Posts tagged ‘General Election 2015’

May 7, 2015

“It would be different if we got a free pen out of it” say non-voters

by philapilus
https://i1.wp.com/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e1/03-BICcristal2008-03-26.jpg/320px-03-BICcristal2008-03-26.jpg

“Now THAT would be worth all those Suffer-jets riding horses for”

Britain’s legions of non-voters said today that the main reason they couldn’t be arsed to go to the polling station was because of the shit pencil stubs that you can’t even take away with you.

Non-box crosser Wendy Nailinthehead said “Why would I go all the way up the road to the local church hall and try to

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May 6, 2015

Cameron unveils final election slogan: “Miliband’s a cunt who can’t eat bacon properly”

by philapilus

As the Sun so brilliantly puts it; a cause celebre for our times

As party leaders tear around the country hunting last-minute votes, David Cameron has revealed a final campaign slogan; Miliband is a cunt who can’t even eat a bacon sandwich properly. Vote for me.’

With polls opening in less than 24 hours, Mr Cameron said it was time for voters to focus on the coalition’s record “In particular our most major success; not being photographed making a mess of eating a bacon sandwich.”

The Prime Minister said “I have told Red ‘gay’ Ed, time and again, that if he’d attended Eton he would know sandwich etiquette. He did not, and he does not. Tomorrow is about

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April 10, 2015

3 Minute Visions: The Conservative Manifesto, by Michael Fallon

by philapilus

‘Safe Hands’: two of the great things about Michael are that, unlike dangerously unhinged Ed, he used public funds to pay his mortgage, and achieved a drink-driving ban for no less than 18 months!

In this week’s ‘3 Minute Visions’ – our space dedicated to putting the roast-dinner leftovers of news through the blender of analysis, to produce the speedy soup of synopsis – we have asked the brilliant Defence Secretary, Michael Fallon, to talk about the Tories’ election campaign.

I am delighted to be asked to explain our manifesto to you, especially because, unlike Ed Miliband, we would never deliberately destroy our armed forces and hand this country over to the Soviets.

Our pledges to you, the voters, are based on not stabbing people in the back, like Ed does on a daily basis. I can’t tell you how I know this, but not only did he do this to his brother, David, he also stabbed several sick children in the face whilst “visiting” Great Ormond Street!!! (Additionally he

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April 9, 2015

British politicians ‘too thick to feed themselves’

by philapilus
graph

“We did a graph”

A groundbreaking study has discovered that many MPs lack the basic intelligence required to open their mouths and put food in.

Research undertaken at the Slough School of Thick found that political success was inversely related to managing-to-feed-yourself success.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, author of the report, said “We began our project some time back, trying to find out why Ed Miliband couldn’t eat a bacon sandwich.

“But we

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March 5, 2015

Miliband going round saying he ‘could totally have’ Cameron

by philapilus

“I could basically be in UFC”

Ed Miliband has been walking round like a puffed-up pigeon and asking girls if they want to feel his biceps, after David Cameron today ruled out taking him on in a one-on-one.

The Labour leader said “Dave is well-scared. I was all like ‘Come on then; let’s have it!’, and he was all like ‘Um…oh…I’m not free that day, um…I’ve got a note from my mum… please don’t hurt me!’

“It’s cos he knows how well hard I am. Do you want to

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January 23, 2015

7-party debates replaced with 93-party debates

by philapilus

Police try to hold back political party leaders as they storm the BBC studios

The breaking news that televised UK political debates may now include seven parties, has been immediately superseded by the news that in fact nineteen parties will be involved. This statement in turn has instantly been made null and void since we wrote it, by the news that twenty-six party leaders will now be debating.

The debates, scheduled to take place ahead of the general election later this year, were initially going to involve only the three main parties; Conservatives, Labour and Ukip. But after much argument between the prime minister and other leaders, the inclusion of smaller parties has now been put forward.

Political analyst Tim Twanks said “After

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January 19, 2015

Party leaders outline policies based on personal lives

by philapilus

“I’ve won! I’ve won!”

In an unusually transparent move the three main political parties are announcing new policy pushes today, all of which are tailored specifically to the individual needs of their parties.

David Cameron has insisted on the importance of full-employment, in a bid to retain the Government jobs currently occupied by his MPs. The prime minister said “Our top priority is rewarding the hardworking, entrepreneurial men and women of this party, and allowing them to create wealth through the judicious use of Parliamentary expenses on necessities like duck houses and well-covers.

“I want to see a Britain where no tory MP is reliant on the

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June 19, 2014

Shock as conservative paper suggests Cameron is better than Miliband

by philapilus

“Even the alphabet is against him, with these ethereal floating letters standing for ‘Conservatives’ll beat ‘im’!” said the Times newspaper

The world of politics was rocked to its very core this morning, after the right-leaning Times newspaper announced that they reckoned the left-leaning leader of the Labour party wouldn’t cut it as Prime Minister.

The Times said that research indicated 53% of people thought ‘Red Ed’ was “a huge twat”, with a further 11% reckoning him to be “a big gaylord”.

Only 23% of people said they would vote for Miliband, according to the Times’ surveys, although the paper stresses “All of those 23% had mental health problems.”

A Times spokesperson, Percy Spoke, said “The

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