Posts tagged ‘george osborne twat’

March 14, 2016

Osborne: “£4bn is nothing; I spend more on Pringles”

by philapilus
File:GeorgeOsborne2015.jpg

“It’s quite simple: if I take your money away, then the country is richer, which means you are better off”

George Osborne has defended yet further planned cuts to public spending, insisting that “£4bn is a tiny amount. That’s less than I spend a year on crisps. Seriously, I could shit more than that.”

The extra cuts will be announced in the chancellor’s 8th budget this Wednesday, and will be, says the chancellor “so insignificant that anyone who complains is obviously just a moany bum-sniffer.”

Critics have

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September 25, 2015

Osborne praised for participating in Saudi Arabia execution

by philapilus

What an odious little shit

George Osborne has been praised by the Saudi Arabian government for “rolling up his shirtsleeves and joining in” with a public beheading.

An official Saudi statement said “After his refusal to criticise so-called ‘human rights offences’ in China, Mr Osborne was the obvious choice for a conflict-less visit, so we got him over.

“He was delightful, and as servile as

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April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

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January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

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December 3, 2014

Osborne uses c-word 57 times in Autumn statement

by philapilus

 

Osborne finally broke the long-standing record of Margaret Bondfield, the first female cabinet minister in British history, who in 1930 called Stanley Baldwin a cunt 43 times in one sitting.

George Osborne made his mark on British political history today, after using the word ‘cunt’ 57 times in one sitting – more than any other government minister in history.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer made use of his last Autumn statement before the General Election to single out members of the opposition who  he deemed “particularly worthy of being called cunts”.

Osborne began his speech by saying “Mr Speaker, there are some utter cunts sitting over there.

“The right honourable leader of the opposition is a cunt. The right honourable

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January 29, 2014

Balls-baiting regresses to shouting ‘You’re a twat’ over and over

by philapilus

‘What’s so funny about a pair of balls and a stick anyway?’

Positive economic figures allowed the Tories to mount a concerted attack on Shadow-Chancellor Ed Balls yesterday, with initial homonym jokes about male testicles/his name, soon degenerating into screams of “You useless cunt, Balls!”

Questions from Conservative backbenchers began along the lines of ‘Is the opposition’s economic policy just total Balls?’, ‘Is the Shadow Chancellor getting testey?’ and even the somewhat laboured ‘Has the Shadow Chancellor run into a policy cul-de-SAC?’

But quite quickly the Tories

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June 27, 2013

Osborne “Not a commoner” say experts

by philapilus
English: McDonald's Shogun Burger with Egg

He also prefers champagne to Tesco’s budget lemonade. It’s shocking.

27/06/2013

Picture analysts say they have unearthed compelling evidence that the chancellor of the exchequer might actually be a bit posh, and not a cheeky Eastenders-type character, as was previously assumed to be the case.

George Gideon Oliver Osborne, heir apparent to the Osborne baronetcy, posted an image of himself eating a burger on Twitter, the night before his Spending Review speech.

This received a storm of frenzied acclamation, with 98% of the UK populace believing the picture showed that he’s ‘Definitely One of Us’.

But forensic photography experts have

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March 20, 2013

Chancellor’s budget surprise

by philapilus
English: A slice of Strawberry Cheesecake from...

The economy might be utterly screwed, but cheesecake is delicious

George Osborne surprised Whitehall this afternoon with what pundits are calling his most unusual budget speech yet.

The chancellor had been expected to outline a series of cuts for government departments, describe a gloomy economic forecast, and once again offer no hope whatsoever except that alcohol will continue to be just about affordable enough for Britons to drown their sorrows.

But, breaking with tradition, Osborne stepped up to the dispatch box and instead of laying out the budget documents, opened a Patisserie Valerie package, revealing a

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March 6, 2013

Daily Cartoon: by Stefan Belle

by philapilus

Again we are proud to welcome Stefan Belle, regular cartoonist over at the Grauniad, to get out his pencil and wave it for us! In this erudite and incisive satire, Belle once again demonstrates that his humour is no less sophisticated than his artistic prowess!

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December 6, 2012

Balls and Osborne in ‘Out-twatting’ draw

by philapilus
Ed Balls

not to be out-twatted…

Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne and shadow chancellor Ed Balls finished neck-and-neck in yesterday’s smackdown battle for the coveted ‘total twat’ title.

‘Twatting’, or ‘Out-twatting’ as it is also sometimes known, has a long history within the hallowed halls of Westminster, and is central to parliamentary democratic debate.

According to time-honoured tradition, the process begins when, after having accused one another of doing exactly the same thing, a government minister and his or her opposite number, take turns at the dispatch box to call one another ‘twat’ as many

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