Posts tagged ‘George Osborne prick’

June 17, 2015

RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember

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April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

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January 26, 2015

Greece presents Brussels and Berlin with large wooden horse

by philapilus

Now considered luxurious living space, compared with the ruin the rest of the country is in

Greece’s creditors were said to be “surprised but delighted” this morning, after the new anti-austerity coalition led by Alexis Tsipras sent them a really beautiful, big wooden horse.

Hans Onmycok, a spokesperson for the European Central Bank, said “Ja, ve are being very worried about zer new coalition, but zen zey sent zis pretty big horse! It has a note saying ‘Don’t Open Yet!’, und we are vaiting for zem to tell us when ve can be opening it. I am sure it has lots of lovely bailout repayments, inside, naturlich.”

The far-left Syriza party has joined forces with the

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