Posts tagged ‘gold medal’

August 8, 2016

China invades Australia over swimming ‘slur’

by philapilus

Sun waving to his fans before climbing into his tank and bombing the shit out of Uluru

The mighty Chinese military machine has launched an all-out assault on Australia, after Australian swimmer Mack Horton called defending champion Sun Yang a drugs cheat.

Horton won gold in the men’s 400m freestyle, whilst Sun took silver, but the ‘drug cheat’ slur had been in comments Horton made before the match.

China sent its entire army – numbering over 2.3million combatants – to invade the North coast of Australia, pulverising Darwin, and

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August 9, 2012

“Cripples don’t deserve special stamps”: Royal Mail

by articulatedsheep

In a stinging attack on its critics, the Royal Mail has unexpectedly hit back with a robust defence of its decision not to commemorate forthcoming Paralympic gold medallists with their own stamps.

All Olympic winners, such as Chris Hoy, Victoria Pendleton, Bradley Wiggins and even scrounging Somali asylum seeker Mo Farah, are being featured individually on stamps to be issued later this year.

However, Royal Mail plans only plans to issue two stamps to, as it puts it, “collectively honour all the retards competing in the Spazz-lympics, or whatever it’s called”.

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August 6, 2012

Olympic confusion as double-booked events cause turmoil

by philapilus
English: Usain Bolt at the World Championship ...

Shock victory for this man, whoever he is

Usain Bolt’s outstanding win in the men’s 100m final last night diverted attention from a potentially embarassing moment for the London 2012 organisers.

Despite the high profile nature of the men’s race, which some see as the highpoint of the whole Olympic enterprise, it transpired that the slot allocated for the event had somehow been triple-booked.

Split-seconds before the race began, an athlete from the ‘Throwing a plastic bottle quite far whilst shouting’ event had launched what might have been a medal-winning throw, had anyone been paying any attention to it.

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July 31, 2012

Furore over Chinese swimmer’s Gold medal

by philapilus
English: How to fold a paper fortune teller 12...

Training to be an official Olympic judge takes nearly a whole morning. It can even run on into the afternoon if you take breaks.

A bitter dispute has erupted between the American and Chinese teams, after Ye Shiwen’s extraordinary victory in the 400m medley.

Ye completed the race very quickly, which surprised the Americans who were hoping they might finish the race even more quickly, and therefore be the ones who could stand on top of the podium and have their song played.

“It’s not fair,” said US coach OJ Simpson, “everyone saw that that little Chin clearly had arms the size of Popeye’s, and everyone could see the outboard motor attached to her fanny. This was the most unnatural win since the steroid-taking tortoise beat the hare.

“The Olympics shouldn’t be about people being so chemically enhanced that they are unbeatable. They should be about US athletes, who never, ever, ever, ever cheat, beating the rest of the world into bloody submission.”

Ye’s coach, Chow Yun Fat, insisted however that her performance was entirely natural. “Ye won the race through nothing more than iron determination, a body honed from the womb through a strict regimen of enforced exercise, and the motivation of knowing that her family were suspended from ropes over a vat of acid during the race.

“Which was entirely coincidental. But these indulgent roundeyes think Chinese athletes cheat, just because we don’t stuff our faces with Burger King like they do.”

Doping allegations are a very serious matter at Olympic level, where even eating a Polo mint at any time during the fourteen months before an event is an automatic disqualification, and is punishable by removal of the hands and feet.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau of the newly-formed Slough Sixth Form College of Olympianerology said “Part of the issue is that races are so fast now that you can’t really tell who won anyway, even with all these computers and gadgets and shit.

“Generally the officials just pick the winner out of a hat, or make one of those origami paper fortune-teller thingies and write all the countries’ names on the flaps. Those are awesome. If I had learned how to make one of them I could be an Olympic judge by now.”

Norbert Spunkbrain, a decorator from Tunbridge Wells whose knowledge of sport is based on twenty years of reading the Sun, said “It’s  all stupid though isn’t it?. Why don’t they let everyone just take whatever they want? If they all take the best enhancement possible, then that cancels out the benefit of the drug. And gives us a level playing field.

“And then when our boys and girls are trounced by superior athletes who have spent their lives trying to be better than the seven other people from the entirety of humankind at the top of the sport, we can hang our heads in shame with pride, and know that we are proper, honest losers, not cheating ones.”