2013

Tories ‘said nothing’ between 2000 and 2010

by philapilus
Penn_Way_opening

“YOU know I’m not a total wanker, don’t you?”

The Conservative central office announced today that it had expunged its entire archive of speeches and press releases for the first decade of the century, because there really hadn’t been anything worth keeping in it.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “We looked through it, and basically we have just been saying exactly the same thing for years.

“We haven’t changed our policies one iota, and we haven’t said a thing that we’re not saying today, so there was no need for the archive. You can just listen to what we are

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