Posts tagged ‘football’

June 28, 2016

Corbyn blamed for Engxit

by unpseudable

That there is an open goal: so let’s get out there, and miss it entirely

Besieged opposition leader Jeremy Corbyn ‘must take responsibility’ for England’s humiliating exit from football’s Euro 2016 competition and resign, according to an increasing number of Labour MPs and Roy Hodgson.

‘His leadership is now clearly untenable,’ said Chris Bryant as he resigned from the shadow cabinet. ‘I had some constituents asking if he was actually cheering England on at all. I said I didn’t know. Someone even said they heard him cheering for Iceland. He may well have been.

‘Of course, given that my constituents are mostly Welsh they are actually quite happy about England losing,

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June 11, 2014

Catastrophe in Mosul as OH LOOK, FOOTBALL!!!!!!!!!

by philapilus

Presumably Mosul didn’t make it past the qualifiers, because they’re not in any of the groups as far as we can see

Around half a million refugees have fled the city of Mosul after Islamist militants did something or other that will probably sort itself out and be absolutely fine, because IT’S THE FRICKIN’ WORLD CUP!

Middle East experts said today “The next few weeks are going to be amazing, with absolutely and completely non-stop football; football games, football analysis, football interviews, football adverts, and everyone brilliantly never shutting-the-fuck-up about the football.

“It’s going to be

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May 29, 2014

Roy Hodgson sends Stephen Hawking proposal for complete theory of the universe

by philapilus


Following Professor Stephen Hawking’s comprehensive predictions of exactly how and why England will lose the 2014 World Cup, Roy Hodgson has reciprocated by offering Hawking a Grand Theory of Everything.

Hodgson’s theory has brought together the disparate strands of modern physics, and, if correct, will revolutionise human understanding.

The England manager hypothesises that “The multiverse can best be understood as something like a tube of Smarties, with the logo accidentally printed on the inside, which has been emptied by a playful kitten, and then stretched out with a medieval torture rack, before being scrunched up by an angry Northern housewife, and then shaped into a frog by an origami expert from Merthyr Tydfil.”

Professor Hawking said “I have

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February 2, 2014

Tyne-Wear derby match has ‘disappointingly low levels of violence’

by philapilus
File:Bengalisches Feuer Dortmund.jpg

“Ooh look, you can almost see a bit of the pitch in the footage of this match. We’ve still not quite worked out what that’s for…”

Football fans from Sunderland and Newcastle expressed their “pervading sense of disappointment” this morning, after last night’s match provoked no more than a scattering of small riots, with only ten arrests made, and not a single brutal murder.

The two sets of fans – justly celebrated for their disproportionately bitter sense of rivalry, mutual hatred, and tendency to headbutt one another indiscriminately, and irrespective of who actually wins – were successfully kept apart by police escorts.

Joe ‘Hooligan’ Meatball, head of the Newcastle Fans Association, said “The coppers ruined what could have been a really spectacular dust-up. The conditions were perfect, animosity levels were running at 89%, we’d been practising hard all season, and had a brilliant strategy of attacking up the wing with broken bottles, whilst

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December 12, 2013

Football to end next year

by articulatedsheep

FIFA, the world football governing body, has announced that all football will end next year.

Since the rules of the game were codified in 1863, clubs and national teams around the world have vied with one another to establish which is best at football. However, with the 150th anniversary of this codification now having past and the world no nearer to establishing which team is, ultimately, the best, the decision has been made to wind the whole thing up.

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January 25, 2013

Thousands line up to kick Swansea City ball-boy

by philapilus
A football (or soccer ball) icon.

See? he does look an awful lot like a ball.

A ball-boy has seen his Twitter followers rise to 80,000 overnight, after being kicked by Chelsea midfielder Eden Hazard during a match held on Wednesday.

The vast majority of those now following him have asked if they can come and give him a kicking too, with thousands more ringing his home or gathering in the street outside with the same intention.

Professor Hamish McEyebrau, footballologist at the Slough Institute of Sport and Writing Things Down, said “What we have here is a very interesting phenomenon. Essentially, most of the early recruits to his Twitter feed yesterday were Chelsea supporters, eager to punish the ball-boy for time-wasting.

“But increasingly, more and more of his new followers have been football fans who were just generally angry, wanted someone to hurt, and had noticed on TV that

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June 25, 2012

English men are inexplicably down in the dumps

by philapilus
English: Plastic pizza saver - used to keep th...

If your job involves the use of these, then for God’s sake don’t go in today; barricade your doors, and stay under the covers till at least mid-week.

This morning women all over the country reported noticing that men seemed really quite miserable, and that most had a misanthropic, murderous scowl on their faces that was worse than the usual one.

Despite the fact that the sun was shining over most of the country, the male mood was a worrying seventy per cent lower than usual, according to figures which are impossible to check.

An astonishingly large proportion of the bit of the country’s population whose genitals dangle, turned up for work this morning wearing badges that read ‘If you talk to me, I will kill you’.

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June 13, 2012

“Football” mars otherwise glorious day of Euro violence

by unpseudable

The sport of mercilessly pounding the living shit out of large numbers of people has been tarnished this week by a small minority of mindless individuals kicking balls around patches of grass.

Yesterday, at this year’s event of going round to a neighbouring European country and finding some other idiots to get into a fight with, some groups took part in what is becoming known as “foot-ball”.

Psychopathy expert Michael Ripper explains: “It seems that certain organised groups – let’s call them “teams” – have begun to detract from the noble art of kicking the bollocking shite out of people randomly in the street, by playing a largely meaningless sporting contest with each other. Quite why they think anyone’s interested in grown men running around a field kicking a spherical object around – and charging a considerable amount of money to watch – when there are free, bloody violent fights going on just round the corner is anyone’s guess. Crazy”

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March 1, 2012

Pearce available for odd jobs

by articulatedsheep

Ashen-faced England supremo Stuart Pearce has announced that, if the FA aren’t interested in taking him on as manager following the European Championships this summer, he would be more than happy to rewire Wembley Stadium or replace the dodgy boiler at the FA’s headquarters.

Cheer up, it might never happen

“My Gas Safe certification came through last week,” said a diffident Pearce, “so, you know, if they need me to get in there, happy to do it. I mean, I’d like to do it, but it’s up to them, ultimately.”

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February 17, 2012

Burnley reeling from being ‘liked’ by Prince shock

by unpseudable

This man also 'likes' Michael Winner, Peter Stringfellow and Oliver Letwin. "One is just trying to be helpful"

After decades of speculation, Prince Charles has finally revealed the football team he despises most in the country: Burnley FC.

In a statement the Prince veiled his ire by feigning appreciation for the team. However sources close to the Prince suggest that this is all a subtle ploy to ruin their chances of promotion. “The Prince keeps a close eye on football, but the team he follows most closely is Burnley. He hates them. I mean, really hates them. Nobody quite knows why. So, when he saw they had a chance of moving into the playoffs, maybe even getting promoted, he knew he had to make his move. So, yes, he said he liked them. He didn’t mean it.”

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