Posts tagged ‘France’

October 21, 2013

France accuses USA of bugging onions

by philapilus

The ingredients for a ‘Full French’ breakfast

The French government has taken the grave step of summoning the US ambassador, to account for press accusations that the NSA used vegetables to spy on the entire population of France.

Le Monde yesterday alleged that the US intelligence community used nanotechnology to impregnate every onion and head of garlic in France with tiny listening devices.

These would record and transmit data if triggered by certain keywords, such as ‘Al Qaeda’, ‘Koran’, ‘le Big Mac’, ‘putain’, ‘George Clooney’, ‘Barney the purple dinosaur’ and ‘golden showers’.

French Minister for

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June 20, 2013

Parisians to consider learning manners

by philapilus
Eiffel Tower, from Champ-de-Mars, Paris.

Recent research has discovered that the concept behind this famous landmark was “to give ze massive middle finger to ze rest of ze world”


French tourism officials have released a guide aimed at encouraging Parisians to be less preternaturally unpleasant, as part of the city’s ‘Let’s not be such complete bastards to visitors’ campaign.

The French capital, famed for the rudeness and xenophobia of 98% of its population, is keen to improve its image abroad, and to create a culture of repeat-tourism.

This, it is hoped, will replace the current culture of sending visitors home covered in bruises, with “Fuck off, and do not return” tattooed on their foreheads.

The booklet, entitled “What ze hell are you looking at, you filthy sons of putains?” offers

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February 8, 2013

Breaking News: France capitulates to Mali

by philapilus
Satellite image of Mali

Big diggers are being used to cut out Mali, so it can be airlifted to the European mainland by a fleet of helicopters and stitched onto the side of France.

This morning the French forces suppressing Islamist insurgency in Mali have surrendered to the numerically inferior rebels, in accordance with their time-honoured military traditions.

President Hollande has announced that he will officially cede power at 11AM, and a Vichy-style government will be

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May 23, 2012

Women directors told to emulate men

by philapilus
Français : Plaquette avec la Palme d'or.

Women only want it because it is shiny, and comes in a jewellery box.

At the weekend France erupted into heated debate over the absence of a single female film director in the nominations for this years Palme d’Or at Cannes. In response, the selection committee has today issued an open letter to women filmmakers, suggesting that they study the great male directors of the film fraternity.

“We of the Jury feel that by far the best thing ladies can do, when not brushing their hair or cooking a fantastic steak, is to sit down and have a look at how men make films, and then try to copy it as closely as possible,” the letter begins, adding “Sometimes women do get it right, but on the whole it is more luck than judgement, and you would be much better off trying to make films exactly how men do.”

Unfortunately though, the letter has merely stirred up more controversy.

Hairy, tattooed, seventeen-stone feminist, Beth Belcher, submitted her film about fisting amongst the female members of the merchant navy, and was furious not to be shortlisted.

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March 7, 2012

Sarkozy: “France not stereotypical enough”

by philapilus
Iggy Pop, Sziget Festival 2006

Jean-Marie le Pen, in character as female alter-ego 'Marine'

Nicolas Sarkozy, desperate to get back into the French presidential race, has described France as “Nowhere near French enough”.

Hoping to pick up a more sizeable chunk of the conservative vote, half pint-sized Sarkozy (or 284.13 ml sized Sarkozy, as he is known in France) has played the race card, though someone had to help him hold it up, because it is quite a big card, and he – well, you get the picture.

“What I am zaying iz zat France iz too full of peuple ‘oo are not wearing ze onions around ze neck, and ze berets and le stripy shirt. Zey, ze peuple de France are not cycling ze bicycle enough. Nearly not one personne is zaying ‘hawhehawhehaw’.”

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