Posts tagged ‘fuckwittery’

May 24, 2013

Masturbators of the Month!

by philapilus
The wanker gesture - fingers and thumb in circ...

This month’s lot touch wood so furiously that they start small fires everywhere they go…

This morning our ‘Wanker of the Week’ editor received so many thousands of nominations that she couldn’t possibly get them all out of the envelopes and count them without missing at least seven of her numerous fag-breaks, and seriously cutting into her Freecell time as well.

As far as we could tell, after checking the first few ‘Wanker’ sackfuls (hur hur), most of your postal votes seemed to be

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May 15, 2013

“Everyone should be put down, apart from farmers and me” says Cornwall councillor

by philapilus
English: A two-headed calf, Museum of Lausanne...

“It’s disabled children like this one who really piss me off; they’re such a waste of taxpayer’s money”

Colin Brewer, the councillor who caused controversy this year with his comments about the virtue of killing disabled babies, is once again at the centre of a public row.

Brewer, who had been forced to resign but somehow won his seat back in this month’s elections, said this week “The problems of this country are all about limited finances and overpopulation.

“The only way to fix broken Britain compassionately is to smash every single newborn infant’s skull against a wall until the brains ooze out of its ears, and then chuck the body on a giant bonfire.”

He added “Unless

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May 14, 2013

Cameron “Absolutely delighted” by Tory infighting

by philapilus
English: David Cameron's picture on the 10 Dow...

“It’s going really well. Definitely.”

Downing Street issued a statement this morning saying that the prime minister was “very happy” with his party’s current self-combustion over Europe, and considers it a sign that the debate is “very healthy and not-at-all castatrophically fuckwittedly disastrous for us”.

Many Eurosceptic Conservatives were enraged by the ommission of any reference to an EU referendum in the Queen’s Speech, and have proposed an amendment in Wednesday’s debate on the speech, along the lines of “Sodding well grow some bollocks, Dave”.

But Cameron has played down

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May 2, 2013

Severe Weather Warning: Nigel Farage

by philapilus
English: Nigel Farage at Lord's cricket ground...

God help us all

The Met office has released a nation-wide alert today, as it emerged that Britain is facing severe amounts of Nigel Farage.

As polls opened this morning for county council elections across England, news channels warned that high levels of Nigel Farage are to be expected, which could affect voting.

Schools and businesses will remain open, but the Met Office forecasts that “Britain will be inundated with Nigel Farage by midday, with Farage continuing well into

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January 21, 2013

CBeebies’ satire once again deemed too controversial

by philapilus
Camp Bestival 2009

Obviously completely inappropriate for kids

The CBeebies channel, home of vitriolic lampoonery, has again got into hot water over its In Yer Face content. The station broadcast a programme yesterday morning which ventured where no other satirical vehicle has yet dared to go.

In a specially commissioned episode of controversial show, the Tweenies, the character Max dressed up as Jimmy Savile, complete with godawful hairstyle, shell-suit and phallic, oversized cigar. He proceeded to feel up Milo and Fizz, then trapped Bella in a cupboard and made her fellate him, whilst he throttled Jake.

Max then assaulted the dogs Doodles and Izzles, before turning to the screen and rubbing his

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December 6, 2012

Queen told to fuck herself

by philapilus
Queen of United Kingdom (as well as Canada, Au...

Try not to automatically punch her in the kidneys and call her a vag-faced Aussie cockmaster

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II was this morning repeatedly told to “Fuck off”, “Piss off” and generally “Go shag a corgi”, by everybody with whom she spoke on the telephone.

A source close to the ageing monarch let slip that the royal psychiatrist had been called to comfort her, after continual telephonic rebuffs and insults left her catatonic with shock.

In a rare move, Buckingham Palace issued a press statement about the Queen’s private conversations, explaining that “Since the hoax by two Australian radio presenters, who

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November 23, 2012

Lord Freud to fire bullets at paupers’ feet, shouting “Dance! Dance for me!”

by philapilus
English: American layout roulette wheel.

Like this, but oh so much more interesting

A senior conservative has today lambasted the poor for being utterly boring, and called for urgent measures which would see welfare recipients facing life-or-death scenarios on a daily basis.

Lord Freud, who is working on a radical overhaul of the UK benefits system, said that those on welfare needed to take far greater risks, because at the moment: “Hearing about their stupid problems is just sending me to sleep.”

The Tory peer elaborated: “What I would like to see is a totally restructured system for allocating welfare payments, based on an absolutely enormous roulette wheel, on which every claimant has to have a turn. It would have about five hundred little slots, only one of which would allow them to receive a

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October 23, 2012

Italian witches to be burned at stake

by philapilus
English: Satan baptizing a disciple, most like...

Scientists graduating from the Seismology Degree Programme at the University of Bologna

The Italian government has issued a statement, confirming that a group of mages, who claimed to be able to predict earthquakes with their Satanic powers, are to be exorcised by the Holy Roman Church, and then burned at the stake.

The statement explains that “These seven self-styled ‘scyentistes’, members of a cult called the National Commission for the Forecast and Prevention of Major Risks, dabbled in the dark arts, claiming to be able to interpret the way that Beelzebub shifts the very ground beneath our feet.

“But worse than that, they got it completely wrong. They assured us that the scaly back of the devil would not be shaking the earth, as he thrashes around in his subterranean Hell. But it did, and terrible earthquakes followed.”

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October 19, 2012

Osborne pilots new economic plan

by philapilus
English: Virgin Trains Mk3 FO at Euston

“It would be better still if there were some way of making trains cheaper, and having some sort of nationwide network that made transport authorities accountable to government. I don’t even know what you would call that though; some sort of nationy industry-ey kind of thing.”

Champion of the People George Osborne today took advantage of his commuter journey to draw attention to a new government policy for stimulating the economy.

Given the failings of the coalition’s austerity regime, the Chancellor of the Exchequer decided that a new tactic was needed to complement the cuts in public spending. His new policy has been called ‘the not-paying-for-things initiative’.

Mr Osborne boarded a First Class carriage on a Virgin train, despite having only a standard class ticket, a practise which he is hoping will be rolled out across the country in the coming months. Upon arrival at Euston station he was delighted to see assembled members of the press, and spoke up about the plans.

“What I am hoping to show today,” Mr Osborne told reporters “Is that if we all just stop paying for stuff, then we’ll have more money. I was chatting to all those boffins in the treasury, and they kept presenting me with all these complex plans and options, which frankly were impossible to understand. They were just making me feel stressed and worried.

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October 9, 2012

Rothko vandal to be artistically improved upon

by philapilus
Photograph of Marcel Duchamp's "Fountain&...

Hopefully Mr Umanets’ face is going to have a great deal of regular contact with these porcelain masterpieces, as part of an ongoing collaboration called ‘Drink my piss, you arty-farty nancyboy’

A manifesto by a new art movement called Bodily Interventionism has declared its interest in working with the Yellowist Vladimir “Massive Tosspot” Umanets, after his inevitable prosecution is over.

Bodily Interventionism, a group of highly articulate conceptual artists from prisons all over the country, said “We look forward to meeting Mr Umanets, and believe our collaboration with him is going to be a very exciting one.

“It is the stated central tenet of this movement that the body is a site of discourse and of mutable significations, which can only be adequately disrupted by a highly theorised form of ultra-violence.”

The manifesto continues “When Mr Umanets arrives in prison, we look forward to explaining to him, using a razor blade and a club made from a stolen pool cue, how his body will gain in value because of our intervention.

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