Posts tagged ‘fuel crisis’

March 28, 2012

Government issues entirely proportionate advice on fuel shortages

by articulatedsheep

Draw close, dear friends, and hear tell of the bygone age when petrol was but £1.10 a litre

The Government has defended itself against charges that advice it has given to motorists in advance of expected fuel shortages is “scaremongering”.

The Unite union has announced, following a successful strike ballot, 90% of Britain’s oil tanker drivers will shortly be going on strike. No date for the stoppage has been announced, and there is no indication of how long it might last.

Government guidance, which will be wrapped around bricks and personally thrown through the front window of every home in the country, is titled, “This shit is going to make ‘The Road’ look like a fucking picnic”.

The guidance suggests that concerned drivers should immediately “kill everyone they love” because the post-fuel shortage world will be “viciously brutal – a landscape more depraved and horrendous than a Japanese prisoner of war camp in the ninth circle of Hell. On fire.”,  and that “the sweet release of death will be a kindness compared to the inferno of savagery that will soon sweep over the carbonised corpse of what we once knew as Britain”.

The guidance further suggests that people form themselves into baying mobs to grab what foodstuffs still remain on shop shelves, “before it’s all too late”.

The guidance concludes with the words, “And may God have mercy on our miserable souls.”

Shoving a blonde, blue-eyed toddler to the ground in a frantic dash to get to the one petrol station in London where prices are still lower than 144.9ppl, the Prime Minister said, “This is it. The balloon’s gone up.”

“Make no mistake – as the direct result of a couple of thousand people going on strike for a few days, our civilisation will quickly descend into outright, inhumane barbarism.”

“Anthropophagy, the sacrifice of innocents to the all-powerful ‘oil god’, desperate bargains being done with the Great Humungous in return for safe passage through the wasteland. All these things – currently, in modern Britain, confined to small areas of Humberside – will be par for the course across the nation.”

The National Association of Petrol Retailers said, “We are currently retrofitting all forecourts in the country with machine gun nests to protect our members from the hordes. We did ask for the army to man them, but they said something about being all tied up in the next couple of weeks driving tankers.”

At the time of going to press, Ed Miliband, apparently Leader of the Opposition, had come out either angrily against the strike action, or guardedly in favour. Or both. Or neither. It’s difficult to say.

Meanwhile, George Osborne, chairing a meeting of the shadowy Bilberberg Group in the depths of the secret Nazi moonbase, said, “Gentlemen, the final piece is in place. Operation ‘Endgame’ is ready to be implemented.”