Posts tagged ‘George Osborne fuckwit’

June 17, 2015

RBS to refuse customers access to their money

by philapilus

No one noticed before that this translates as ‘The bank that despises you all”

RBS said this morning that the 600,000 payments to customers that went ‘missing’ last night were not the result of a mistake. A statement by the publicly owned bank also warned that “customers can expect a lot more of this sort of thing once nice Mr Osborne lets us go private again.”

Jerry Grossekatzen, spokesman for the RBS group said “Normally I’d say some bollocks about the computer system, probably. Or elves with little nets coming and taking your money in the night. But actually we can’t be bothered to make this shit up anymore; we’ll soon be free of you grubby little oiks.

“Our CEO Ross McEwan has filled a swimming pool with your cash, and once Osborne flogs RBS, he and Fred Goodwin are going to swim in it all day. You remember

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May 11, 2015

The TMB guide to Cameron’s new cabinet

by philapilus

 

Eric Pickles will be the new moon

As David Cameron continues to form his new cabinet, we bring you the lowdown on the ministers already appointed:
Prime Minister: Boris Johnson

In a surprise move, David Cameron has decided to make Johnson the head of his new government, though the role will only apply during the night-time when no one is looking. Boris will also take over David’s marital obligations to Samantha

Home Secretary: Michael Gove/Theresa May

The new government’s first cabinet meeting will feature a bloody death-match between these two ministers, who have each demanded the opportunity to stick and disembowel the other like a squealing pig. The victor will

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April 24, 2015

Thousands take to streets, begging HSBC not to leave UK

by philapilus

“Maybe tomorrow we’ll wanna settle down; until tomorrow we’ll just keep movin’ on”

The country has been flooded with grief today, after the announcement by beloved bank HSBC that it was looking into relocating away from the UK.

The mass outpouring of sadness resulted in demonstrations across the capital, with members of the public donning sackcloth and ashes, and flagellating themselves, as they wept and pleaded with the bank to stay.

Mourner Tim Twanks sobbed “I’ve been

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