Posts tagged ‘Germany’

March 21, 2017

Allen highlights oppression of rich white actors

by unpseudable
Tim Allen


Appearing on James Kimmel’s Late Night In-Depth Discussion Programme last week, 20th Century historian and ‘comedy’ ‘actor’* Tim Allen announced the upcoming publication of his new book about 1930s Germany.

Noted historical scholar, Allen, explained that his book details the day-to-day situation for ordinary German movie stars in the 1930s under the rule of Adolf Hitler.

“Not enough had been written on the plight of ordinary German C-list celebrity supporters of the Nazi party.

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November 14, 2013

Tories ‘said nothing’ between 2000 and 2010

by philapilus

“YOU know I’m not a total wanker, don’t you?”

The Conservative central office announced today that it had expunged its entire archive of speeches and press releases for the first decade of the century, because there really hadn’t been anything worth keeping in it.

Party chairman Grant Shapps said “We looked through it, and basically we have just been saying exactly the same thing for years.

“We haven’t changed our policies one iota, and we haven’t said a thing that we’re not saying today, so there was no need for the archive. You can just listen to what we are

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May 2, 2013

Nazi Germany “Full of people pretending to be pot-plants”

by philapilus
A mass rally on Tempelhof field, 1 May 1935

This crowd were pretending to be a large garden-centre. Obviously.

A new history of the Third Reich by Nigel Farage has made the bold and novel claim that the vast majority of people in the country were swept up in a faddish craze which is only now beginning to be understood.

In Why it’s Fine to Goosestep Farage states that, contrary to the popular belief that Germany was in thrall to a bunch of racist chubnuts, the 1930s and 1940s were characterised by “A really jolly craze, in which people pretended to be pot-plants. I believe it was as widespread then as Gangnam is now. Whatever that is.”

His thesis came to light after he was able to explain that a Ukip candidate was not, in fact, making a Nazi salute in a photograph discovered online, but was imitating a pot-plant, whilst

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February 19, 2013

Everyone finally understands horrors of Eurovision

by philapilus
A map of Europe showing how many times each co...

This WHO guide shows which countries produce music that could seriously damage your brain and/or ears, in ascending order of awfulness

Controversy over Germany’s 2013 Eurovision entry may signal the end of the mass-myopia that has allowed the song contest to survive, according to the results of a poll published today.

Researchers approached members of the public across Europe, and played them the German song ‘Glorious’ followed by last year’s winning Swedish song ‘Euphoria’.

Then the researcher would reveal that both were Eurovision entries, and hold up a very big card, with the word “SEE?” written on it, in

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January 15, 2013

Germany’s sense of humour finally found

by philapilus
Adolf Hitler in Yugoslavia.

He saw himself as Germany’s answer to Charlie Chaplin

After years of suffering the indignity of being internationally mocked for their inability to be funny, po-faced Germans have today discovered where their sense of humour has been hiding all this time.

Scientists claim that the 26-year old student who mooned a group of Hell’s Angels, threw a puppy at them, and then escaped incredibly slowly on a bulldozer, was clearly imbued with the entire condensed funniness of the last seven generations of the Germanic peoples.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, of the Slough Institute for Humour and Dog-hurling, said “Ordinarily, a nation’s funniness is spread more or less evenly across a population, and throughout the generations.

“What has happened here is that all

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May 10, 2012

2012 Olympics proudly continues Third Reich tradition

by philapilus
The Nazi origins of the Olympic Flame relay wa...

Coe says “The 2012 Olympics logo looks really neat against a white circle on a long banner, don’t you think?”

With the lighting of the Olympic torch in Athens today, the depressingly long summer of sport-obsessed hysteria is officially under way.

Whilst women clad in white robes kindled the torch from sunlight – Greece no longer being able to afford matches – there was an audible ‘clunk’ as everyone switched off their higher brain functions.

Minds around the globe were retuned to Basic Operational Mode, and any word with more than three syllables was officially banned from use until the autumn.

Sebastian Coe, Chairman of the London Organising Committee for the Olympic Games, said “Well this is really brilliant. It was Prometheus who stole fire from the gods, and as we get lots of people to run round and round Britain, with a bit of fire in a confusing relay, I like to think that Prometheus would be sitting up there weeping. Tears of joy, of course.”

“After all, what would be the point in just taking the torch straight to the Olympic stadium? Or, worse still, doing away with the whole torch-transportation thing, and lighting the cauldron with a Zippo? You might as well claim the whole thing is meaningless ceremony, given that fire is now fairly easily generated, and doesn’t have to be passed from one person to another, like some precious and rare commodity.”*

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May 4, 2012

BREAKING NEWS: “Hitler was anti-semite” claims unprecedented report

by philapilus
Broken glass, off Queen's Road, Titanic Quarte...

Bringing you all the breaking news, so fast we don’t even stop to call the glazier in first

An incredible and unprecedented report has been uncovered by an academic at Cambridge University, which reveals exclusively, for the first time, that during the Second World War, British intelligence had noticed Adolf Hitler didn’t like Jews very much.

The document, produced about halfway through the war, shows that a mere decade after Hitler rose to prominence in Nazi germany, British Intelligence had, in the words of the report “…just noticed that this jolly Kraut chappie doesn’t seem to like the Semites all that much does he, what?”

The Cambridge academic, Dr John Creaux, said “This report shows not only the speed at which British intelligence was able to understand events on the continent, but also, I hope, how quick Cambridge is academically in publishing its findings. We are literally nearly writing history as it happens.

“Sort of.”

March 2, 2012

EU birthday party ends in grumps

by philapilus
HVR's signature

Herman's drawing of a dinosaur won the Tube of Smarties, which Davey said was unfair because his mummy was the judge

It emerged today that at Herman van Rompuy’s birthday party tensions rose between member nations when David Cameron got a bit sulky and shouted that he was being ignored.

Davey had been drinking lots of cola and eating Wotsits, and had been getting a bit unmanageable because of all the sugar and E-numbers, according to witnesses.

At one point, Davey put his head in his hands, and yelled “No-one’s listening to me! You’re all listening to Angie and Nicky, and I keep trying to talk and no-one’s listening!”

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