Posts tagged ‘God’

December 2, 2014

‘More friendly’ HIV causes concern about God’s dedication

by philapilus

God’s way of showing He cares, say morons

Almighty God has come under fire from many of his own followers today, after a major scientific study showed that HIV is now “not quite so good at wiping out the gays”.

The suggestion that HIV was generally chilling out a bit, starting to relax, and generally being less deadly, has caused some key church figures to question whether God might be going a bit soft.

Pastor Willy Stroker, of the Church of Christ’s Love and Unmitigated Wrath, said “The Lord is infallible, obviously, but I would just like to remind Him that

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November 28, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus
English: Kanye West performing in December 2008

Totally over the top; no one in real life is this awful

Hi everyone! God here again.

After last week’s ‘Thought for the Week’, in which I tried to explain how I accidentally started this weird fad for chopping the end off willies, the TMB editors have said they’re going to drop me if I don’t write something ‘more culturally relevant’.

So I did some ‘Googling’ (My Me, there’s a lot of porn out there!) and discovered that the things considered most culturally relevant today are cerebrally-challenged celebrities and pop musicians.

And so today I’m going to talk about the music video ‘Bound 2’, with Kanye West and Kim Kardashian.

 I have to say at the outset that

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November 19, 2013

Thought for the Week, by God

by philapilus

Hi everyone, God here again. I hope you’re all enjoying my little column here at TMB!

(I know I said this last week, but please, please really do let the editor know if you are, because they’ve threatened to drop me if I don’t come up with something more interesting than crushing Hittites!)

Just wanted to say a word today about books. Apart from

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April 24, 2013

News Briefs: Evangelicals ‘confused and angry’ over HIV stagnation

by philapilus
English: A pair of white briefs.

Briefs, see? So sharp we might cut ourselves on our own elastic

Evangelical and millenarian churches have today expressed growing frustration and bewilderment, at the news that HIV is gradually being contained.

Many believers convinced that the virus is God’s righteous judgement on sinners were said to be ‘Shocked and riddled with doubt’, after a campaign by the Department of Health suggested the spread of HIV could be halted within as little as one generation.

Evangelical pastor, Reverend Willy Stroker, said today “I was convinced that what with the UK Parliament being full of fag-lovers who think bumbandits are basically fine, God would crush most of the country with a brilliant HIV plague.

“Obviously, however, God seems to have let us down on this one. If you ask me He is being a bit too compassionate. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t dream of casting aspersions on His Holy limitless wisdom, and I’m all for endless love and forgiveness.

“But gays deserve to suffer on earth and rot in hell, and that’s an end of it.”

April 23, 2013

George Osborne’s Diary

by philapilus
George Osborne 0437bm

If I hold this in front of me, no one will see the stain

April 23rd

Got up this morning urgently needing a tinkle. Barely made it to the loo in time. Bed was dry today though, so that was a good start. Washed hands thoroughly.

What a week it’s been! Dear Margaret’s funeral of course, what a sad day for Britain and the world. Bit of a problem though, desperately needed a wee halfway through. Of course, you can’t get out when you’re in the middle of a pew!  

Had to sit there squeezing the

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February 17, 2013

“Missed again!” Pope taunts God

by philapilus
English: VATICAN. With Pope Benedict XVI. Русс...

“So we’re agreed? We’ll keep telling Him to fuck off, and let him take it out on your countrymen. I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.”

Pope Benedict XVI this morning used one of his last public appearances to lash out at God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, Creator of All that Is and Was and Shall Be, accusing Him of being “As past it as I am”.

The relationship between the LORD and his head representative on Earth has soured dramatically, since the pontiff announced last week his intention to quit his job to spend more time pursuing his new hobbies, or “Burying myself up to my eyebrows in jugs and drugs.” as he put it.

After a lightning strike on

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November 22, 2012

“God prefers willies” says Church of England

by philapilus
English: Rowan D. Williams, Archbishop of Cant...

“I’m not saying its massive, but at least it dangles, and that’s all God cares about”

In the wake of the General Synod’s vote yesterday, which saw the CofE reject proposals to allow women bishops, a statement was released this morning claiming that, generally speaking, God Almighty is much more into dicks than fanny.

The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, and Justin Welby who will succeed him at the end of his term, co-authored a letter to the Times in which they explained that “Before the vote the Church engaged in long and deep prayer sessions, asking that the will of God be revealed through the voting of his followers.

“Clearly therefore, it was His holy guidance which led us to decide that women aren’t as good at stuff like wearing dresses and talking loudly in public.”

The letter continues “On the whole, God is

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July 5, 2012

US Government in stupid and pointless statement shock

by unpseudable

A US government agency yesterday explicitly denied the existence of mermaids, mermen and all other humanoid-aquatic hybrids.

In response to a highly convincing promo for a Discovery Channel show, the National Ocean Service patiently posted a response: “No, mermaids don’t exist.  Nor do minotaurs, centaurs, satyrs, dryads, naiads, triads or Santa Claus.  Ok, to be fair we’re just guessing about the other stuff, but seriously, if anyone’s going to know about mermaids it’s us.  And we can tell you, there ain’t any, buddy.  Unless they’re just really good at hiding.  Or invisible.  Which, let’s face it, is unlikely.”

The Discovery Channel was quick to issue a response to the National Ocean Service’s response: “Oh, yes, so the National Ocean Service says there are no mermaids, but what do they know?  Have they got any proof?  No, of course not.  They probably haven’t even watched the promo.  It’s got a picture of a mermaid in it!  That proves they might exist, right?”

The National Ocean Service, bored with this altercation, attempted to end the correspondence with one further response: “No.”

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June 26, 2012

Lonesome George’s death proves creationism beyond any doubt

by philapilus
English: Richard Dawkins at New York City's Co...

Now unemployable

The passing of Lonesome George yesterday, the rarest animal on Earth, was a cause of great sadness to environmentalists, conservationists and fans of big, slow-moving things that don’t have sex – but has also had unexpected metaphysical consequences.

George was the last surviving member of the Pinta subspecies, and was seen as a living symbol of the theory of evolution, which Darwin developed partly through observing the subspecies of giant tortoises on the Galapagos islands.

But yesterday, discovering his corpse lying on its back, George’s keeper and zoo officials were shocked to spot a small maker’s signature on the roof of the mouth, reading simply ‘God, 1908’.

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May 8, 2012

Cameron and Clegg: “We can work it out”

by philapilus
Nick Clegg and Chris Huhne

Sometimes Cameron didn’t even bother turning up to the Couples Counselling sessions…

David Cameron and Nick Clegg will publically renew their vows today, in an outdoor ceremony presided over by the Archbishop of Canterbury.

The Prime Minister and his squeeze have had a rocky couple of years, and want to reaffirm their relationship in front of the press, who have so closely followed the stormy rows.

According to a leaked memo, Clegg will begin the scripted exchange, saying “David, I promise to stay by your side (or more properly, beneath you), to nurture you, to cherish you, and to honour you, with my body, and I renew my vows by re-offering my ring – somewhat red and raw though it curently is.”

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