Posts tagged ‘François Hollande’

June 5, 2014

Ritual humiliation of Merkel planned for D-Day anniversary

by philapilus

Merkel tries to remain stoic, after learning Silvio Berlusconi has been invited

World leaders are meeting in France tomorrow for the 70th anniversary of the D-Day landings, where it is understood they will line up and take it in turns to break wind in the face of Angela Merkel.

Visiting dignitaries will walk along a short length of red carpet, marked off with gilded rope, at the end of which will be seated the German chancellor, perched on a crude stool.

Each representative will then turn their rear towards Merkel, and let loose up to three anal salutes, which she will be compelled to give the appearance of savouring.

David Cameron, who will be the third Briton to cut the cheese in Merkel’s

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January 31, 2014

Cameron to ask Hollande for ‘tips with the ladies’

by philapilus

Cameron is relying on good old British bitter – honey in the mouth, a lead cannonball on the stomach – to get Hollande tipsy enough to share some of his ‘moves’

As David Cameron prepares to take Francois Hollande to the pub this afternoon, reports have emerged that the prime minister intends to press a tipsy Hollande for advice on how to pull.

After talks at Brize Norton about the EU, and a political tug-of-war over sovereign powers, the two men will go for a ‘cheeky pint’ at the local boozer.

Here Cameron plans to describe his marital frustrations, and ask Hollande how one goes about getting the phone numbers of hot actresses.

An aide said “Dave and Sam do

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January 20, 2014

Appeal: help world leaders avoid footwear crisis

by philapilus

It doesn’t have to be like this

Can you imagine the shock of slipping on a red carpet because the soles on your shoes are too worn down?

The horror of tripping on the stairs as you leave the official jet because your laces no longer tie properly?

The ignominy of being caught in flagrante, allegedly attending an adulterous tryst, because you are literally too fucking stupid to wear a different pair of shoes to the ones that you wore whilst being photographed by the entire world’s media the day before (like seriously, wtf were you thinking)?

For many

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February 8, 2013

Breaking News: France capitulates to Mali

by philapilus
Satellite image of Mali

Big diggers are being used to cut out Mali, so it can be airlifted to the European mainland by a fleet of helicopters and stitched onto the side of France.

This morning the French forces suppressing Islamist insurgency in Mali have surrendered to the numerically inferior rebels, in accordance with their time-honoured military traditions.

President Hollande has announced that he will officially cede power at 11AM, and a Vichy-style government will be

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March 7, 2012

Sarkozy: “France not stereotypical enough”

by philapilus
Iggy Pop, Sziget Festival 2006

Jean-Marie le Pen, in character as female alter-ego 'Marine'

Nicolas Sarkozy, desperate to get back into the French presidential race, has described France as “Nowhere near French enough”.

Hoping to pick up a more sizeable chunk of the conservative vote, half pint-sized Sarkozy (or 284.13 ml sized Sarkozy, as he is known in France) has played the race card, though someone had to help him hold it up, because it is quite a big card, and he – well, you get the picture.

“What I am zaying iz zat France iz too full of peuple ‘oo are not wearing ze onions around ze neck, and ze berets and le stripy shirt. Zey, ze peuple de France are not cycling ze bicycle enough. Nearly not one personne is zaying ‘hawhehawhehaw’.”

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