Posts tagged ‘General Election’

June 1, 2017

Election: May misses leader debate to heal the sick and minister to the needy

by philapilus
File:Theresa May MP.JPG

“Scared? Don’t make me laugh!” said May from several hundred miles away

Theresa May announced this morning that her decision not to attend last night’s televised debate between party leaders was “absolutely not down to abject terror” and was purely because she was “busy ministering to the sick and needy”.

May said that she didn’t have time to waste on unimportant matters like being accountable to the country on live TV, or answering questions that people really want the answers to before they vote on who will run the country.

“That would have been

read more »

Advertisements
May 2, 2017

Farron: “I’ll offer real alternative or more of the same – whichever you prefer”

by philapilus
File:Tim Farron 02, July 2016.jpg

“Really? That’s what I think too!”

Tim Farron has continued to lay out a strong Liberal Democrat election platform today, offering to be as different or as similar to other parties as people want.

“Only we have a real message of a different Britain – or alternatively, the same Britain if you’d rather” pledged Farron.

“I’m offering real

read more »

April 19, 2017

Vote tory or I’ll end you, by Theresa May

by philapilus
File:Theresa May.jpg

Unlike Labour, I’m going to MEAN to do it when I ruin everything for everyone

As you will all have heard by now, I have called a snap election for next month.

I know you all thought I’d been saying for weeks there was no way I would do it, despite my slim majority, because it would cause national uncertainty. But you’re misremembering. Stop it.

The plain fact is that

read more »

April 19, 2017

I guess you could vote Labour? by Jeremy Corbyn

by philapilus
File:Jeremy Corbyn crop.jpg

About twenty per cent less up for this than he looks

Hi everyone, Jeremy here, with some advice for the very exciting upcoming general election – a snap election which is bound to cement my position as Labour leader!

My message is simple and sincere, and it’s this: you won’t necessarily be wasting your vote if you vote for Labour (although I should point out that

read more »

July 13, 2016

Cameron visits palace for official resignation

by philapilus

“Doo doodoo …that’s what you’re all in now!”

David Cameron will go to Buckingham Palace this afternoon to accept the Queen’s official resignation, before travelling back to Westminster where he will crown Theresa May.

May, who has become Prime Minister despite not having been voted in by her party, let alone won a majority in a general election, announced she will also take the title of Queen at David Cameron’s last cabinet meeting.

A source close to the new PM said “Theresa stood up, pushed Dave out of his chair, and said ‘Right

read more »

May 11, 2015

Conservatives introducing ‘complete bastard’ agenda

by philapilus

New policies

David Cameron has announced that his new Conservative majority government will bring in a series of measures “designed to showcase the hideous bastard that lies within our collective soul”.

The prime minister said this morning “I had a great chat with the Queen on Friday, despite the fact we were both massively hungover from all the celebrating.

“I informed Her Majesty that I was going to be scrapping the Human Rights Act, bringing back fox hunting, ratcheting up austerity, clamping down on

read more »

May 11, 2015

Downing Street protestors demand end to “Unfair democratic electoral process”

by philapilus

These thuggish tools of the fascist state will all be shot, and eventually replaced with girls bearing flowers. But in the short term, we’ll need to just use the Revolutionary Guard for a bit

The best way to deal with people in power who you think don’t listen to the People is to get rid of them, even if the People want those people in power, said some people this weekend.

As the Conservative government began to set about the business of running the country following last week’s electoral success, liberal protestors gathered in Downing Street to demand a temporary suspension of draconian democratic elections.

Wendy Nailinthehead, socialist and champion serial masturbator of 2015, said “Boo! Tories! Elitist scum! Serving the

read more »

May 8, 2015

My favourite hat recipes, by Paddy Ashdown

by philapilus

“Of course, when I said I’d literally eat it I didn’t mean I’d literally eat it…”

Hi everyone! Paddy here again, with more of my favourite hat recipes!

As I said to Andrew Neil last night I don’t currently have any hats in the larder – but who does?! They’re so delicious you absolutely have to gobble them up straight away like a really fine chocolate truffle!

But after so many of you generously offered to

read more »

April 17, 2015

Miliband disappointed after lesbian threesome fails to happen

by philapilus
Group hug

“Can I join in?”

Ed Miliband said he was devastated this morning, after the televised group hug between Nicola Sturgeon, Nathalie Bennett, and the Welsh one, failed to turn into something more erotic.

The all-female cuddle, which took place at the end of the broadcast election debate, was, said Miliband “One of the most exciting moments of my life since becoming an MP, and also one of the most disappointing.”

The Labour leader confessed “I really hoped there might be some kissing, and then maybe one of them would get out the body lotion, and

read more »

April 10, 2015

3 Minute Visions: The Conservative Manifesto, by Michael Fallon

by philapilus

‘Safe Hands’: two of the great things about Michael are that, unlike dangerously unhinged Ed, he used public funds to pay his mortgage, and achieved a drink-driving ban for no less than 18 months!

In this week’s ‘3 Minute Visions’ – our space dedicated to putting the roast-dinner leftovers of news through the blender of analysis, to produce the speedy soup of synopsis – we have asked the brilliant Defence Secretary, Michael Fallon, to talk about the Tories’ election campaign.

I am delighted to be asked to explain our manifesto to you, especially because, unlike Ed Miliband, we would never deliberately destroy our armed forces and hand this country over to the Soviets.

Our pledges to you, the voters, are based on not stabbing people in the back, like Ed does on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how I know this, but not only did he do this to his brother, David, he also stabbed several sick children in the face whilst “visiting” Great Ormond Street!!! (Additionally he

read more »