Posts tagged ‘George Clooney’

April 28, 2014

George Clooney’s marriage ‘to make everything OK’

by philapilus

“It’s OK Barry, everything will be fine from now on”

It was revealed this morning that the small remainder of the world’s problems that weren’t solved by the visit of Prince George to New Zealand and Australia, will be handily mopped up by the news that George Clooney is banging some lawyer.

All news of the crisis in Ukraine, the devastating tornadoes in America, and the escalating hostilities between North and South Korea, dried up completely, as George Clooney’s relationship healed the world like a great big sticking plaster, and a kiss on the hurty bit from your mum.

Clooney’s agent, Vic Smarm, said “After weeks of nearly everything being brilliant because a baby visited

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October 21, 2013

France accuses USA of bugging onions

by philapilus

The ingredients for a ‘Full French’ breakfast

The French government has taken the grave step of summoning the US ambassador, to account for press accusations that the NSA used vegetables to spy on the entire population of France.

Le Monde yesterday alleged that the US intelligence community used nanotechnology to impregnate every onion and head of garlic in France with tiny listening devices.

These would record and transmit data if triggered by certain keywords, such as ‘Al Qaeda’, ‘Koran’, ‘le Big Mac’, ‘putain’, ‘George Clooney’, ‘Barney the purple dinosaur’ and ‘golden showers’.

French Minister for

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September 30, 2013

Women distraught as fictional character ‘dies’

by philapilus
Colin Firth leaving the premiere of "The ...

Colin Firth came to the door of his house this morning, to ask the thousands of women holding a candlelit vigil in the street to fuck off

Women across the UK have expressed their outrage this morning, after author Helen Fielding revealed that she had killed off the character Mark Darcy, husband of her most famous creation, Bridget Jones.

Female fans of Fielding were said to be ‘devastated’, ‘horrified’, and ‘grieving’, over the fact that the completely fictional character is no longer going to be written about in completely fictional literature, with one blogger describing it as ‘A death more painful to me than if my own children were drowned by a murderer’.

Unemployed blogger, Tina Twanks, said “Fielding has broken our hearts, and let us all down. This is the single greatest tragedy in

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August 23, 2013

Batman to be retconned as annoying little shit

by philapilus
English: Ben Affleck at the 2008 World Series ...

Affleck is probably brilliant at this game, because no emotion ever flickers across the dumb, arse-like expanse of his face.

DC Comics revealed today that one of their top two characters, the Dark Knight himself, is going to be completely retconned as an annoying, self-obsessed dickwad.

As well as rebooting the comic-books to reflect this new direction, DC have also specially drafted in Ben Affleck to play Batman in the next Superman sequel.

Wendy Nailinthehead, spokesperson for DC Comics said “We’ve portrayed Batman pretty much every way possible, from the campness of Adam West, to the raw power of Christian Bale, the introversion of Michael Keaton to the comedically fatuous spin George Clooney gave him.

“We even

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July 1, 2013

Governor of Bank of England “not George Clooney after all”

by philapilus
George Clooney @ The Westin Poinsett Hotel, Gr...

“Seriously UK; your chancellor is a fucking tool!”

Mark Carney got off to an awkward start as Sir Mervyn King’s replacement today, when it transpired his appointment was a case of mistaken identity.

The new governor of the Bank of England was surprised on getting to the office to find the entire workforce standing in the street holding ‘We love you George’ banners.

No one paid any attention to Carney at all, until a security guard tried to move him along, saying “Excuse me sir, we’re expecting the new boss any moment and you’re in the way.”

After a lengthy

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June 11, 2012

Romney raises slightly more money than Obama in one month

by unpseudable

To be fair, the rent for this place is pretty high

Last month Republican Presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, proved himself empirically better than President Obama by taking more in campaign funding. In May Romney took in an overwhelming $76.8 million, compared to the incumbent’s paltry $60 million.

“Well, this just proves it doesn’t it?” Said Romney’s PR guru, Gary Uru. “Romney’s better than Obama. $16.8 million better. Oh yes. Suck on that Democrats!”

However, Obama’s team were quick to issue a statement. “Well, that’s great for them, isn’t it? Well done. However, it would be remiss of us not to point out that Obama still exceeds Romney in total campaign funding by, oooh, I don’t know how much. About 70 million, say. Oh, and you know what? We’ve got George Clooney onside – that’s right, George Clooney! Have you seen Ocean’s Eleven? How cool is he?”

Romney’s team were quick to respond, stating, “Well, that’s one way of putting it. Another way is to say, at least we don’t have someone who was in Ocean’s Twelve backing us.

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